This guy contacted me on a dating site. I was never really impressed with his pics. I know that sounds terrible. I wrote to him regardless and we started to exchange emails regularly. Then we started talking on the phone. This guy has been through hell in the past few years. I found him to be a very sweet and caring person. Raising 2 daughters on his own, etc. I met him for the first time yesterday. He's a good guy, but looks alot older than his age. I know I'm no beauty, but I absolutely cannot ever see myself being attracted to him. He called last nigt after our date and asked if we could go out again. I lied and said yes, because I didn't have any better excuse, other than his looks, to tell him no. I don't want to lead him on. I would like to remain friends with him, but not sure how to tell him without hurting his feelings.

say i enjoy your company and would love to keep you as a friend but i dont feel that we click that way. honest but gentle

I'd say sit with your feelings a bit. Go out a few more times. Keep it friendly and just keep getting to know him. Of course, if he makes the outing really 'date-ish', then you owe it to everyone involved to be honest and upfront about the lack of chemistry that you feel.

Good friends are priceless, but only if they start off on an honest foot!

Good luck!

Whatever you decide to do, the key point is do it FAST. Don't drag this out as it will just become more difficult. Let him know you care about him as a friend but you just want something else in a relationship.

what bay area said!

If theres no chemistry ..theres no hope ... you'd be doing him an injustice to make him think you might be interested when you already know you're not. Give the guy an honest answer..... you're just not attracted to him .... but if he would or could settle for friendship ..... you're onboard :).... good luck!

Yeah, I completely disagree that you should keep seeing him. You obviously have no interest in him romantically so why would you break his heart by continuing with him on dates? That is getting his hopes up for the big fall.

If you seriously think that there will be nothing more than friendship, break it off now so he doesn't get hurt.

I like talking on the phone with him. But feel very awkward with him in person. I wear jeans and he wears dress pants, black loafers, and socks. Feel like I'm out with my dad. Looks good on him, but not what I'm used to on guys. Feel like I'm getting myself in deeper and deeper.

dont drag him along. that'll just hurt him more. tell him what you think. that you enjoy talking to him but cant see yourself dating him

I disagree with you sincere. Sometimes chemistry can build.

Initial attraction does not tell the entire story, PLUS, she said she like him as a person. That's a bigger indication of a good relationship than just physical chemistry.

If it really seems creepy, you should just let him know.
The truth is the best way.
Just say how you feel, if he is a gentleman, he will understand.
If he isn't, you didn't want him anyway.

From what she has said, it sounds pretty clear that she has already made up her mind about this guy. Now if that is wrong, she can let us know but, if I'm right in my thinking that she has pretty much decided that she doesn't want anything but friendship, she needs to end it.

It would be a waste of his time and feelings for her to continue seeing him in the hopes that he MAY do something to turn her ideas around. There is something to be said for first impressions and from the looks of this, I would say she has already made her decision and she is looking for a way to tell him to go away nicely.

For her to continue on in the hopes that he will change would be the same as someone playing games with you and wasting your time.

I didn't see the follow up post when I posted that last one. Timing issue, I guess. You're right. She's not into him. End of story.

Be the adult about this, tell him now, because all you're doing if you continue this is going to hurt him and that's just not cool.You would expect a man to tell you up front so you should give the same respect.

I decided to have a little heart to heart. Just hope I can find gentle enough words. Thanks everyone for you advice.

Well geez (sarcastically) The guy dressed up to meet you ...shamd shame! I would so NOT let that be an issue!

Just talk to the guy and find out where his head is at. If he is physically attracted to you that could be a problem. On the other hand if he is just looking for a friend and so are you then things could be fine. Personally I could not be good friends with a women I was really attracted to. It would just be too frustrating. I could be email friends but not in person.

Well, my first question for you would be why do you think men who have been through hell are even in the remotest bit attractive? Why didn't you run like hell when he started telling you whatever "hell" story he had to spew? (“This guy has been through hell in the past few years.”) Typically, anyone who is still floundering in pain and self-pity is not strong enough to form a decent long-lasting relationship. He needs to heal, and its not your job to heal him... at all.

In my opinion, if you cared even an iota for him, even as a human being, you wouldn't lie to him and lead him on, and at the same time plot to destroy him by telling him you now only want to be friends.

If friendship or relationship wasn't determined in the first contact, or the 50th contact, why do you now consider being connected to this guy at all? I don't get it what so ever...

1) You're not attracted to him, even from the start, and even more now that you have met face to face... what the heck are you doing talking/communicating him. You are NOT a god who can heal him. That is a co-dependent person’s attitude... “I thought I could heal him.”

2) You said yourself "this guy has been through hell"... and I wonder why you ever talked to him again after he told you about hell according to his life. He evidently has you suckered in really well in order to throw self-pity darts at you, which you should NOT be allowing yourself to be hit with...

3) He obviously wants more than friendship, which you know, and yet you are still hiding your truthfulness behind lies that will only tend to lead him on. It is going to hurt him at this point, no way out. In fact, he is hurting and wounded and that is none of your doing. He MUST heal for himself. It is not your job as some kind of “demi-god” to heal him. You do NOT have that capability. However, you do have the capability of getting dragged right down into is hell-like life. Is that what you want for yourself? A really miserable and screwed up relationship based on lies and co-dependency?

BUT... his hurt is of no concern to you. You are heading straight towards an enabling co-dependent relationship and you need to get out ASAP, before YOU are hurt.

The main emphasis here isn't this guy, its you. And if you want to play games, and create chaos in your life, proceed. It is the path I see you heading toward on this one.

I would not want a spouse that would lie to me even in the least. It is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Its not the sign of love, and I wouldn’t trust a friend whop would lie to me either. What it is, is the sign of dysfunction about to rear it’s ugly head, and you might want to do a little self-examination before continuing any communication with this man, or any man of his same psychological make-up.

People can be very sweet and caring while they are on the phone, or in a chat room. You figure out why their life is hell when you live with them. By then, chances are your life is hell, too and you've stepped hip-deep into a huge amount of trouble.

Best to look in the mirror and see why you find this type interesting. You don't deserve hell, or a life of hell... and you can do better than this.

You are already telling me how much you hate him by telling me how disgusted you are at his appearance.

Wake up !!!!!!!

Let's be nice about this Telephone Man. I'd already admitted I had made my bed. It was totally wrong to lie to this man. I will be more cautious in the future about the steps I take in getting to know someone.

Dress him down!! He may be dressing like that to impress you, thinks you expect it!