Hello all newbie here...I'll be gentle if you will.
I'm looking for relationship advice- funnily enough.
Im widowed (5 years) and have a 9 yr old daughter.
I have met a nice girl and we've been "dating" for about 2 months now. She is divorced of two years has a 13 yr old daughter. Her Ex left for another woman.
The "Girl" is very nice and I really like her.
Heres the problem - She has, for obvious reasons, set up barriers to protect herself and gain trust for me also because her ex was a so and so who showed little affection for her she is really uncomfortable when I do. She struggles to lower her guard and finds it very difficult to show affection - especially in public, to the point that she appears almost offended if you attempt any (holding hands or peck on cheek). On top of all this she is dictated to by her ex and his new bit (as she calls her!)when they can see his daughter, this causes her a lot of pain and stress. The obvious solution is the legal approach but She is afraid of "losing" her daughter. ie She doesnt want to end up worse off. So because of his dictation it is all but impossible to plan anything too far in advance and Now before you post a reply - Two major factors to consider:
She will not discuss the barrier thing and says just give her time...which I'm more than willing to but how long?But i feel like a pa rather than a "boyfriend"....I almost feel jealous of her best friend as she opens up with her and is a different person with her!!!
The second point is for obvious reasons again, she is VERY defensive of the subject of her Daughter/ex situation so i am fearful of discussing it.i have attempted it twice - first time she bit my head off.....but apologised.....second time She broke down and asked me not to go on about it. Now I know it needs discussing in a big way but I dont want to upset her or build up the barriers again as there are chinks of light coming through it. I know the obvious - give her time to trust me and maybe now im on the scene her ex might "ease off" a bit but its real hard as Im in a relationship for a number of different things including warmth.Any suggestions would be welcomed thanks

Find out if theres a local group for recntly divorced people. If she meets with other people in her same situation and gets advice from them she may feel more confidant.

Try giving her space ,of course.Try talking with her best friend.He/she may be able to give you some ideas on how to earn her trust,and may also help get your foot in the door.Good luck.

wow----
hmmm, you have to have someone willing to meet you half way--don't you think?
i mean you can not be the only one giving in the relationship or it is already headed for doom.

here are a few thoughts why dont you get her to look at this post of yours, let her read your concerns.
also why are you asking a bunch of single people on a date site? dont you think if any of us had any idea on how to make a relationship work we would all be in a relationship and not sitting on here

OMG md! just because we are here doesn't mean we are stupid!!

This is a hard situation for you, it sounds like you should maybe tell her how you feel about her, and that you realize she has some unresolved issues that she needs to address and that you are going to step back and let her do that....she has to do this herself, you cannot help her...so leave her alone and give her the option of contacting you when she feels she is ready, and I would tell her that you are not wiliing to wait forever...set a time limit you can live with and then if that time passes with no response then, move on...hard to do I know, but it sounds like she is really hurt and may not ever be ready for a relationship.

Sorry mdl, ill have to disagree with the last part of what you said. This is more about getting to know a friend and not eveyone on this site is single. It's about sharing past experence and what might of work at far as letting a person get close to you and build that trust where it's just a friendship or a relationship.

This is somthing she will have to come to turms with herself. It's not anything anyone can or should push. Take a child for instince, you beat or mentally abuse they will close up and is harder to reach it's because they don't understand there own feelings so how can you help anyone when they don't know just yet. It's not like she is closed up though because she is talking to a friend and that is where she feels comfortable and in doing so, knowing this is a new relationship. It will take time for her to ajust and when she is ready she will let him know. Tigger let her be herself and if she feels more comfortable showing effection at home then work on that first before you take it out in public. Try working at her pace and see where it goes. This has only been two months and she may have had many years of this abuse

hey i am not calling anyone stupid.

just saying if we was all as good at the relationship thing as we think we are then there wouldnt be nearly as many people on these sites as there are.

Hi All, thanks for the clear advice thus far. mdl i see where you are coming from and you are absolutely right as regards mistakes we all make but not all of us are single by choice - I lost my last wife to breast cancer (it happens and life DOES go on) but you are still right - Im simply asking a group of single people who are interested in single people and the ups and downs of the dating game (it is a game isnt it? if we'd all just admit that we're lonely and imperfect with simple desires then it'd make it so much easier dont you think? Im lonely and choose to spend my time on this planet with someone because im insecure and wish to know that i'm loved by reciprocation)..sorry I'll get off of my soapbox now!....I cant get too heavy with her regarding feelings as she's not used to "that" but she knows where i'm coming from and I think she feels the same ( i have had a conversation with said best friend)...
As regards the issue in hand - I have made some ground this evening via telephone and the following facts have emerged -
the best friend (girl to clear up any misunderstanding) has laid down the law to said girl and extoled my virtues etc. The result is that Girl in hand (lets call my girlfriend doris as this is getting confusing!) has since said that she is very aware of her "issues" and that she is coming around etc. Doris likes me alot and knows that She needs to open up etc....She will do, but give her time etc....we do seem to click? Ive met a few that are more or a clonk!....
We only have time - all of us...so whats the rush? I like the girl and have met a few!...well one or two
watch this space for updates...thanks again to all.