Anyone here a widow/widower with small children? I have two (6, 2 1/2) How did your children do after several months, or even years without the other parent?

Kids move on pretty quick. The older one might bring their lost parent up here and there but the frequency of that decreases.

In addition to available psychological services provided by DePelchin there is a local group called parents without partners that can also help those in similar circumstance.. The local mental health centers also offer other options such as parenting classes, grief issues and others Hopefully you will avail yourself of these helpful services to best serve the children and yourself of a difficult and painful transition,,

I am a single mother by divorce and not due to loss of a partner so I have no advice to give you but that parents without partners I have heard good things about

just wanted to say
that I wish you the very best from one mama to another
and one day your children will look back as adults
and see a mom that loved them but will also see your strength

I don't have any input, but I wanted to say thanks for posting this. I was very excited to read the replies, as I am also a widow with a 7 month old son, and a 7 year old daughter (she was from my first marriage, making my late husband her stepdad). My daughter has been dealing fairly well with his passing, but I'm unsure of how and when to explain it to my son.

For someone who "lost" both parents at a very young age and had poor substitutes for years I would say it has a lot to do with how normal you allow your kids to feel about having one or both parents absent and how you parent as a solo act.

If you are a basket case they have to deal with your drama as an orphan until you get it together. That in itself creates stress every time it is and issue. So don't think the fix is one time and done. Get help and have a team to back you up.

I don't think it is one talk but and ongoing conversation that would make it much easier for them. I would not make it always on holidays or milestones in the child's life unless they express a desire to include them. Times I did times I didn't. But let it be and open subject without beating it like a bad drum solo.

If you can make at least small efforts to make the absent parent "real" to the child by allowing them at least second party knowledge of the parent; not all roses and flowers, or negative, it will help them have a more balanced identity. If you are fortunate enough to have photos of them as children, teens, and at least up until their death that the child can have access to; even privately they will have a better sense of self. If you have pictures of Uncles and Grandparents that can give them and ongoing "frame" for identity it is helpful. Positive affirmations; you have your Dad's great sense of humor; help a child feel less like they were abandoned with nothing.

I would avoid idealizing them because the older a person gets the Hero image is too hard to live up to. You kid may seem perfect to you but few people feel perfect and it is nice to have a parent to see as a real person.

If you can maintain some kind of family contact with the departed family. The reality is it is sometimes difficult and they want to move on/away especially if you later do in relationships. But realizing the child doesn't just loose the parent but the entire family of the parent is worth noting. My Aunt was never my Mother but she was often a treasured comfort as my elderly Uncle is even now. Doesn't bring back my parents but still helps.

I think realizing that another person is not a birth parent even if they are a wonderful parent. A good analogy is we have the ability to love several siblings, just as we have the ability to love several parents, but one does not replace the absence of the other; it is a separate and different bond. Not necessarily less if it grows over time just not a substitute that picks up where the other dropped off. You grieve the loss even if you are blessed with a great secondary parent.

It is particularly hard for a kid if the new relationship is forced or resented by others. Especially if the subsequent relationship is seen as a disloyalty. And siblings do not necessarily develop relationships at the same pace.

I think also acknowledging that the grief doesn't just disappear because the kid looks normal. Kids are often trying to be normal for the parent and society because they are expected to be resilient and just "get over it" better. A particularly cruel myth because you will miss and absent parent life long.

And no divorced is not the same as orphaned. It is a lot harder to deal with no parent than it is to deal with a weekend or absent parent because where do you go with the anger and sadness? Often kids that are orphaned are treated like the same baggage but resented because the divorced parent doesn't pay social security or sometimes even child support and they are more of a in life hassle. But yea it is offensive to be lumped in with the "divorced" kids ; especially when the issues are not the same.

If you loose parents to a crime it is also another way society lets you down. Even if the parent was blameless , or not, being a crime victim doesn't go away because the headlines fade. But I know few kids that want to be paraded out as the hero's survivor.

Disease is another issue because if it kills your parent what if you have to deal with it? And most kids don't need to be paraded as a champion for a "cure" weather as a kid or as and adult. If we chose to regain some power over a disease that is our choice but not our job.

