There seems to be a lot of...misrecognition... of the difference between these two things, in the realm of relationships.

Lots of people think they are being PUNISHED by a mate, or often an ex mate, when actually they are suffering CONSEQUENCES.

I'm thinking of all sorts of aspects of love and relating with this. Obviously, if you cheat on someone, they CAN decide consciously to punish you for it as well, but the fact that they feel betrayed, and that their ability to believe in your honesty and concern for them is shattered, is a CONSEQUENCE.

It is a fact, which neither they nor you control.

I find that many people seem to mix up punishments and consequences, and want to blame each other for natural reactions and obvious results. This confusion will always make a difficult situation much worse, and will in relationship situations, do more to make a positive ending impossible, than the actual events do.

There are consequences to much smaller acts and choices than cheating, of course, I only used that as a most obvious illustration. Perhaps more important, are the much smaller elements of attraction. Things like timeliness. Following through on the many little promises we make to each other (to call on the way home, to say good morning and good night, and all sorts of little things).

We don't, any of us, control what we feel about things. We can only control what we do about what we feel. And being able to make the best choice about what to do, depends a great deal, I find, on us recognizing when it is that we are dealing with a consequence, and when we are facing or meting out a punishment.

You have good points. When my son was having seizures and my ex came back he said i would tense up when he put his arm around me. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Great points, although I do feel 'punishment' is a type of consequence, particularly if it is understood prior to one's choice.

So if the law says you spend three years in jail for robbing the convenience store. and you choose to rob that store, the consequence will be your punishment of jail.

of course we are seeing too many incidents in the system of the 'punishment' exceeding the choice(crime), but that's another discussion for another time.

My parents raised us with the concept of choice and consequence going together. They took it further to explain positive consequences (rewards, benefits) and negative consequences(punishments, cost)

we had family meetings, we were regularly reminded of the expectations and consequences, and any CHOICE of action was a CHOICE for the consequence attached to it, including well discussed punishments.

Well, unless this is addressed to a sociology class, your post makes no sense to the average person.


The example Ms.Harmony brought is an example of punishing for a consquence
Robbing a convenience store getting caught and the law punishing you by making a guest of the state in one of their fine institution.

Back to your scenario, if someone cheats, they do so by their choice, what is the punishment for their indiscretion?

If they are married and they are caught cheating, is divorce a punishment or the result of the cheat, a wife cutting off her hubby's pecker is probably a example of a draconian punishment but its against the law at least in America.

What exactly is the legal punishment for cheating?

We know what the punishment for cheating is if you cheat at school on your test, or cheat the IRS for taxes.

I do agree that a lot of people do mix up punishment and consequences.

Yes, there are a lot of people that find themselves alone because of some type of infidelity.
There are also some of us that were not cheated on or did not cheat.
I hate my X but not because she cheated on me. She did but that was just part of the reason I ended us. What makes me angry is how she treats the kids. I don't have to punish her tho. I also don't think she is punishing me. She is just defective in my eyes.
I did resent the consequences of my decision to end it with her at first.
There are a lot of people of both genders that are filled with resentment and anger after a divorce. Its part of the consequences of betrayal of your love and trust.
About 7 years ago I let go of my resentment and anger towards her. I removed those rose-colored glasses and saw that person as a stranger.
The woman that I loved has died and when she died the consequences of her betrayal died with her.
I am alone now because of the consequences of my health. It is my choice.
I hold hope of finding a woman that is able to look past my health but my contentment doesn't hinge on it.
Self-honesty is key to serenity.

I can't keep up with what my Ex's husbands are doing nordo I care.
One's been married 3x and the other one 4x. They have no problem getting a woman into a Relationship! They are Not faithful.

I loved them both Years ago. And moved on with my life . I have talked to
both in the past and was civil, after both divorces.

I don't hate them and All the Fault was theirs. The counselor said usually one partner is usually the one to Cause the breakup.

They don't have to go online to get women! The women find them!!

It's a difficult point that I'm trying to get at.

