When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.


Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!


When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!


Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.


When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.


Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.


Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.


Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.


Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.


Don't forget rule NO. 8


After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.


When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.


When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.


If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

lol, i do this stuff to piss people off, i'm soooooo bad

lol so have I expecially when there in a hurry and being rude.

I have learned that the "Express lane" is actually the slowest lane in the store. I have also figured out why. Because they put their least experienced and slowest cashiers in the express lane to train them how to be cashiers. Grocery stores use the term "express lane" to sucker you in to helping train their newest cashier. They should be required by law to hang up a sign disclaimer that states "Cashier in Training." At least then you would have the choice between filing in behind the lady with two full shopping carts of groceries and seven kids, and the Cashier-in-Training.

These are the same Cashiers that give you that "deer-in-the-headlights" blank stare when you tell them "you'll have to punch the numbers in on my bank debit card because the magnetic strip is wore off." Of course this does "compute" in their brain because it entails doing an action that requires more training. Sometimes using your debit card at the express lane can be slower than writing a check. This matter is the equivalent of choosing an item that won't scan, causing the cashier to pick up the pager phone and ask for "a price check on the Express Lane."

Usually when the cashier has to call for a price check, you will hear a collected "moooooooan" from the entire line of customers. Calling for a price check means that some employee has to return to the Express Lane from somewhere out in the store, then locate where the item was in the store, then identify the price, then walk all the way back up to the Express Lane to state the price to the cashier, who may or may not know how to enter in an individual price on said item. If the cashier is buck-cherry-new, then chances are she will then have to call a manager over to show her how to enter in an item without scanning. Price checks are the single most popular reason for hold-up times in the Express Lane.

Has anybody else ever noticed that they put the drink cooler at the end of the Express Lane line? Also, they stock extra magazines and candy choices there. The reason is, because since the Express Lane is actually the SLOWEST lane in the entire store, the retailing trick is that the customer will have more time to browse the drink cooler, magazine selections, and candy choices while they wait on the new cashier-in-training to call in price checks and supervisory aid. The Express Lane is actually the best money maker in this regard. Some stores make sure and tempt the customers with a DVD rack in the Express Lane, as well as a wire bin full of either toys or some item that is not selling very well out on the floor. This way, customers have the opportunity to view the slow-moving item once more while they stand in line in the very slow moving Express lane. Its also a trick to get parents to buy some silly worthless grocery store toy that their child begs for while standing in line with their mom or dad who is waiting for the cashier to call for price checks or page for supervisory assistance.

Some stores are replacing the Express Lane with computerized "self-serve" scanning modules. Usually, they hire one employee to monitor 4 or more self-serve checkout stations. Beware, the store may post savory rotisserie chicken packages near the -U-Scan-It stations. While you are standing there listening to the computer tell each customer "please place the item... in the bag" you will be tempted by the rotisserie chicken on display at the end of the self-serve checkouts.

You might want to consider washing your hands immediately after using the self-serve touch screen. You might know where your hands have been, but you never know where the previous person's hands were just prior to using the same touch screen. Sort of the same reason why you never want to put folding money in your mouth.

Typically, they expect that any customer that uses the self-serve check out system is going to have just a few items and they will just "breeze through" the self-serve lane.

Not me.

I'm tired of grocery store baggers smashing my tomatoes and mangling my bread, so I pull right on up to the self-serve aisle with a complete cart FULL of groceries. I mean the cart is so dang full that last box of Milk Duds keeps sliding off the top. Yes indeed. I have actually done this. You get to ring up every item, and boy does it tick off the folks behind you who only have three or four items. It's great fun. You get to bag all your own stuff just the way you like it, and your bread and tomatoes will remain safe. I have actually used up all of the bag placement positions in the self-bagger carousel to the point that I had to start stacking items on top of items. Its amazing, but this doesn't throw off the scale system the computer uses when it demands over and over again that you "Please place the item... in the bag." I kinda like that voice, so I play a game once in a while, and make sure to hesitate for a few seconds after scanning something so that the computer voice has something to do. In turn, if you wait long enough, the cashier in charge of the self-serve section will try to get your attention by telling you "Sir, you have to put the item on the carousel." In turn, as I play my game, I give the cashier a "deer-in-the-headlights" stare and then inadvertently slip the item in a bag on the carousel.

