there are so many Little Johnny Jokes, He deserves His own Thread.

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” Johnny’s mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…” Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, “Now take off my skirt…” He removed her skirt. “Take off my bra…” which he did. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.” When Johnny had finished removing his mother’s panties, she said, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None.”, replied Johnny,”cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.” Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you’re thinking!”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says lil' Johnny

i have fallen in love with lil johnny

Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

Little Johnny said, "My father is better than your father."

Billy said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

Little Johnny paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick.

Billy said "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker."

Suzie "I think about our new house."

Then the teacher thought, 'Why don't I ask Little Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?'

So, she said, "Little Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?"

Little Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!"

The teacher was horrified "But why, Little Johnny? Why? This is a brick!"

Little Johnny said, "I always think about naked Chicks!"

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your butt with your penis?"

"No," replies Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not big enough," explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your ass*ole with your penis?"

"No," says Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.

"Then go f*ck yourself... these are my cookies!"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child, Little Johnny.

The doctor instructed Little Johnny to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

Little Johnny did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

No sooner had he done this than another baby pops out, than another, and yet another. A puzzled Little Johnny quickly blows out the lamp.

The doctor yells, "What did you do that for?"

"The light's attracting them!" replied Little Johnny.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little Johnny having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a wank," Little Johnny replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young fellow doing that, we cut off his wanker and make a police baton out of it."

"I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing her thing," said Little Johnny.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"You cut out her pu*sy, then dress it in a blue uniform, and call it a cop!"

Little Johnny is returning home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand. His other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and considers, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to little Johnny." Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the Staff of Life in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?"

Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary."

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said four year old Little Johnny to his grandfather.

"You are? Why?" the old man asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course I have," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my damn teeth?"

Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.

"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.

"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.

"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."

"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"

Little Johnny and Suzie were playing on the porch, when the little girl asked, "Hey, do you wanna get undressed and play Doctor?"

Little Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum and let's play President!"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?"

"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

"Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother....

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is, and she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again, she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Then, Johnny asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

His mother shouts, "Go to your room, young man!"

On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's purse and her driver's license falls out. He glances at it and then says with a grin, "I know all about you now...You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds, and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

An old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch when Little Johnny walks by carrying a roll of chicken wire under his arm.
“Where are you going with the chicken wire, sonny?”
asked the old man.
“Gonna get me some chickens,”
replied Little Johnny.
The old man just smiled and thought
“Oh yeah, OK.”
A couple of hours later, Little Johnny returns with a cage, made out of chicken wire with two chickens inside.
The old man sees them and his mouth drops open in surprise.
A couple of days later, the old man is once again sitting on his porch when Little Johnny walks by, carrying a box.
“Whatcha got in the box Johnny?
“I got me some Duct tape,”
replies Little Johnny.
“What you gonna do with the Duct tape?”
“Gonna get me some ducks.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it.”
Says the old man.
A couple of hours later, Little Johnny returns, with a box, sealed, and the sound of quacking ducks coming from within.
Another couple of days pass, and once again the old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, when Little Johnny walks by carrying some tree branches.
“Whatcha got there today sonny,”
asks the old man.
“P*ssy Willow.”
Replies Little Johnny.
The old man stands up and says,
“Hang on a minute, I’ll get my coat.

Little Johnny arrives home to find his mother and father having sex.
“Whatcha doin’ Dad?”
“We’re playing Crib, and your mother’s my partner. Get downstairs.”
Little Johnny goes downstairs to the living-room to find his sister and boyfriend on the sofa deeply engrossed in sexual intercourse.
“Whatcha doin’ Sis’?”
“We’re playing crib, and my boyfriend’s my partner. Get outside.
Little Johnny goes out to the garden shed, where he finds his Grandfather masturbating.
“Whatcha doin’ Grandpa?”
“I’m playing crib.”
Replies Grandpa.
“Where’s your partner?”
His grandfather replies,
“When you’ve got a good hand, you don’t need a partner!”

Little Johnny walks into the local brothel towing a dead frog on a piece of string behind him.
He walks up to the madam behind the counter and says,
“I want a girl.”
The madam looks down at Little Johnny and says,
“This isn’t a place where you should be! Off home with you.”
Little Johnny reaches into his right trousers pocket, takes out a $50 bill, and places it on the counter in front of the woman and says.
“I want a girl.”
The madam snatches up the bill, sticks it down the front of her dress between her ample bosoms and says to Little Johnny,
“Up the stairs, 1st floor, 2nd room on the left.”
Little Johnny sets off up the stairs, towing the dead frog on its’ piece of string behind him, Thud Thud Thud.
Half way up the stairs, Little Johnny stops, turns around and says to the woman,
“One other thing. This girl must have Active Herpes!”
The madam cries out,
“All my girls are clean. They are inspected once a month for such things!”
Little Johnny returns to the counter, reaches into his right trousers pocket, produces a $50 note and hands it to the woman, who snatches it up, and once again, it disappears between her ample breasts.
“3rd floor, 4th room on the right.”
Once again, Little Johnny sets off up the stairs towing the dead frog on its’ piece of string behind him. Thud, Thud, Thud.
About two hours later, Little Johnny returns down the stairs towing the dead frog on its’ piece of string, Thud Thud Thud.
He is walking through the door when the madam calls him back and says to him,
“I can understand you coming here looking for a girl, but why the Active Herpes?”
“Well,”
says Little Johnny,
"when I get home, my baby sitter will be there waiting to look after me tonight because tonight is when my parents go to Bridge Club, and because she never says anything to mommy or daddy when I misbehave. I let her practice on me for when her boyfriend and her want to try out something new.
So, if I let her have sex with me, she’ll catch Active Herpes.
At about midnight, mommy and daddy will come home.
My daddy will take the babysitter home, give her $50, have sex with her in the back of the car, and then daddy will catch Active Herpes.
Then, he’ll drive home, drink a brandy, go to bed with mommy, have sex with her, and then m0mmy will catch Active Herpes.”
“In the morning, daddy will go to work, and about half an hour later, the milk man will come round. He’ll have a cup of tea. And then he’ll catch Active Herpes.”
“And he’s the bastard who ran over my frog!!!”



Little Johnny is playing in the street with a bottle.
The local vicar, walking by, sees him, and says,
“What have you got in the bottle, Johnny?”
Johnny replies,
“Borasic Acid.”
“You can’t play with that!, That’s Dangerous stuff!”
Little Johnny retorts.
“Don’t tell you how to play with Holy Water do I?”
The vicar says,
“Holy Water and Borasic Acid are two completely different things. For example; On Sunday, I sprinkled Holy Water on a woman’s’ belly, and the next day, she passed a baby.”
“That’s nothing,"
replied Little Johnny.
Last night I sprinkled Borasic Acid on my dogs bollocks, and thirty seconds later he passed a Ferrari!”





Little Johnny comes into the kitchen, and says to his mother,
“Mommy, why has daddy got two willies?”
His mother laughs, wipes her hands on her apron, and laughs,
“He only has one.”
Little Johnny is adamant.
“No! he’s got two. He’s got a short thin one that he goes wee wee with, and a long thick one he uses to clean the maids’ teeth with.