Is there a Santa Claus?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.
3. Bizarre sense of humor. "Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands," said Steiger.
4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.
6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.
9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. There is always a way.
3. The easy way is always mined.
4. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
* when you're ready for them.
* when you're not ready for them.
5. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
6. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
7. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
8. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
9. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
10. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
11. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
12. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
13. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
14. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
15. Friendly fire - isn't.
16. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
17. Suppressive fires - won't.
18. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
19. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't too stupid, now is it?
20. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
21. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
22. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
23. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
24. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
25. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
26. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
27. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
28. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
29. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
30. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
31. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
32. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
33. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
34. Incoming fire has the right of way.
35. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
36. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
37. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
38. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
39. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
40. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
41. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
42. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
43. Tracers work both ways.
44. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
45. When both sides are convinced they will lose, they're both right.
46. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
47. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
48. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
49. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
50. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
51. Weather ain't neutral.
52. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
53. Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
54. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
55. Napalm is an area support weapon.
56. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
57. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
58. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
59. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
60. The one item you need is always in short supply.
61. Interchangeable parts aren't.
62. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
63. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
64. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
65. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
66. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
67. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
68. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
69. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
70. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
71. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
72. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
73. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
74. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
75. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
76. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
77. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
78. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
79. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
80. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
81. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
82. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
83. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
84. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
85. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
86. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
87. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
88. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
89. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
90. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
91. Murphy was a grunt.
92. Beer Math -- 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
93. Body count Math -- 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
94. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
95. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
96. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
97. The crucial round is a dud.
98. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
99. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
100. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
101. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
102. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
103. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
104. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
105. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
106. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
107. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his actual importance in your chain of command.
108. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
109. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
110. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
111. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
112. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
113. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
114. The seriousness of a wound in a fire-fight is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
115. Walking point = sniper bait.
116. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
117. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
118. All or any of the above combined.

Company Safety Bulletin:
Status of Employees (Deceased)

It has come to the attention of management that employees have been found dying on the job and are either refusing or neglecting to fall down. This practice must cease forthwith, and any dead employee found in an upright position will be removed from the salary register immediately.

If in future a departmental head notices that an employee has not moved for an hour he will immediately investigate the cause as for some employees it is difficult to distinguish between death and natural movement. A careful investigation should be made by holding a salary cheque in front of the suspect corpse as this is considered to be a very reliable test.

There have been, however, cases where natural instinct has been so strong that the hand of the corpse has made spasmodic clutches even after rigor mortis has set in.

The most successful test is to whisper "sick leave". This has been known to revive a body that has been dead for more than a week. This test should, however, not be applied to departmental heads of whom movement of any kind is rarely suspected.

Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office....But Aren't

1. I need you to whip it out by 5!

2. Mind if I use your laptop?

3. Put it in my box before you leave.

4. If I have to lick one more; I'll gag!

5. I want it on my desk...NOW!

6. Hmmmmm....I think it's out of fluid.

7. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish..

8. It's an entry-level position.

9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

10. It's NOT fair...I do all the work while he justs sits back!

Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Prison versus Work

* In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
* At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

* In prison you get three meals a day.
* At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

* In prison you get time off for good behavior.
* At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

* In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
* At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

* In prison you can watch TV and play games.
* At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

* In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
* At work you are just ball-and-chained.

* In prison you get your own loo.
* At work you have to share.

* In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
* At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

* In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
* At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

* In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
* At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

* In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
* At work we have managers.

GODZILLA'S TWELVE STEP PROGRAM by Joe R. Lansdale

ONE: Honest Work

Godzilla, on his way to work at the foundry, sees a large building that seems to be mostly made of shiny copper and dark, reflecting solar glass. He sees his image in the glass and thinks of the old days, wonders what it would be like to stomp on the building, to blow flames at it, kiss the windows black with his burning breath, then dance rapturously in the smoking debris.

One day at a time, he tells himself. One day at a time.

Godzilla makes himself look at the building hard. He passes it by. He goes to the foundry. He puts on his hard hat. He blows his fiery breath into the great vat full of used car parts, turns the car parts to molten metal. The metal runs through pipes and into new molds for new car parts. Doors. Roofs. Etc.

