Topic: Needing Feedback On My Poem | |
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I know the Common Symptoms of our Consequences or where Drama Sends Us thats why i try to Find An Emblem that will Bind Our Missions but you Lie To Listen which replys your mind is a Sign Of Wisdom and i dont Mind To Mention one of My Intentions, its to Save A Girl who Hates The World but still walked By And Missed It RyaN |
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its good
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Lines 5 and 6 hurt the poem.
One, they scan poorly. You have a strong cadence going throughout the rest of the poem that breaks down there. (Congratulations for that, by the way. Many free-verse poets have very poor cadence.) Two, the words themselves distract from the poem. "but you Lie to Listen" is a somewhat awkward construction. My first impression of the word "Lie" was that you meant to tell a falsehood, which makes this line gibberish. I realized then that it could mean "Lie down." If that's what you actually mean, then putting "down" in there would actually improve both the scansion and the comprehensibility. Line 6 is worse in both regards. It is three or four syllables too long to scan properly and "replies" simply never fits the way that you've used it. If "your mind is a Sign of Wisdom" is the important thought in this line, then just cut "which replies" altogether. Again, this would improve both the scansion and the comprehensibility. |
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