Mortalez,


Welcome to my cyber mansion, I feel you, being the last to know when you being lied and cheated on is a horrible feeling and its angers you that the betrayal and infidelity upon you is unacceptable. I remember my old girlfriend when I was 19 cheated on my with a crab from a dance club she attended after analyzing what really happen. She was drunk, I think she took his phone number to toss it but she was so wasted she forgot to toss it and the guy left a voicemail on her beeper back in the day. because I wasn't secure within myself then I broke it off with her....

I think it's important to also recognize that women are much better with subtleties than men.

So as EyeAm points out in the differences with the how and why the two sexes go about cheating, women are likely to be more subtle when they do cheat. For us men, it's those subtleties that are going generate anxiety and self-doubt. In my last post, I tried to demonstrate some of that.

Many men want to "fix" things. So if something is wrong, we want to try to understand it simply so we can "fix" it. But if we can't wrap our minds around what is happening, we may lose control over our emotions. When that happens, we might act out in ways that indirectly impact the situation. Or we may confront the situation head on. It depends upon the personality of the man and his emotional maturity.

For me, if I have questions without answers, or if the answers aren't specific enough or concrete enough -- meaning, for instance, they expect me to understand something that's implied rather than stated -- I'm going to become increasingly anxious until my questions are answered beyond any shadow of a doubt. That anxiety is eventually going to become noticeable in how I speak or act, regardless of how much I'm trying to control or suppress it. In the end, that's going to impact how we both interact in a negative manner.

So the best course for the woman in that situation is to be blunt and honest with me. No subtleties. No room to read into anything.

But there's also something corollary to that. She needs to back those words up with her actions. Because if her words and her actions don't match, that too is going to leave room for doubt and reading into. Then the anxiety will return, and the whole cycle will repeat itself.

Tossing it out there for thoughts and discussion...

ShyButKind,


Welcome to my cyber mansion good to see you here. I like the fact that you wouldn't want to argue. You would trust he's really tired and not make a mountain out of a mole hill. Way to go !

EyeAmYourHost39,

I will say jealousy can be controlled if you a cool calm & collective type of person. Over reaction can be help with professional therapy. Too much jealousy can lead to crimes of passion. Too much over reaction may cause you to feel lost control. America lets admit it, we all been on both sides coin in our lives somewhere. I'm not a jealous person because I am too much into being a 42 year old Prima Donna or a self made Divo. I have high standards for myself. I think I'm a great catch to my girlfriend and even more cool to my friends. I want the best for myself and if I feel I have to be with a women who not honest or cheating she get dismissed. Its all about raising your own bar to everything in this life. Don't confuse standards with vanity. My advice to those who been thru the either side of the scenarios. Well, its up to you to set the bar high for yourself. You don't need to take (Blank) from anybody that's not into building you up but tearing you down. Like the song women say all the time " You Can Do Bad All By Yourself" it makes perfect sense. Trust, love, understanding, & commitment is what keeps you happy.

I think it depends on the relationship or rather who your partner is. For example, if this was a scenario with my ex husband I would think nothing of it. He was a very moral, honest to a fault type of person. But if it was someone like an ex boyfriend who would get so drunk he'd have blackouts or couldn't drive, I'd have more concern.

Beats me.
What else is going on?
Is this normal for her?
What does the hug look like? What is the body language of the handsome guy and girl?
What's going on in our relationship?
What's motivating me to put "peddles" in the bath? Do I feel them drawing away and am trying to communicate feelings? Does she smell bad and that's my hint? Did we have an argument and this is my apology?

Behavior doesn't really change without something motivating it. Either in reaction to something "bad" or in pursuit of something desirable, and in most cases some combination of the two.
So why am I "really" doing these "romantic" things all of a sudden?


Maybe.
What's communication like in the relationship?
Is it bad and therefore "overreaction" is necessary in order to adequately express something so she'll understand it?
Am I overreacting as a means to try and cow and control her? Do I do that because in our relationship I've found that's what she understands and needs? Is she the type that constantly pushes boundaries, pushes me in order to see how far I'll go, thereby she knows "where she stands," and that's the only way she knows how to do that?


If you aren't going to be specific on who it is then let's speculate even further and say it's the reincarnated soul of her childhood pony.


Maybe.
Depends on a lot of things.