Godzilla feels some of the tension drain out.

TWO: Recreation

After work Godzilla stays away from downtown. He feels tense. To stop blowing flames after work is difficult. He goes over to the BIG MONSTER RECREATION CENTER.

Gorgo is there. Drunk from oily seawater, as usual. Gorgo talks about the old days. She's like that. Always the old days.

They go out back and use their breath on the debris that is deposited there daily for the centers use. Kong is out back. Drunk as a monkey. He's playing with Barbie dolls. He does that all the time. Finally, he puts the Barbies away in his coat pocket, takes hold of his walker and wobbles past Godzilla and Gorgo.

Gorgo says, "Since the fall he ain't been worth ****. And what's with him and the little plastic broads anyway? Don't he know there's real women in the world?"

Godzilla thinks Gorgo looks at Kong's departing walker-supported *** a little too wistfully. He's sure he sees wetness in Gorgos eyes.

Godzilla blows some scrap to cinders for recreation, but it doesn't do much for him, as he's been blowing fire all day long and has, at best, merely taken the edge off his compulsions. This isn't even as satisfying as the foundry. He goes home.

Three: Sex and Destruction

That night there's a monster movie on television. The usual one. Big beasts wrecking havoc on city after city. Crushing pedestrians under foot.

Godzilla examines the bottom of his right foot, looks at the scar there from stomping cars flat. He remembers how it was to have people squish between his toes. He thinks about all of that and changes the channel. He watches twenty minutes of Mr. Ed, turns off the TV, masturbates to the images of burning cities and squashing flesh.

Later, deep into the night, he awakens in a cold sweat. He goes to the bathroom and quickly carves crude human figures from bars of soap. He mashes the soap between his toes, closes his eyes and imagines. Tries to remember.

FOUR: Beach Trip and The Big Turtle

Saturday, Godzilla goes to the beach. A drunk monster that looks like a big turtle flies by and bumps Godzilla. The turtle calls Godzilla a name, looking for a fight. Godzilla remembers the turtle is called Gamera.

Gamera is always trouble. No one liked Gamera. The turtle was a real *******.

Godzilla grits his teeth and holds back the flames. He turns his back and walks along the beach. He mutters a secret mantra given him by his sponsor. The giant turtle follows after, calling him names.

Godzilla packs up his beach stuff and goes home. At his back he hears the turtle, still cussing, still pushing. It's all he can do not to respond to the big dumb bastard. All he can do. He knows the turtle will be in the news tomorrow. He will have destroyed something, or will have been destroyed himself.

Godzilla thinks perhaps he should try and talk to the turtle, get him on the twelve-step program. That's what you're supposed to do. Help others. Maybe the turtle could find some peace.

But then again, you can only help those who help themselves. Godzilla realizes he can not save all the monsters of the world. They have to make these decisions for themselves. But he makes a mental note to go armed with leaflets about the twelve-step program from now on.

Later, he calls in to his sponsor. Tells him he's had a bad day. That he wanted to burn buildings and fight the big turtle. Reptilicus tells him it's okay. He's had days like that. Will have days like that once again.

Once a monster always a monster. But a recovering monster is where it's at. Take it one day at a time. It's the only way to be happy in the world. You can't burn and kill and chew up humans and their creations without paying the price of guilt and multiple artillery wounds.

Godzilla thanks Reptilicus and hangs up. He feels better for awhile, but deep down he wonders just how much guilt he really harbors. He thinks maybe it's the artillery and the rocket-firing jets he really hates, not the guilt.

FIVE: Off The Wagon

It happens suddenly. He falls off the wagon. Coming back from work he sees a small doghouse with a sleeping dog sticking halfway out of a doorway. There's no one around. The dog looks old. It's on a chain. Probably miserable anyway. The water dish is empty. The dog is living a worthless life. Chained. Bored. No water.

Godzilla leaps and comes down on the doghouse and squashes dog in all directions. He burns what's left of the doghouse with a blast of his breath. He leaps and spins on tip-toe through the wreckage. Black cinders and cooked dog slip through his toes and remind him of the old days.

