1) The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how
to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
_____________________________________________________
2) It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep
when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says,
"Hello? What? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?"
promptly slamming the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was
that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know
if the coast was clear."
_____________________________________________________
3) The Sinner - This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I
had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "what do you mean 'almost'?"

The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in
the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says "I saw
that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and thats the same as putting it in!!"

A man goes into a bar and asked the bartender to set up 10 shots of rye
as fast as the bartender sets down the drinks, the man begins belting
them down, after the 4th drink, the bartender gets worried the man
might get sick, but the man remarks, "I'm 47 years of age, and I just
had my first blow job", "Well congrats, here have one on the house", the bartender said as he layed another shot down, but the man just said, "Thanks, but no thanks, if the first 10 don't kill the taste nothing will".

Thanks Maybwecan!

Why men are not secretaries....


Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is
normal."

More from the Mayb joke du jour vault...

Some UNIVERSAL LAWS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Rudin's Law *
In a crisis that forces a choice to
be made among alternative
courses of action, most people
will choose the worst possible
one.


* Chisholm's Law *
Anytime things appear to be
going better, you have obviously
overlooked something.


* Livingston's rule of accuracy *
When working toward the
solution of a problem, it helps if
you know the answer. Corollary:
Provided, of course, you know
there is a problem.


* Weller's Law *
Nothing is impossible for the
man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
Kitchen Plaques We'd Like to See
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash
and gives the impression he just cleaned the
whole house.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen... And this
kitchen is delirious!

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!

Housework done properly can kill you.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and
cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just
vending machines.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Great jokes

Some of that Laws are completely true

Aloha Folks...

I am glad you enjoy these...here's one more...

>>> There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
>about
>>> the
>>> amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains
>>> quiet.
>>>
>>> After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
>"Well,
>>> what
>>> about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
>>>
>>> The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
>>> to me on her hands and knees."
>>>
>>> The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
>>> asked.
>>>
>>> The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
>>> "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

^^^^


Aloha Mayb and thanks, all your posts here are great

ok...buckle up...just a few more...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to
come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the
manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
Place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It
breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's
all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."


---------------------------------------------------

and one more...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the
minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved
to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it
comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in
the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She
made me a much better offer.

some of these really made me LOL
Good ones, mayb

OK...enjoy...

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we
won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand,

I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."
.
.
.
.

(if you don't get it, read the second to the last line again)

Some rules to remember when dieting...

1. If you eat something and no one sees it, it has no calories

2. If you drink diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER, counts such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone around you, then you look thinner

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage

8. Things licked from knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae

9. Foods that have the same color have the same amount of calories.
Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white
chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color