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| Topic: Start a relationship with a white lie | |
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Edited by
Ruth34611
on
Wed 07/27/16 05:22 PM
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One thing that catches my attention, now that we have the actual story, is that it took this guy a FULL YEAR OF DATING to trust that the woman wasn't a gold digger. I can understand going a few dates with someone without letting on that you are well off and worried. But I know that if a woman were to lead me on for a YEAR, pretending to be on my own low wealth level, and then spring it on me that she was really rich (or in a rich family), and that she'd been faking who she really was THE WHOLE TIME, I would hit the streets for sure, and not look back. I've had my experiences with people who think that it's their prerogative to shape MY thinking about them, and all those experiences have been negative. Especially the ones where I stayed around and tried to keep going. For sure discourage suicide, but I would suspect that claiming to be that upset about it just shows your friend needs a lot of therapy, just to figure out where his own head is really at, before he EVER tries to find a mate through stealth. His problem is NOT, as he thinks, that the world is full of gold-digging women, his problem is that he sees the world as a place where he has to play games and manipulate people in order to get what he wants. THAT is what is driving the woman away from him. Another very well put post. I completely agree. |
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One thing that catches my attention, now that we have the actual story, is that it took this guy a FULL YEAR OF DATING to trust that the woman wasn't a gold digger. I can understand going a few dates with someone without letting on that you are well off and worried. But I know that if a woman were to lead me on for a YEAR, pretending to be on my own low wealth level, and then spring it on me that she was really rich (or in a rich family), and that she'd been faking who she really was THE WHOLE TIME, I would hit the streets for sure, and not look back. I've had my experiences with people who think that it's their prerogative to shape MY thinking about them, and all those experiences have been negative. Especially the ones where I stayed around and tried to keep going. For sure discourage suicide, but I would suspect that claiming to be that upset about it just shows your friend needs a lot of therapy, just to figure out where his own head is really at, before he EVER tries to find a mate through stealth. His problem is NOT, as he thinks, that the world is full of gold-digging women, his problem is that he sees the world as a place where he has to play games and manipulate people in order to get what he wants. THAT is what is driving the woman away from him. I believe it is not wrong when a guy is only searching for a girl to love him in his low wealth level. In the world today you cannot fully trust anyone but still in your heart you hope to find the right one to love. He didn't play a game or manipulate people, I am sure he did love the girl sincerely , well, not honestly of course by denying the girl a right to know the real him. But he did not do it for an unreasonable cause, he did it to find someone who would be willing to accept whatever or whoever he is. If he manipulated to get what he wanted, he could have just flaunt his money to attract a woman, but he did not. If the girl truly loved him and have an open mind and heart to understand his fears why he kept his real identity a secret, she should have forgiven him and feel fortunate that the guy has chosen her as the right girl for him. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 07/28/16 07:52 AM
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Wow Jimmy ...
When I first commented in this thread, I hadnt yet read the full backstory. My first response was specifically related to white lies in general, and the assessment lens or guage one uses when viewing such a lie.But now that I know the full story, I don't think a white lie would require a years worth of complementary lies to sustain an alternate identity . While I believe your friend isnt a bad guy, dont you think it takes a kind of pathological mindset to enable someone to fabricate the amount of lies and theatrics it takes to sustain an alternate identity for a YEAR? ?? Lies ranging from his daily whereabouts, to the activities he had that day to the people he interacted with daily at work etc. ( because women tend to ask their mates a lot of little questions about their day. ) And then he planned to propose to her and extend a permanent invitation to stage crafted life??? And now he is on suicide watch? Take the relationship out of the equation Jimmy. The actions you described make your friend sound mentally unbalanced. If I were his gf , and I could somehow get past the shock, hurt and fear of his mental state, I would only give him a second chance on the condition that we both enlisted the help of a counsellor for a year , and even then I would still lack some confidence in his mental stability. And I would also be hurt that he doubted the integity of my love for an entire year after giving my love purely, authentically and unconditionally for that long. I get that he is your friend and that he is probably a good guy but as a friend , it woild be great if you could tactfully suggest that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. |
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I get that he is your friend and that he is probably a good guy but as a friend , it woild be great if you could tactfully suggest that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. Ditto. |
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hi
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Well I don't know what was running in his head but he is a good guy and very descent person. Not sure about you guys but even if I was in his place it would be hard for me to tell her the true because of the fear of losing her. Anyway he told me that he was going to tell her about himself when he propose her but before that she came to know about him. Poor guy took too much time to tell her the truth but he loves her alot so only I decided to help him.
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Lying out of a fear of losing someone is a form of manipulation. It's selfish and shows a lack of character.