I know there are a lot of other things I could say but this is enough for now.

There are groups for the Motherless, and books on the subject, but I think they are still pretty slanted towards addressing women/ daughters rather dad's/son but at least it is a starting place.

I would suggest going to grief counseling and journaling because your kids are going to turn to you and it helps if you have some references to go to for skills and conversations on how to cope.

Everyone goes through grief in different ways. And there is a lot of junk science and myths about grief. Don't take anyone's thoughts as the only gospel on the subject just because you are not sure of your own answers. Your kids may or may not turn to you but chances are when they do it will be useful to have some kind of opinion formulated as long as it is not set in stone.

Books:
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman; pub. Addison Wesley 1994

The Mourning Handbook by Helen Fitzgerald pub. Simon and Shuster 1994

My Mother Myself by Nancy Friday; pub New York Dell 1977

I remember You by Bookda Gheisar; Harper 1995

Explaining Death to Children by Earl Grollman; pub. Beacon 1995

Mother Loss Workbook by Duiana Hambrook ;pub. Harper 1997

Many of these books are available on line stores or can at very affordable prices be found at Good Will, Society for Prevention of Cruelty of Animals book sales, and Patient information libraries as well as Public libraries by requesting a free inter library loan.

Many school districts also have books for children that can be borrowed through your child's school counselor.

Many churches also have extensive libraries on grief and loss counseling for families.

Almost all Hospice programs have and extensive printed resources and book lists. And they are glad to provide materials, workshops, support groups and classes to families; usually for free.

Resources according to cause of death are also and excellent way to address specific questions and special needs.

I'm a dad raising my 7 kids alone.after17 years my x got on drugs and just left.her loss!

Thank you so much
For this. I truly appreciate your input.

Thank you.. Yes, the 6 year
Old has asked about her dad.. And she is doing very well. It's been 3 1/2 months now, and we are taking it day-by-day.

One question that may come up during the holidays is if I don't have a Daddy who will be my Santa Claus?

Kids are savy and usually figure out pretty early the correlations between traditional gender roles and may have concerns or mixed understanding of Santa. I have known of kids who have lost a parent that think Santa is and angel or may even be their parent and have nixed feelings ; even anger towards Santa the missing parent if he is there only on the "magic' moment.

It is also important to be re-address the orphan issue that gets a lot of pitty play during the holidays. Kids and even adults can be cruel so give your kids some supportive for warning and responses for these often repeated experiences.

And be sure that your "orphan" child does not get and unfair advantage in gifting that may cause resentment in siblings in "combined" where parents might exist and especially be absent. f My rule was always if everyone didn't get a similar gift then it was no go. I don't think anyone should capitalize on and orphaned status but like noses everyone has and opinion on the topic. The thing is it sets a bad prescedent and the orphan card tend to wear off as children get older.

I personally signed my children's Santa gifts from Santa and Mrs. Claus and some gifts were actually only from Mrs. Claus. I don't know if I was being overly "liberated" from the masculine type only or helped them grasp the concept that Santa wasn't the only "source"

I can offer something from the child side. my Dad died at 35, Mom was 34. there was 8 of us kids. Oldest was 15, youngest 2. I was 13

The older ones knew full well what was going on and it hurt. The ones from 2- 4 don't really remember our Dad

It was emotionally tough and hard and seemed very unfair. It was Mom we looked to for guidance and she was the "rock"

She raised all 8 of us. and we were " city kids" us boys always up to no good. Thru it all she stood firm and raised her kids.

And it was because of her determination and leadership that we all turned out just fine. As I am sure your 2 will too.

God bless you.

BTW we held a 75th birthday party for Mom in Feb. 8 kids, 19 grandkids, 11 Great grandkids and 2 Great great grandkids.. just to say .. thanks Ma!

what a photo that made :)

What an awesome legacy.
Your mum is one strong independent woman with great leadership skills.
She is am inspiration to all around her.
Thank you for sharing.
Hearing this is great encouragement for everyone.