Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your****

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".



A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from b*tching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You ***** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a****bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

lol

i doubt you have kept a b/f for long lol

pounding on my computer desk ROLF

BEST EVER TOPIC! Long time reader, first timer responder. As a note to some of you guys, re: number 10...this very moment might be your best! Enjoy....

too funny!!

wow! sound like the perspective of a high school girl. its no wonder she cant keep a man around!

Yeah, rules like that are silly. You can't go into a situation with a guide list - you should be more open and comfortable with your partner and yourself to deal with things as they come.

No one wants anyone to anything he or she doesn't feel comfortable with, but its a very awkward context (for me) when the whole process is spelled out like a procedure with rules and regulations.

Intimacy is about comfort and reciprocity. Its unfortunate that some of us have experiences which taint our approach and leave us jaded, but setting up explicit rules would only alienate someone like myself. I am not saying I advocate and seek any of the unwanted list items in any way, I agree with many of them. But the key is comfort, openness, and a general reciprocity where no one walks away feeling short changed or let down.

I understand this is an incredibly difficult dynamic to find or establish, so it may be somewhat unrealistic - but whatever. I just thought I'd share my opinion.

WOW! Can't we find a happy medium! And all that was funny!

I really enjoyed reading that LOL!!!!

My opinion is if you feel the way either of these people do DON'T DO IT!! If any man referred to my ":" as a dead fish he would be out and looking for that other one he said existed. sheesh

hey u forgot an important step: coecing a girl into giving a bj
step by step instructions would be greatly appreciated :)

Why is anyone serious about this when it is COMPLETELY funny?? Oh my god... give me a break. It's hilareous....This is no guide book or rule book or anything else...it's a ridiculousely funny look at something very funny and unserious.

Hey funny is funny, those taking it seriously really need to get laid.

couldn't have said it any better, Davey

Funny!!!

Whoo boy! This is hilarious! Thanks for sharing with us