I'm worried my 20 yr old son is either depressed or not maturing developmentally to becoming an adult. He has no friends, has never had a girlfriend (still a virgin, I think), just learning how to drive, etc.. I feel I need to take him to a counselor or something or just wait (maybe he's just a very late bloomer)? Not really looking for advice here so much as comments from others who have older kids.

i know exactly how you feel i can give you advice on that cuz my own child was exactly the same..

when all was said and done he ended up admitting he needed help
but when i tried he refused to go
all he would do was stay home no freinds just play on the playstation,, was a virgin ect...but then he went into drugs and was into it he ended up stealing doing some time and alot more

his only answer to me was he though he was the problem he never had a dad

its been years now since we have had any contact he moved away and straighted up
and is now headed on the right road but at age 17 it was hell

so just try to get him some help

I don't have older kids but I think you have some fairly valid concerns. I don't know that I wouldn't make an appointment with his doctor and see what they say. If he is depressed, the sooner you start treatment, the better off he'll be. Good luck

He might just be a late bloomer like you think. I have two sons,one is 30 the younger 20. I have concerns about the younger one like you. Just pray, and listen to him. Try to draw him into a discussion about what he wants out of his life and try to help him w/the tools and support to get it. And I am not talking about finacial stuff. Try to get him to become active in your church he will meet people his own age there. Or have him take a course at your local college. Social skills are developed by interaction w/others.

I do have some older children and see that you need to talk to somebody. I know form experience that you talking to him is probably no help..feels like your being overly critical. Is there perhaps another family member he can talk to to maybe open up to? My older son donesnt like to talk to me but he will with his sister. Even though they talk about the same things I ask about. Good luck hon..

I would say the most you can do at this point is just offer to be there if he needs to talk, and then butt out until he accepts. He IS 20 years old, which makes him an adult, wether you are ready for that or not. And as far as wether or not he is a virgian? WTF?! That is none of your concern or business, he may simply not be ready for it. I for one did not give up my virginity until I was damn near 26 years old, and that was because I had not found someone I could trust enough to do so with. If you are pressuring him about his love-life, that initself may very well be why he is distant and not willing to come forward with you.

Start out very small, but force him to do for himself. Laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, etc. One step at a time. Make him get a phone in his name, etc. You have to gently lead him towards doing the things an independent man would have to do. Good luck.

Thanks for all the comments, my darlins! He's at the space inbetween a boy & a man, and I worry. He is working, has his own car & insurance (I'm teaching him to drive, it's like having a chauffer!lol!), made him pick a group activity to go do (computer gaming at the library), needs to get his GED then he wants to study computers, wish he would get a girlfriend (he's shy about the opposite sex - lacks confidence but very polite & well mannered). I take him to dance class with me sometimes, as socializing practice. Only time will tell, I guess. Wish I had girls sometimes, but that would be a whole other set of problems! lol! KISSES, Ms. V

I think you should be glad that your son is not out with all of these bad kids doing bad things!! My son was just a late bloomer at getting started. My son was 17 and he didn't have many friends, actually just one best friend. All they did was stay home and play Nintendo stuff.
Mark never had a girlfriend and I know he was a virgin!! But Mark had a social anxiety disorder...so maybe thats what your son has? Does he get nervous around people and being out in public? Once Mark started taking medicine...he became a social butterfly!! He has so many friends and OMG to many girlfriends! Maybe you should ask him how he feels when he is in a big crowd of people....if he gets feeling like hes overwhelmed and theres way to many people, then take him in to talk to someone!!!
Good luck

I was and am kinda in the same boat as your son .

I got out of it when I was 19 when my Mom pretty much forced me to get a job but it was really the best thing . I made friends ,got my lisence ,got laid . All was good for 4years or so and then I moved and it was the worst thing I ever did . I don't do well with really big changes . Now I am 24 still living with Mom no job and no friends . I even lost my lisence . Alot of it has to do with depression . I also depend ALOT on my Mother . It may seem harsh but maybe you should just STOP doing things for him . Sometimes I wish I could do things without my Mom but I feel that I just can't .

My Brother had the same problem and was diagnosed w/a form of autism . He started seeing a doctor and was able to get out on his own and get married . Now I think he just transfered everything over to his wife instead of our Mother . He does work though .

I wouldn't be too concerned. I was somewhat the same way till I was 20 or so and then got married for all the wrong reasons. Parental pressure was just as bad as peer pressures, and as a result I got married to prove everyone wrong. The best thing you could do is support him in all his decisions, and DON'T talk down to him no matter what. He is old enough to make his own decisions, and outside pressures could cause more damage than good.

Thats my take on the situation, and thats experience from being in his position 28 yrs ago. It took over 2 decades for me to realize and make the decision to end an unhappy marriage.

Think about it, and talk with him IF he asks for help otherwise he will think your intruding, at least thats what I felt.



G

Thanks ya'll for all your comments & suggestions! I have just been worried that he is not maturing to his age & soo far behind where he should be as a 20 yr old. Guess everything comes in it's own time, huh? lol! Always like a mom to worry!

also keep in mind that society as a whole tends to rush the growing up process i kids way too much. Be greatful he is not out looking for dates, sex, and whatever at age 20. He still have at least 80 years to go...

i was a virgin till I got married at 20 and had only a handful of friends.No worries.I would however have him get a job and contribute to the household and save for a car..

My son is 20 and still a virgin. He works, but can't afford a car. There is nothing wrong with kids of this age who may be just "different" than what you think the rest of the kids his age should be like. Accept him and love him, as is. If he does get upset or angry, about anything, be there to talk to him.

Perhaps consider that maybe he is naturally introverted. Maybe he likes spending time or alone, or maybe he simply isn't interested in the people of his own age he has already met. If he's happy then that's the main thing, and that's something only he can suss out.

As others have said, just be there for him.

Your concern over the virginity worries me the most, to be frank. It's not unusual to be a virgin at twenty, and he certainly doesn't need to feel he's a freak for being one. Just let him find his own path. He invariably will.

I think it's great if he's a virgin. I didn't lose mine until I was 22. I wasn't ready and I wasn't going to hurry it.