TOP SIXTEEN SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE PLANNING TO KILL YOU

16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden

15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill

14. He actually has your tongue

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip

9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM"

8. You catch him with a new mohawk, looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "My Will" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT"

and the number one sign your cat may be planning to kill you...

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines

That was good and funny for so early in the morning. Thank's