He gets away fast. No one has seen him. He feels giddy. He can hardly walk he's so intoxicated. He calls Reptilicus, gets his answering machine. "I'm not in right now. I'm out doing good. But please leave a message, and I'll get right back to you."

The machine beeps. Godzilla says, "Help."

SIX: His Sponsor

The doghouse rolls around in his head all the next day. While at work he thinks of the dog and the way it burned. He thinks of the little house and the way it crumbled. He thinks of the dance he did in the ruins.

The day drags on forever. He thinks maybe when work is through he might find another doghouse, another dog.

On the way home he keeps an eye peeled, but no doghouses or dogs are seen.

When he gets home his answering machine light is blinking. Its a message from Reptilicus. Reptilicus's voice says, "Call me."

Godzilla does. He says, "Reptilicus. Forgive me, for I have sinned."

SEVEN: Disillusioned. Disappointed.

Reptilicus's talk doesn't help much. Godzilla shreds all the twelve-step program leaflets. He wipes his butt on a couple and throws them out the window. He puts the scraps of the others in the sink and sets them on fire with his breath. He burns a coffee table and a chair, and when he's through, feels bad for it. He knows the landlady will expect him to replace them.

He turns on the radio and lies on the bed listening to an Oldies station. After a while, he falls asleep to Martha and the Vandellas singing "Heat Wave."

EIGHT: Unemployed

Godzilla dreams. In it God comes to him, all scaly and blowing fire. He tells Godzilla he's ashamed of him. He says he should do better. Godzilla awakes covered in sweat. No one is in the room.

Godzilla feels guilty. He has faint memories of having awakened to go out and destroyed part of the city. He really tied one on, but he can't remember everything he did. Maybe he'll read about it in the papers. He notices he smells like charred lumber and melted plastic. There's gooshy stuff between his toes, and something tells him it isn't soap.

He wants to kill himself. He goes to look for his gun, but he's too drunk to find it. He passes out on the floor. He dreams of the devil this time. He looks just like God except he has one eyebrow that goes over both eyes. The devil says he's come for Godzilla.

Godzilla moans and fights. He dreams he gets up and takes pokes at the devil, blows ineffective fire on him.

Godzilla rises late the next morning, hung over. He remembers the dream. He calls into work sick. Sleeps off most of the day. That evening, he reads about himself in the papers. He really did some damage. Smoked a large part of the city. There's a very clear picture of him biting the head off of a woman.

He gets a call from the plant manager that night. The managers seen the paper. He tells Godzilla he's fired.

NINE: Enticement

Next day some humans show up. They're wearing black suits and white shirts and polished shoes and they've got badges. They've got guns, too. One of them says, "You're a problem. Our government wants to send you back to Japan."

"They hate me there," says Godzilla. "I burned Tokyo down."

"You haven't done so good here either. Lucky that was a colored section of town you burned, or we'd be on your ***. As it is, we've got a job proposition for you."

"What?" Godzilla asks.

"You scratch our back, we'll scratch yours." Then the men tell him what they have in mind.

TEN: Choosing

Godzilla sleeps badly that night. He gets up and plays the monster mash on his little record player. He dances around the room as if he's enjoying himself, but knows he's not. He goes over to the BIG MONSTER RECREATION CENTER. He sees Kong there, on a stool, undressing one of his Barbies, fingering the smooth little slot between her legs. He sees that Kong has drawn a crack there, like a vagina. It appears to have been drawn with a blue ink pen. He's feathered the central line with ink-drawn pubic hair. Godzilla thinks he should have got someone to do the work for him. It doesn't look all that natural.

God, he doesn't want to end up like Kong. Completely spaced. Then again, maybe if he had some dolls he could melt, maybe that would serve to relax him.

No. After the real thing, what was a Barbie? Some kind of form of Near Beer. That's what the debris out back was. Near Beer. The foundry. The Twelve Step Program. All of it. Near Beer.

ELEVEN: Working for the Government

Godzilla calls the government ********. "All right," he says. "I'll do it."

"Good," says the government man. "We thought you would. Check your mailbox. The map and instructions are there."