Also, who is defining "overreact?"
Is it something I will look back on and say "I overreacted."
Or is it something where I do/say/decide something and she says "you're overreacting."
Or do we write everything down on paper and poll 100 random strangers and ask them "is this overreacting?"

Because any reaction can be seen by some as an overreaction. I might not think I'm overreacting but she might. She might not think I am overreacting to something whereas for who I think I am I might classify myself as overreacting. She and I might not see it as an overreaction but some nosy neighbor might and call the cops.


That could easily be seen as condescending. Why is it any of your business?
The fact you paid attention and need/want to know "could" be seen as an overreaction from her perspective.

This seems more like something you'd read on the internet about parenting a teen. "I would sit down with my teen and gently ask them where they got the beer."


So why ask at all?
Do you trust her or not?
If she wanted you to know who he was, you wouldn't have to ask.
If you trusted her, you'd be more focused on how she reacts to the "peddles" in the bath than her ride home.


You can ruin it just as easily by trying to "control" yourself, the situation, and ultimately them by "sitting down" with them and "gently" interrogating them.

Likwrmn

Welcome to my cyber mansion.....you certainly have a point....if the women at the club as a dance then decides to drive you home then no harm no file. See sometimes it dont have to be a case of being malice. Thats a test of fate. If he or she is a good loyal to u then jealousy no option.but if your mate over reacts then we need to sit down and talk.

CireTom

Welcome back i got to admit your post is alot of read but i like it because it gives my readers more input on voice of reason. But at the same time its thruth and i love how you analyze the senarios. Keep posting my friend.

CireTom

Welcome back i got to admit your post is alot of read but i like it because it gives my readers more input on voice of reason. But at the same time its thruth and i love how you analyze the senarios. Keep posting my friend.

Over-all, this is a pretty good assessment.
I can actually put myself in this mindset when I was younger.
Lots of truth there.

This applied when I was younger and unsure of myself.
I have gained wisdom while experiencing this in life.

My wisdom tells me that over-all, there is no reason to feel anxious about anything.
My self-esteem and personal control of my emotional states and the ability to find my own contentment allows me to be content no matter what happens in life.
This happens because I am not afraid of anything because the worst thing that could happen is that I die and I am not afraid of death anymore.
I'm not afraid of losing anything or anyone.
Those delusions are gone now.

Jealousy and over-reaction are things we do in response to some type of threat. If everyday is a gift of life and you understand that life is merely a temporary condition of existing, you don't get too concerned over anything.

I wake everyday as a surprise that I am still alive. I live each day knowing it could be my last. Absolutely nothing is worth excessive concern. This thinking gives me inner peace and contentment.

I lived with stress and anxiety, I assure you, its not worth the effort to maintain it.
Being stress and drama free I find others that are still ruled by those demons as out of 'self-control'. Take charge of your own serenity.

Tom4UHere,

I think you absolutely correct women that cheats are more subtle than us as male pigs that cheats. You right it takes maturity to see the error of bad ways. See when we young we think we know the world and nobody can tell us nothing until we fall on our face then we make the change to offer advice. I always believed that if somebody that keeps assumes you messing around then the questions kind of tells on them.

ActionLynx,

Well again, men from Mars & Women from Venus when it comes to infidelity and view points. That okay, we should have different dialogue as long we can meet each other at the end for the sake of the point. I always thought having a female best friend of a lesbian best friend is closes you will get to female perspective and protection. A woman knows a woman. If a girl likes me and maybe I don't see it but the female friend sees it she enlighten you with whats she think and observe. Same goes you a girl and have a male best friend or gay best friend he will tell you the real without having the straight male wants to sleep with her mentality.

Forget the doghouse! He's out of the house! No man has any business giving another female his number....unless it's family/ friend that I know personally and even then my guard is up!/supervisor-and if I want to see that phone...it better be presented without hesitation! I'm not generally a jealous woman (I used to be in my early 20s...and I'm 42 now so I've calmed down alot!) I've come to the realization a man is going to do whateverthefuck he wants to do regardless who is at home waiting on him. However, that don't mean I have to sit idle by and wait for him to start slipping either! If 2+2 is equaling to 10...we got a problem!

I typically don't get jealous or overreact because those are about personal insecurities. However, I do act quickly if I'm being lied to to or effed with.

Welcome back, Crankster. We missed you.