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Wow Jimmy ... When I first commented in this thread, I hadnt yet read the full backstory. My first response was specifically related to white lies in general, and the assessment lens or guage one uses when viewing such a lie.But now that I know the full story, I don't think a white lie would require a years worth of complementary lies to sustain an alternate identity . While I believe your friend isnt a bad guy, dont you think it takes a kind of pathological mindset to enable someone to fabricate the amount of lies and theatrics it takes to sustain an alternate identity for a YEAR? ?? Lies ranging from his daily whereabouts, to the activities he had that day to the people he interacted with daily at work etc. ( because women tend to ask their mates a lot of little questions about their day. ) And then he planned to propose to her and extend a permanent invitation to stage crafted life??? And now he is on suicide watch? Take the relationship out of the equation Jimmy. The actions you described make your friend sound mentally unbalanced. If I were his gf , and I could somehow get past the shock, hurt and fear of his mental state, I would only give him a second chance on the condition that we both enlisted the help of a counsellor for a year , and even then I would still lack some confidence in his mental stability. And I would also be hurt that he doubted the integity of my love for an entire year after giving my love purely, authentically and unconditionally for that long. I get that he is your friend and that he is probably a good guy but as a friend , it woild be great if you could tactfully suggest that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. No peggy, he is very stable mentally and a good person too. He just came out of a relationship with a gold digger so only he had that approach with her. If you try to see from his view, you can see how much effort he would have put to keep her with him, it may sound cunning or lying but he loves her like crazy and the suicide threat is because of that only. I hope you can understand the situation. He was going to tell her the truth when he proposed her but she came to know the truth from somewhere else. Not sure why he didn't tell her before but what is done is done now, it is time to help him. |
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Lying out of a fear of losing someone is a form of manipulation. It's selfish and shows a lack of character. I know but it happens based on situation like we sometimes lie to our parents too in certain situation but that doesn't mean we are selfish or lack character right? |
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Lying out of a fear of losing someone is a form of manipulation. It's selfish and shows a lack of character. I know but it happens based on situation like we sometimes lie to our parents too in certain situation but that doesn't mean we are selfish or lack character right? You are comparing apples to oranges. |
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Wow Jimmy ... When I first commented in this thread, I hadnt yet read the full backstory. My first response was specifically related to white lies in general, and the assessment lens or guage one uses when viewing such a lie.But now that I know the full story, I don't think a white lie would require a years worth of complementary lies to sustain an alternate identity . While I believe your friend isnt a bad guy, dont you think it takes a kind of pathological mindset to enable someone to fabricate the amount of lies and theatrics it takes to sustain an alternate identity for a YEAR? ?? Lies ranging from his daily whereabouts, to the activities he had that day to the people he interacted with daily at work etc. ( because women tend to ask their mates a lot of little questions about their day. ) And then he planned to propose to her and extend a permanent invitation to stage crafted life??? And now he is on suicide watch? Take the relationship out of the equation Jimmy. The actions you described make your friend sound mentally unbalanced. If I were his gf , and I could somehow get past the shock, hurt and fear of his mental state, I would only give him a second chance on the condition that we both enlisted the help of a counsellor for a year , and even then I would still lack some confidence in his mental stability. And I would also be hurt that he doubted the integity of my love for an entire year after giving my love purely, authentically and unconditionally for that long. I get that he is your friend and that he is probably a good guy but as a friend , it woild be great if you could tactfully suggest that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. No peggy, he is very stable mentally and a good person too. He just came out of a relationship with a gold digger so only he had that approach with her. If you try to see from his view, you can see how much effort he would have put to keep her with him, it may sound cunning or lying but he loves her like crazy and the suicide threat is because of that only. I hope you can understand the situation. He was going to tell her the truth when he proposed her but she came to know the truth from somewhere else. Not sure why he didn't tell her before but what is done is done now, it is time to help him. No, it's time to let him suffer the consequences of his actions so he can learn from them. |
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Lying out of a fear of losing someone is a form of manipulation. It's selfish and shows a lack of character. I know but it happens based on situation like we sometimes lie to our parents too in certain situation but that doesn't mean we are selfish or lack character right? You are comparing apples to oranges. Well may be..but I feel his mistake was to take so much time to tell her about the truth. And I know him, he is a very good and descent guy 
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No, it's time to let him suffer the consequences of his actions so he can learn from them. Poor guy, lets try to help him. He already suffered enough, not able to talk to someone you love is a big punishment. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 07/28/16 12:54 PM
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 07/28/16 01:01 PM