Godzilla goes outside and looks in his box. There's a manila envelope there. Inside are instructions. They say: "Burn all the spots you see on the map. You finish those, we'll find others. No penalties. Just make sure no one escapes. Any rioting starts, you finish them. To the last man, woman and child."

Godzilla unfolds the map. On it are red marks. Above the red marks are listings: ****** Town. Chink Village. White Trash Enclave. A Clutch of Queers. Mostly Democrats.

Godzilla thinks about what he can do now. Unbidden. He can burn without guilt. He can stomp without guilt. Not only that, they'll send him a check. He has been hired by his adopted country to clean out the bad spots as they see them.

TWELVE: The Final Step

Godzilla stops near the first place on the list: ****** Town. He sees kids playing in the streets. Dogs. Humans looking up at him, wondering what the hell he's doing here.

Godzilla suddenly feels something move inside him. He knows he's being used. He turns around and walks away. He heads toward the government section of town. He starts with the governor's mansion. He goes wild. Artillery is brought out, but it's no use, he's rampaging. Like the old days.

Reptilicus shows up with a megaphone, tries to talk Godzilla down from the top of the Great Monument Building, but Godzilla doesn't listen. He's burning the top of the building off with his breath, moving down, burning some more, moving down, burning some more, all the way to the ground.

Kong shows up and cheers him on. Kong drops his walker and crawls along the road on his belly and reaches a building and pulls himself up and starts climbing. Bullets spark all around the big ape.

Godzilla watches as Kong reaches the summit of the building and clings by one hand and waves the other, which contains a Barbie doll.

Kong puts the Barbie doll between his teeth. He reaches in his coat and brings out a naked Ken doll. Godzilla can see that Kong has made Ken some kind of penis out of silly putty or something. The penis is as big as Ken's leg.

Kong is yelling, "Yeah, that's right. That's right. I'm AC/DC, you sonsofabitches."

Jets appear and swoop down on Kong. The big ape catches a load of rocket right in the teeth. Barbie, teeth and brains decorate the greying sky. Kong falls.

Gorgo comes out of the crowd and bends over the ape, takes him in her arms and cries. Kong's hand slowly opens, revealing Ken, his penis broken off.

The flying turtle shows up and starts trying to steal Godzilla's thunder, but Godzilla isn't having it. He tears the top off the building Kong had mounted and beats Gamera with it. Even the cops and the army cheer over this.

Godzilla beats and beats the turtle, splattering turtle meat all over the place, like an overheated poodle in a microwave. A few quick pedestrians gather up chunks of the turtle meat to take home and cook, 'cause the rumor is it tastes just like chicken.

Godzilla takes a triple shot of rockets in the chest, staggers, goes down. Tanks gather around him.

Godzilla opens his bloody mouth and laughs. He thinks: If I'd have gotten finished here, then I'd have done the black people too. I'd have gotten the yellow people and the white trash and the homosexuals. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer. To hell with the twelve-step program. To hell with humanity.

Then Godzilla dies and makes a mess on the street. Military men tip-toe around the mess and hold their noses.

Later, Gorgo claims Kong's body and leaves.

Reptilicus, being interviewed by television reporters, says, "Zilla was almost there, man. Almost. If he could have completed the program, he'd have been all right. But the pressures of society were too much for him. You can't blame him for what society made of him."

On the way home, Reptilicus thinks about all the excitement. The burning buildings. The gunfire. Just like the old days when he and Zilla and Kong and that goon-ball turtle were young.

Reptilicus thinks of Kong's defiance, waving the Ken doll, the Barbie in his teeth. He thinks of Godzilla, laughing as he died.

Reptilicus finds a lot of old feelings resurfacing. They're hard to fight. He locates a lonesome spot and a dark house and urinates through an open window, then goes home.

Care And Feeding Of Your Godzilla by Unknown

Congratulations!

You detonated a nuclear weapon at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, and now you are the proud owner/feeder/panic-stricken victim of over two hundred and fifty feet of radioactive reptilian flesh! First of all, as a new Godzilla owner, there is one thing you should say to yourself: STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

That said, as it had to be, let's see what we can do about prolonging your pet's lifespan, most of which will involve prolonging yours.

