1.. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2.. Definition of a will: A dead giveaway.

3.. A backward poet writes inverse.

4.. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

5.. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6.. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

7.. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8.. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

9.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

10.. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

11.. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

12.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13.. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

14.. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

15.. Every calendar's days are numbered.

16.. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

17.. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

18.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

19.. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20.. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

21.. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

22.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

23.. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

24.. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

25.. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

26.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

27.. Accupuncture is a jab well done.

28.. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

29.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

30.. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

31.. Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

32.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

33.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

34.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

35.. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor-play.

36.. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

37.. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

38.. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

39.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

40.. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

41.. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

42.. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

43.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

44.. Editing is a re-wording activity.

45.. Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.

46.. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

47.. In school, the class trapeze artist with an attitude was always being suspended.

48.. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

49.. The sleepy rocker's favourite band was Z - Z - Z - Z - Z - Top.

50.. An Italian suppository: An "in-you-end-o".

51.. What you get when you mate a ****zu and a bull dog: bull****.