Tell your best friend she is blind to the fact her boyfriend is little more than scum? She has been seeing this guy off and on for 3yrs (they have broken up 7 times) and things are only getting worse between them. He uses her for money, she lives on SSI and he has a job. When he gets paid from his job he spends it all on booze and wont call her for a week, then when he needs money he shows up again. And while she lives on SSI, she pays his cell phone bill, helps with car payments, AND helps him pay child support for his 3 kids. She knows that the relationship is not right but is afraid to totally leave him because she is scared to be single. She knows how I feel about him and she knows how the rest of her friends feel. She just called me a little bit ago because she has not been able to get ahold of him and she needs a ride to her church choir rehearsal, which he was supposed to provide. She had me call him to see if he would answer. Well he did, and when I told him who I was, he hung up. What would you guys do in a situation like this? Just be there for her whenever she needs to talk and let her make her mistakes or what? I have no clue what else to do. She already knows how I feel.

Sorry for such a long post.

she will realize that she deserves better but it may take a long time

Yeah, she will have to wake up on her own. She will do what's right. Just be there for her when the time comes.

Don't know what to tell you Suz, but my shooting services are still available.

Unfortunately she will figure it out on her own. Ive had friends like this and they would get defensive. So I stopped telling them and they finally used their own brain, for once, and figured it out. Its hard though.....to watch!!

I understand totally. If she's afraid of being single, help find a replacement, and then have that replacement tell bf off, take care of friend and kick the other guy to curb. or pull your friend from the situation when the guy asks for money have her call you, and you get in there and tell him to **** off, that he has a job and she needs her money, throw his bills in his face and tell him to pay them himself, he has the money to do so.

Your friend needs to know being single is a good thing when you're in a relationship that bad. She sounds like a good women who can get a lot better and for sure deserves a lot better. If I were you I'd keep pushing her to leave her to leave him, and let her know being single is a lot better than being an a unhealthy relationship.

Next time he hangs up on me I will give you a call

Wow, that is terrible.

I would hope by now she is aware of the fact that he is totally using her. I believe it is all on her now to do what she needs to do; you and the rest of her friends have already given her input, and I would imagine it's a unanimous decision.

She has three children, and they are the priority in this situation.

It's up to her to do the right thing.
If I were her friend, I'd do all I can to encourage her and help her through a break-up or whatever course of action she decides to take.

She is not the one with the kids, he is.

Damn my logic.

well for starters shaming her is not going to help her - it is obvious that she has some self esteem issues .. Love her , accept her and be there for her. She is an adult and you can not control her. So just be there when she needs you ...

What bothers me is she has admitted to me that she knows he is using her. But she said "she doesn't know how to be single." The last time they broke up I prayed it would be for good, but he called her "in tears" and begged her to take him back, and of course he promised to do better. For a while he did, but recently he has gone back to the same behavior.

Its a sad situation but realistically, you can't do a thing but be there for her when the relationship ends. She is the one who has to decide when to end it, you can't. Hopefully sooner then later, she will see the light and face the facts that he is a loser and dump him. Lots of women would rather let a man use them then face the fears of being alone..isn't that sad?
All I know is you are going to have to stand back and just let things happen. She is going to have to stand up to him and handle the situation NOT you.
Good luck

She has some serious self esteem issues. She has guys knocking down her door but she still thinks she is ugly. By the way, she is the black girl on my profile. I in no way ever belittle her for staying with him. I just tell her how I feel, I know that is about all I can do but it is so hard to watch.

Having been on the opposite side of that fence, I can tell you this: no matter how much you tell her something, how many times or what you do to help, until it is HER idea, nothing will change.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 1/2 years, the guy cheated on my more times than I care to admit, put his drugs and friends and "street life" over me and our 3 children, was never home when I needed him, when he was home he was abusive in all 3 forms of the word...and my family and friends would get me out, I would be away from him for a few months and then go right back to him. Falling for the "I miss you, I love you, I want our family and I'll marry you and we'll have everything you want and deserve." I so desperately wanted to hear it, I'd go back. Within a few weeks to a few months things would be back to the same-old-same old (only worse) and the cycle continued. It wasn't until I came to the realization myself that no matter what I did it would never be enough, he was never going to become the man "I saw" and I deserved better for myself and my children. That was almost 3 years ago now (I was 3 months pregnant with our youngest, who is now a little over 2) and I havn't looked back.

The point is, if it's family and friends who pull the person out of the relationship, they don't have the strength they need to tell the person "no, I deserve better" whenever they try to come back into the picture. They have to make that choice on their own so that they can stand on their own feet rather than crutch on someone else. The best you can do is provide a listening ear, don't offer advice (hard, I know) and give her the "smile and nod" treatment when she starts complaining about something. If you do just need to give her some advice, don't tell her what you would do...ask her, "So..I've listened to everything you've been saying. What are you going to do about it? If you're not going to do anything about it, then why keep complaining about the same things? It never solves anything." That keeps all choices still up to her, but maybe makes her think that she does deserve better treatment and it's time to start thinking in that direction. If she comes up with a plan/idea..by all means, talk her through it. But don't be a crutch making all the plans for her...make her do it, so that she can stand by them.

Exactly, it is sad. But for women in abusive relationships (and men too) it's not something that happened over night. It's happened over months and years of time, so that the other person becomes dependant upon them, thinking that person is the only one who will be able to love them.

It also comes down to this: Better the known devil than the unknown. At least you know what to expect..it's bad, but predicatable. By leaving that, you suddenly enter completely unknown territory with everything that person ever said to you in the corners of your mind. It makes you doubt yourself, doubt other people and doubt everything in general. Which makes a "single" life or a life with another person hard to face. And why a lot of women leave one bad relationship and tend to fall into another relationship with a man of similiar personality traits...it's known. And therefore "safe" and familiar...

Unsure: You're posts surely show you are quite sure about some things. And clearly a great friend. You give great "post"!

It's hard to watch a loved one in a situation that is hurtful. Try as much as you can not to get involved, but listen, be supportive and to wait for her to see it on her own. When she comes to you and it's over, tell her how much you love her and you want only the best for her. That we all make mistakes and will continue to do so. Hope that she looks within, relieves herself of the guilt, and makes choices that give her the situations she deserves in the end. If I were you, this would cause me pain to see her in pain. Stay strong for the both of you.

Thanks Scinn. I know it is so much easier to be the person on the outside looking in. I just wish I could give her more self-esteem. I hate to say it but she is one of those people that uses her disability to her advantage in a way. She thinks that because she is unable to walk that no one could possibly love her. Yet she turns down anyone that offers.