This of course gives the cashier something to do as he or she stands there bored out of their minds watching people use a computerized self-serve check-out system. Sometimes I help out their monotony by asking them for change for a five dollar bill as I am wheeling my cart full of groceries past them. I always leave lot's of time to visit the grocery store because it is such an entertaining process these days.

And don't you just love it when you're standing in the check-out aisle and somebody asks the cashier to find them a special kind of carton of cigarettes? I have been in line and witnessed the cashier bring the wrong type of smokes, then have to return to the cigarette lock-down for a different type of smokes, only to find out even the second type of smokes wasn't exactly what the shopper wanted to buy. This is always a joy in the Express Lane when they have a new hire trainee cashier on duty. It most certainly will become the equivalent of a price check and a reason for the cashier to page for manager assistance. The difference being that someone waiting in the line might just mutter "what the hell difference does it make" as they grow inpatient waiting for the customer's specific odd-ball brand of cigarettes to be located. My favorite occurrence in this aspect has been when the cashier has returned more than twice, and it is determined the store doesn't carry "Misty 120s menthol ultra lights" or some such specific item. Depending on the shopper's last drag of nicotine, this may or may not be a pleasant time for the cashier.

While standing in any of these lines my mind often wanders into a daydream about standing in line at an agricultural fair waiting to ride on some amusement ride. If the line gets really slow, its always fun to let out a very low and indistinguishable "moooooooo" which usually makes others in the same line break in to laughter. Sometimes it even creates several people all "mooing" like cows at the same time in the same line. Depending on how long the cashier makes everyone wait, we might even hear someone issue a "baa-a-a-a-ah" that sounds like a sheep. Its fun to mimic barnyard animals when standing in line. If the other shoppers are creative and witty they will get it, that its as if having to stand in line equates having to revert to some mindless act the equivalent of some barnyard animal being rounded up or corralled into some section of the farm. The connection being, that as the customer "moo's" they are thus making fun of the mindless activity in which the store has now thrust them toward, namely waiting in line for seemingly no dang good reason.

I truly enjoy the grocery store. I especially love the toy they give you to push around the store to help you with shopping. Shopping carts can be great fun if you know how to use them. There is generally a bar down near the floor you can put your foot on, and if you have an open aisle in front of you, you can put one foot up on that bar, then pedal the other foot on the floor like you are about to ride a skate board. Then, as you get up to speed, you can jump up on the back of the cart and speed down the aisle. If you're really bored, and you are shopping with somebody, you can even have the other person climb up into the shopping cart as you repeat the same procedure listed above. This is an especially fun way to entertain your children that you bring with you to the store. Except that kids want to continue going for rides even after you start adding items to the cart, so it might be a good word of warning to avoid too much cart play if your child is susceptible to fits and tantrums when they don't get their own way, or, say, you have to stop playing "Roller Cart Parent" and get down to some serious shopping.

In case you have never been educated in child/shopper etiquettes, Miss Manners states that it is bad manners to drag a screaming, tantrum-filled child all over the grocery store. Its the best idea (according to Miss Manners) to avoid the toy aisle and the candy aisle. In another research project child shopper tantrums were compared to feeding your dog scraps of food at the table. If you want a pet that never begs at the table, then you never feed the pet table scraps while you are sitting at the table. As the dog matures, it then does not relate food and treats with your activity of sitting at the table. My 12 year old lab mix mutt has never once came to the table to beg for scraps, because I have never fed her scraps from the table. Children, in this study, can be taught in a similar fashion. If the parent never buys them candy or toys at the grocery store (or any other retail store) the child is much less likely to beg for these items while shopping. I don't think it takes a child psychologist session to point this out.

Its never ever EVER a good idea to leave your kid(s) in a parked car, no matter how embarrassed or pissed off you are at them. In the winter they can freeze, and in the summer they can bake, so you need to take this in to consideration before leaving the house with several children in tow on the way to the grocery store. Then, you need to start out when each child is young and train them well by NOT buying candy and toys while they are standing right there next to you in the same grocery store you go to every week. Kids learn fast how to identify candy and toys, much like begging dogs learn how to bother your ankles while you are trying to sit down to a good meal. Saying a stern "NO" to your pet might result in an untimely piddle spot on the carpet, whereas telling your child "NO" openly in a public grocery store will turn on the "scream and holler" switch inside the kid, thus disturbing all of the other shoppers within a 5 or 6 aisle radius of the kid throwing the tantrum. There will be a temptation to take the kid to the car and lock him or her inside, but that is never a good idea (as stated above.) The best plan of action is to train the little rug rat by NOT buying him or her toys and candy at the grocery store. This is where YOU as a parent become responsible for this child's ability to throw tantrums and screaming fits while shopping at the grocery store.