The thing is, I have seen repeated instances, where people accuse someone of punishing them, when what actually happened, was natural consequences.

The reason I chose cheating as an example, is that I have witnessed cheaters complaining that their official mate consciously CHOSE TO WITHHOLD affection from them, rather than recognize that their other actions had caused their mate to lose interest or desire for them as an entirely natural CONSEQUENCE of their own choices.

The example of robbing a convenience store is an excellent example to use for what I'm getting at as well, from the opposite end of things.
When someone commits a robbery and is caught, the PUNISHMENT they suffer is NOT a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of their actions. It is a manufactured consequence.

Again, it's important to recognize the difference. A natural consequence can't be blamed legitimately on anyone. An artificial punishment can. But many people try to MANIPULATE others, by pretending that consequences ARE punishments, and thereby trick someone into artificially impeding their own emotional well being.

Like if you touch a red hot chunk of metal, getting burned is a natural consequence but if someone burns you with a red hot chunk of metal on purpose, punching them in the face is a manufactured consequence?

Aside from the unconscious reflexes like heartbeat and knee jerk everything in life is a choice.
You can choose to stop breathing but as soon as you pass out, you start breathing again.

Choices are not grandiose.
Everything is a choice, even if you think you have no choice.
The choices may be detrimental to your perceived agenda but there is always a choice. You just may not like the consequences.

Even if someone holds a gun to your head and tells you to raise your hands or die, you have a choice not to raise your hands.

This supports the truth that klc is saying.

What someone does to you is your choice in how you handle it.
When you allow the actions of others to interrupt your calm you are making a choice to give that person power over your emotional state.

Consequences of my broken marriage? Anxiety.

Punishment? Lies being spread about me, because of spite. Ah well, I just hope, justice will be done in my name.

Yes. A consequence is something that happens directly because of an action taken. Perhaps I should emphasize NATURAL consequence.


In the same way, if robbing a convenience store CAUSED a person to be in jail, it wouldn't happen more than once in each criminal's life.

The reason why it's important to be clear about the difference, relates to the importance of knowing who is responsible for what, and who is NOT responsible for what.

Just to be clear, I am NOT saying that "consequences are good and punishments are bad," or vice versa. I'm saying that getting them MIXED UP is bad for the person who mixes them up, and sometimes for the rest of us as well.

On a larger scale, when there is civil unrest of some sort, the actions of the government to deal with it are not NATURAL CONSEQUENCES, they are MANUFACTURED PUNISHMENTS.

Oppression is not a CONSEQUENCE to be accepted. It is a PUNISHMENT to be opposed.

I think it is common for people in heartbreak to perceive punishments from animosity and resentment.
They seem to enter into a state of negative thinking because they perceive the consequences of the heartbreak as negative.

Its that negative state of mind that makes normally mundane things look like punishments and consequences.
It appears the person that wronged you is continuing to wrong you because you are concentrating on only the negative, personal attack aspect.

Also, lets not forget that sometimes people do punish others that have wronged them.
They do set things in motion to exact revenge on the one they think harmed them.
There is a difference between wishing someone is punished and actually punishing them.

In most cases, people know when they hurt others.
Regret also drives negative thinking which can lead to self-punishment.
It lowers self-esteem and subconsciously sets the 'self' up for failure.
People will often say one thing and feel something else.
They can say "I forgive you" and inside they really don't.
They can say "I'm sorry I hurt you" and inside they are not.

In life, sometimes good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.
If you are focused on the negative, its easier to see the bad things happening to the one you resent.
Its also easy to think that the bad things that happen to you are a consequence of active punishment.

Perception that is not based in reality is called delusion.
I don't know the formula, step by step, that is needed to find inner peace but I do know there are fundamental steps that must be made.
Self-honesty, remove delusions, switch to positive thinking, let go of resentment and regret.

When we realize bad things also build wisdom, we grow as persons.
If we learn wisdom, bad things usually don't repeat.
If someone is constantly being hurt by others, they are obviously not gaining the wisdom they should.