oh lemme think about this one..
when I was a little chubby curly haired girl
with a pouty mouth and big brown eyes
I was so quiet and shy I would hid behind my mother
or my brother..had to be coaxed out and encouraged to speak
one harsh word would send me fleeing to safety of my room in tears
there I would retreat into the world of my imagination
or into the pages of a book
my mother would have to holler at me as a kid
to put the books down and go out and play
as I got older I would often times come to her
in indignation and outright anger
when people did not act or behave in the way I thought they should
when the world did not measure up once again
to this ideal vision I carried in my head
I was often times, hurt and disappointed
in my twenties I held myself up to a pretty high standard
and was fairly judgemental to any that did not measure up
I considered myself strong if I did not show emotion
and others weak that did
I had the inability to understand human fraility
I had placed the people I loved on a pedastool
with a child's vision of who it is they were supposed to be
infallible, strong, pure, steadfast
so when I observed that they were not actually any of these
but were in fact human beings
well it was a bitter pill to swallow
at that age when I thought I knew all the answers
so I thought it my duty to fix those I felt were broken
to right the wrongs of the world
to lead by example of what a good daughter, sister, aunt, wife
and mother is supposed to be
to place myself up on that pedastool
a shining example of perfection only I was not perfect
and could not figure out why I was often times unhappy
all thru my thirties I grappled with myself
trying to convince myself that my own feelings and identity were not
as important as the family unit
put my own needs on the back burner
sarcrificed for the good of the whole
convincing myself that is was the right decision to make
and every year feeling just a little more trapped and miserable in my own life.
convincing myself that if I just tried harder it would all be alright..

I think about those times sometimes
when I feel the need to trace exactly how I got from there to here
where I stand today
how I had to truly face my own feelings and make some hard decisions along the way
but that too has become a part of who I am
I am much more compassio nate now then I used to be
more understanding of loss and for what it takes to walk away
from something you know is not working no matter the amount of work
you put into it
but I understand now..that I can see human suffering and pain
and yet know it is not my job to fix this person
I cannot make the changes in this person's life
that I can easily see would make their life more positive
if asked for advice I can give it without the expectation it will be followed
but with the understanding that it is only by choice that changes will be made

Religion is where I've drastically changed over the last 15 years. Being that I was raised with a Lutheran Church up bringing. Being forced to go to Sunday school and worship services. By the time of my confirmation, I had already been reading the Satanic Bible. Learning of the different religions in the world, and therefore showing me, that "The Holy Bible", is not the learn all and know that majority of Christian Church paritioners would like you to believe.

Later after graduation from High school, going to college. I ended up going to a "supposed" non-denominational Christian College which in reality was "Baptist" denomination. I had to take courses going over "The Holy Bible", reading from both the King James version and the New International Version. With that course study, I found some of the hypocritical things that we're,(people of the faith) are supposed to believe in as "Christians". I'm not a hypocrite, so I couldn't allow myself to be considered a "Christian" anymore. Which is why I don't believe in Organized Religion anymore.

I do have a belief in a Higher Power, (such as God), just not exactly the way it's described in the "Bible", "Koran", or according to Polytheistic belief's.
This way I can be a sinner, or a saint, or just know that somehow my means are justified in how I believe.

With that said, I still have respect for others beliefs, and religion. That has not changed.

Politically, there hasn't been any changes. I'm still a Libertarian with slightly conservative views.

yes, radical change over the last decade, I had been a Muslim for almost 25 years (which included a full practice of the religion: praying, fasting, going to the mosque...etc) before I started a long process of thinking, criticising and reading that helped me to have a new, objective look at religions in general and Islam in particular, the whole process was difficult due to the conservative nature of the Middle Eastern community that prevents and criminalizes any criticising of religions (in this case Islam)... but I could at the end set my mind free and become an Atheist.
That was reflected in social changes in my life as well, many relatives and friends didn't accept my views and ceased communications with me.

I am annoyingly similar to how I have always been. Maybe a little more conservative and understanding with age, and not as judgmental on either side of any fence.

I have always had the ability to see all side of things...even with strongly held positions [political, social, etc]. I have a better understanding of that ability now and appreciate it. Whereas when I was younger I thought myself as wishy washy and did not like that aspect of me. It turns out that I am not wishy washy and I am glad of that realization.

reading the Satanic Bible

So, I'm reading some of the changes people have made in their religious beliefs and it got me thinking of something I had a lot of conflict with while I was a devote Christian.


as a Christian, highlights that conflict.

See, as far as I understand, all religions have taboo subjects that they warn us not to embrace. The problem is that they try to cover all aspects of life in a black and white assessment (heavy on the white).

Satan is just as much a part of Christianity as Jesus Christ. We are told to understand and worship Christ but not Satan. If we attempt to understand Satan we are cast away.

Religion is one-sided and nothing more than an attempt to control by promise of rewards or punishment.

As society's intelligence level increases and reality becomes clearer, personal wisdom also increases. More and more people begin to think independent of institutions like religions. The delusions we were taught only worked until they were lifted by reason. Loss of religion is a product of our societal and personal understanding of the world around us.

We often go thru inner turmoil at this enlightenment. We suspect the Universe exists from some divine order but religion doesn't quite fit. Our inability to reconcile it leaves us feeling empty inside. This all manifests as stress and anxiety,

I found my inner peace by realizing that I am the Universe and the Universe is me. It doesn't matter what made me or why.
I have a signature based on cosmologist Carl Sagan that reminds me of this.
It says:
"We are the Universe trying to figure itself out"

I am rather suprised to discover that my religious and poliyicsl beliefs have remained more or less the same for the last 25 years But my perception of relationships and my identity has evolved ALOT!