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Wow Jimmy ... When I first commented in this thread, I hadnt yet read the full backstory. My first response was specifically related to white lies in general, and the assessment lens or guage one uses when viewing such a lie.But now that I know the full story, I don't think a white lie would require a years worth of complementary lies to sustain an alternate identity . While I believe your friend isnt a bad guy, dont you think it takes a kind of pathological mindset to enable someone to fabricate the amount of lies and theatrics it takes to sustain an alternate identity for a YEAR? ?? Lies ranging from his daily whereabouts, to the activities he had that day to the people he interacted with daily at work etc. ( because women tend to ask their mates a lot of little questions about their day. ) And then he planned to propose to her and extend a permanent invitation to stage crafted life??? And now he is on suicide watch? Take the relationship out of the equation Jimmy. The actions you described make your friend sound mentally unbalanced. If I were his gf , and I could somehow get past the shock, hurt and fear of his mental state, I would only give him a second chance on the condition that we both enlisted the help of a counsellor for a year , and even then I would still lack some confidence in his mental stability. And I would also be hurt that he doubted the integity of my love for an entire year after giving my love purely, authentically and unconditionally for that long. I get that he is your friend and that he is probably a good guy but as a friend , it woild be great if you could tactfully suggest that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. No peggy, he is very stable mentally and a good person too. He just came out of a relationship with a gold digger so only he had that approach with her. If you try to see from his view, you can see how much effort he would have put to keep her with him, it may sound cunning or lying but he loves her like crazy and the suicide threat is because of that only. I hope you can understand the situation. He was going to tell her the truth when he proposed her but she came to know the truth from somewhere else. Not sure why he didn't tell her before but what is done is done now, it is time to help him. Your heart is consistently in the right place Jimmy and clearly you are loyal to your friend and that's admirable 
But Im not sure if you are looking at your friends actions objectively. Even though his character and intentions are good, and his love is sincere and the trauma he experienced was a legitimate trigger for his extreme behaviour, the end result is that his present mental state, and over the last year, has been alarmingly UNBALANCED. Fabricating and actively sustaining an alternate identity for a year, no matter how traumatic the trigger for that behaviour ,is NOT NORMAL. Being on a suicide watch after a break up is NOT NORMAL. You are doing a great job of being a non-judgmental and supportive friend , but that guy appears to need professional help Jimmy. Him being messed up DID NOT start with his present break up,. For him to have acted the way he did for a year, and to be presently in this suicidal state, he has been on a downward spiral for a long time now , possibly since his relationship with the gold-digging ex, and before he met this last woman he fell in love with Like I said before, maybe you can consider tactfully suggesting to him that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. |
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Your heart is consistently in the right place Jimmy and clearly you are loyal to your friend and that's admirable
But Im not sure if you are looking at your friends actions objectively. Even though his character and intentions are good, and his love is sincere and the trauma he experienced was a legitimate trigger for his extreme behaviour, the end result is that his present mental state, and over the last year, has been alarmingly UNBALANCED. Fabricating and actively sustaining an alternate identity for a year, no matter how traumatic the trigger for that behaviour ,is NOT NORMAL. Being on a suicide watch after a break up is NOT NORMAL. You are doing a great job of being a non-judgmental and supportive friend , but that guy appears to need professional help Jimmy. Him being messed up DID NOT start with his present break up,. For him to have acted the way he did for a year, and to be presently in this suicidal state, he has been on a downward spiral for a long time now , possibly since his relationship with the gold-digging ex, and before he met this last woman he fell in love with Like I said before, maybe you can consider tactfully suggesting to him that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. Living two alternative lives doesn't make a person mentally challenged and having suicidal thoughts after a love trauma or break up is a very normal thing if you love someone from your heart. I have not been in touch with him for last 10 years so not sure how he is now but he looks fine to me when I met him i.e. mentally. But still let me try to unite them and if it doesn't work then suggest him such a path. Right now going to a counsellor for help would be the last thing in his or my mind. |
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Your special!
Your the only one for me! I respect you! Some of the necessary white lies women usually want to hear and easily believe. |
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Your heart is consistently in the right place Jimmy and clearly you are loyal to your friend and that's admirable
But Im not sure if you are looking at your friends actions objectively. Even though his character and intentions are good, and his love is sincere and the trauma he experienced was a legitimate trigger for his extreme behaviour, the end result is that his present mental state, and over the last year, has been alarmingly UNBALANCED. Fabricating and actively sustaining an alternate identity for a year, no matter how traumatic the trigger for that behaviour ,is NOT NORMAL. Being on a suicide watch after a break up is NOT NORMAL. You are doing a great job of being a non-judgmental and supportive friend , but that guy appears to need professional help Jimmy. Him being messed up DID NOT start with his present break up,. For him to have acted the way he did for a year, and to be presently in this suicidal state, he has been on a downward spiral for a long time now , possibly since his relationship with the gold-digging ex, and before he met this last woman he fell in love with Like I said before, maybe you can consider tactfully suggesting to him that he talk to a counsellor to help him navigate this difficult patch in his life. Living two alternative lives doesn't make a person mentally challenged and having suicidal thoughts after a love trauma or break up is a very normal thing if you love someone from your heart. I have not been in touch with him for last 10 years so not sure how he is now but he looks fine to me when I met him i.e. mentally. But still let me try to unite them and if it doesn't work then suggest him such a path. Right now going to a counsellor for help would be the last thing in his or my mind. This is a terrible time for your friend, but a wonderful opportunity for his own personal growth if he eventually opens up himself to it and you can be very instrumental in pointing that out to him. But I do respect that he needs some time to wrap his brain around his present reality/misery. And hopefully his gf wll get all the space she needs to process her pain and confusion too. I hope everything works out for the both of them
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Your special! Your the only one for me! I respect you! Some of the necessary white lies women usually want to hear and easily believe. You say that to get laid bro but when you love, you mean and show that...believe me that is not easy |
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