Part 1: Your Pet's Habitat
Until recently, Godzillae have been found exclusively on Monster Island and the main islands of Japan. Of late, however, there have been accounts of the hulking behemoths in the United States, chiefly in the area of movie theaters and a number of back alleys in Philadelphia. What's important to you is to duplicate your pet's natural surroundings as closely as possible.

In the United States, of late, this has become easier due to huge numbers of Japanese imports into the bloated U.S. Consumer market. Your pet should feel right at home, and any large, coastal city with large ships and elevated trains near the ocean will be suitable for your pet's rest and recreation. You should be aware that your pet will go through 2-3 tankers in the course of each month, and as many elevated trains as he encounters. Arrangements with the Liberian government and your local transportation authority may be advisable.

You should always provide a hide box in your pet's habitat. This will be for you. We recommend a converted, hardened Titan missile silo or a mine shaft not less than 350' from the surface in rock no softer than igneous basalt. Don't forget to install a filtering system to remove the lethal Strontium 90 deposited by your pet's breath. You will spend a lot of time in your hide box. This is normal and very, very, healthy.



Part 2: Who to Feed Your Pet
In their natural habitat, Godzillae eat tankers, the Tokyo tower, Honda Civics, and Koreans. All but the tankers are more available than ever before in the United States. Your pet will most naturally take his food if you can arrange for large numbers of persons of Asian descent to proceed in an orderly fashion towards subway tunnels and Civil Defense shelters wearing silly little gauze masks over their faces. Fortunately for you and the cause of universal brotherhood, your pet will also eat people of other ethnic origins. We recommend the following:

Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al and Tipper Gore, the Pittsburgh and Philadelphia City councils, Senators Biden, Kennedy, De Concini, and Metzenbaum, the U.S. House of Representatives, Sarah Brady, Pete Shields, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda, the Rev. Al Sharpton, Saddam Hussein, Gen. Mohammed Farah Adid, NOW, Barbara Streisand, Ross Perot, Pee Wee Herman, Gov. Tom Florio, Jim Carrey...

Part 3: Mothras
In the course of your involuntary association with your pet, you may find an infestation of Mothras in your pet's substrate (we recommend Uranium tailings or coal slag for the latter, although he will spend most of his time in the sea). The following are signs of Mothra infestation:

1. A huge glowing egg somewhere in the immediate vicinity -- be very careful not to mistake such for one of those vinyl-roofed tennis rinks, or very much vice-versa.

2. Two huge giant caterpillars roaming through the subway tunnels. Once again, proper identification of exactly what just pulled up at the transit stop may be in order.

3. A sonic boom followed by the stuff of Lepidopterists' nightmares, the huge winged insect's presence usually predicted/followed by the presence of identical singing twins of 7-8" in height and the typical cynical, relentless, Hollywood/Ginza promoter.

4. Finding your pet wrapped in miles and miles of sticky, dental-floss-like material, so that he is unable to move. In case of the last, pop the champagne and leave the country.

What to do about Mothras: Do you really want to do anything about Mothras? Oh, very well. See if you can convince your pet to sleep on top of the Dow Chemical plant in Passaic New Jersey, or the nearest nuclear power facility or the new Federal high-level nuclear waste sight in New Mexico. If that doesn't work, try a prayer to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, or a sacrifice of several dozen cattle or virgins (either sex) to Hastur, Cthulhu, Ithaqua, and Shub-Internet. None of these will harm your pet. Very little will harm your pet (See Oxygen Destroyers, below)



Part 4: Godzilla Do's and Don'ts
DON'T trust the Japanese Defense Forces to keep your pet under control. The Navy and the USAF continue to react badly to the appearance of Mitsubishi Zero-Sen aircraft over American sites, and there's no point in starting up all that again, is there? Moreover, spectacular as those weird- looking satellite dish-things are on film, it is difficult to dub in the animated laser beams they shoot in real life. A final note: Japanese Defense Force activity in other parts of the world may cause all of Asia to panic. U.S. military activity in any part of the world may cause the entire world to panic, particularly in parts of Washington, D.C., Europe, and the Middle East.

