DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

* 40-ish..................................49.

* Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

* Athletic................................No breasts.

* Average looking.....................Moooo.

* Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

* Emotionally Secure..................On medication.

* Feminist...............................Fat.

* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.

* Friendship first.......................Former Slut.

* New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places.

* Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s

* Open-minded.........................Desperate.

* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

* Professional...........................*****.

* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

* Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

* Lovable................................Bring a beer.

*Sexy ................................Bring lots of beer.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

* Yes.....................................No

* No.....................................Yes

* Maybe.................................No

* We need...............................I want

* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry

* We need to talk.......................You're in trouble

* Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

* I am hungry...........................I am hungry

* I am sleepy............................I am sleepy

* I am tired.............................I am tired

* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!

* I love you..............................Let's have sex now

* I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you..

* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.