Meanwhile, the other shoppers can go back to riding their shopping carts like skate boards, with peace of mind, and not getting dragged into the DRAMA of some parent who has NOT trained their kid properly, who is now allowing their little brat to disturb the entire shopping experience of the entire store by begging for toys and candy. The responsibility lies in the parent who spoils their kid rotten, much like a pet owner who spoils their pet rotten by handing them scraps of food at the table during dinner time. This is especially disturbing to dinner guests who might not appreciate Fido copping a squat next to their chair and begging for scraps from the stranger who has no idea what they want. Nothing like a nasty, filthy, ass-licking dog at your feet while you're trying to eat a delicious meal. Nastiness being especially dependent on the pet owner's ability to give the dog a bath or not to give the dog a bath. At least in the grocery store most people don't have to get within 2 feet of the kid-in-tow. If you are already seated in a chair at the dining room table, and the dog approaches, you have no escape. Its easy to escape a screaming, tantrum-throwing kid at the grocery store... you just wheel your cart in the exact opposite direction that the parent is shopping. Some kids have very good lungs, though, and you can hear them from the complete opposite side of the store. Dogs can be shut in the bedroom at meal times. This is a nice way to be considerate of your dinner guests. Kids, on the other hand, are an all together more lengthy problem, but can be handled by several good measures. One of which could possibly be referred to as "good parenting..." ... learning to NOT buy your kids candy and toys at the grocery store is a great step forward, but its a practice you have to follow through with in all other retail stores, so it takes being an attentive parent.

Meanwhile, I still tend to ride around on my grocery cart like it is a skate board even after leaving the self-serve checkout and entering the parking lot. The grocery store has to be the funnest place on Earth, because they even pave hundreds of square yards of land just so you can ride around on the shopping cart even after you leave the store, and push your groceries out to your car.

What a remarkable invention... the grocery store...

I knew there were a group of people out there teaching everybody to do this suff. Thanx guys!! Its really sad but everything you guys have said is true. I work at Wal-mart and I see this everyday. Give a girl a break, don't teach EVERYONE this. PLEASE!!! LOL

At Wal-Mart I try to sneak out of the electronics section with electronics even though they tell me I'm supposed to pay for them in the electronics section... I'm so bad...

LOL

TelephoneMan, at the Wal-mart I work for, they have a security guard in electronics and anything you want has to be brought up to the registers for you. ( I work third shift, so there is alot of stealing). Oh and they have the whole area roped off except on entance and exit.

oh man,i've been a cashier before and crap like that always pissed me off!

Geezee Phoneman, you really got into this one!

well, I been lookin' fer a topic where's I could jus' let 'er rip... LOL

Just trying to increase my posting count... LOL

"I have learned that the "Express lane" is actually the slowest lane in the store. I have also figured out why. Because they put their least experienced and slowest cashiers in the express lane to train them how to be cashiers. Grocery stores use the term "express lane" to sucker you in to helping train their newest cashier. They should be required by law to hang up a sign disclaimer that states "Cashier in Training." At least then you would have the choice between filing in behind the lady with two full shopping carts of groceries and seven kids, and the Cashier-in-Training. "



no the Express Lane is the slowest because everyone gets into that lane thinking they'll get out faster but they actually slow it down.I cashiered at Wal-Mart and i didn't get trained at the express lane,instead they stuck me in the 4th lane (with was the busiest one)to see how fast i was and how i could handle pressure.i was one of the top cashiers because i could keep my cool no matter how bad i wanted to grab a customer and slam their head into the cash register!

I used to work as a cashier in a grocery store. It is a job for which I was somewhat overqualified. At the very least, I was far too enthusiastic. On more than one occasion, when I was the closing cashier, if an item failed to scan, I would lock the register, grab the item, and take off at a sprint to do my own price check.