DON'T attempt to help your pet when shedding. The removal of even one fleck of skin from his vast outer hide will undoubtedly expose you to over eighteen times the NRC maximum annual roentgen level for high-level atomic plant workers. Mist him down (using either slurry planes or a convenient fireboat) from a distance. If you think your pet is grouchy enough most of the time, his first shed will be a major learning experience for you.



DON'T operate a computer anywhere in the vicinity of your pet's habitat (current Godzilla owners reading this are already in big trouble). Like many members of his family, your pet will immediately appropriate your video display for basking sessions (See FAQ on Monitor Lizards, and, in Georgia, Savannah Monitor Lizards).



DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with the use of tactical or strategic nuclear weapons. Despite the first rate- opportunities for urban redevelopment and national guilt they offer, exposure to even the tiniest amounts of U-238 and Tritium are likely to make your pet return to a feral state. They sure as blazes won't hurt him.



DO take your pet to a showing of Jurassic Park, since he gets few enough chances to laugh out loud as it is, and since he will undoubtedly put the audience on their best behavior. A white-hot jet of glowing radioactive plasma is the cure for even the most determined cinema talker.



DO allow your pet to mix with the rest of your pet collection. Dogs and inquisitive cats will develop an entirely new attitude toward your herptiles as a consequence, and even the most crotchety of iguanas or burmese pythons will develop an entirely revised sense of self-esteem if they survive the aftermath.



DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with an oxygen destroyer. Although initially effective, your pet will have an annoying tendency to reappear even after being entirely skeletonized by such an agent, and, obliging Japanese chemists of late have become increasingly unwilling to immolate themselves because of your careless use of nuclear weaponry. You will not only have your pet back again, you will have him back with an ATTITUDE. [NOTE: Plus, the oxygen destroyer may merge with and mutate local microorganisms and create a super "Destroyer"-type creature, and then you'll have two oversized pets on you hands, not to mention the rest of your body, your house, the entire metropolitan area].



Part 5: Breeding Your Pet
You will have very little to say about when, where, how, or with whom your pet breeds--recall the saying about the sleeping habits of a 500 pound gorilla. You will be able to determine whether or not your Godzilla has bred by a certain smug and relaxed expression on his usually-dour features, and perhaps the presence of one or more cigarette butts among his substrate. In Japan, immature Godzillae are called Meen-Yas, in the United States, Barneys. Both types are noted for their inability to blow forth clouds of white-hot plasma, and a certain perverse desire to spend a great deal of time with small children. It is best to discourage this tendency on both sides as your newest problem matures.

Part 6: General Behavior and Tips
Generals in the presence of a Godzilla tend to scream wildly for the heaviest available firepower--but not for long. You can prevent avitaminosis in your pet by exploding several low-level dirty nuclear air bursts in his immediate vicinity, but in fact, the general behavior noted above should provide that for you. Your pet is apt to be on his worst behavior in the presence of a Japanese fishing vessel, but the perennial bad luck of Japanese fishing vessels in the presence of atmospheric radioactivity means that there is really very little you can do about it. Besides, if you object to current Japanese whale and dolphin slaughters, it is possible to take a certain kind of unholy joy in exactly what is going to happen.

As your pet ages, you may notice changes in behavior. At his youngest, he is at his most irritable and grouchy, and even as a mature leviathan he may fly into an extremely destructive rage at the sight of a Perry Mason re-run or movie on television. As he mellows, you may find him wrestling playfully with King Kongs, Ghidrah the three headed monster, Rodans, Mecha-Godzillae, cockroach-aliens, or other sea monsters. He may even begin marginally socially-acceptable behavior, such as saving the world from the clutches of the Smog Monster or Megalon. Recent studies, however, show a return toward grouchy behavior as time progresses--much as appears to be the case with the Japanese.

Two Young boys went into Boots and picked up a packet of tampons, the assistant asked if they knew what they were for, yes replied the boy, you can swim, and ride a bike with them and my brothers only four and can't do any of those.

hi i read all of your message and i am very dissapointed in you no matter what your maths tell you santa is around and always will be i am 60 years young ans still a believer so please dont kill him off love him to bits even though he never comes to me i will still keep hoping