You meet someone online who likes you and you are interested in them. They seem nice enough, honest enough, caring enough and holds a stable and mature conversation. Somewhere along the way, things were said, offers were made or asked for and expectations were set. The tone changes from friendliness to hopefulness.

But, you know in this case, anything more than online friendship is not feasible.

Do you keep your options open and let things run its course? Do you play cat and mouse? Do you break it by silence or other reasons, so that you or they can get over things? Do you open a conversation to talk about it and sort things out?

How do you handle this? Do you do anything to keep a friendship going or is that impossible when there is someone hoping for more? How do you avoid or minimize disappointment and hurt feelings?

How important is your word online? Do you say things just for conversation even when there is no active intent to follow up? Or do you say things only when you mean them?

Debbie a very good question posted here.

Usually i mean what i say but unfortunately people don't nowadays. Slowly i learnt not to expect too much because it hurts.. (emotionally roller coaster ride) is just too much to handle.

I'm meeting someone in Louisiana in a few mths time (thru mingle). So i told him to keep his choice open and if he happen to have someone he likes along the way, just let me know and i can cancel the trip or we see how it goes.

So these few months will be a measure.. friendship, relationship or stranger.

Cut it short.. No expectation till some proven commitment or actions taken by the other parties.

I tried in the past to make things clear without specifically stating it. I see now that doesn't really work.

If the other person made comments indicating they want more than friendship, I tried to ignore those comments.

Now, I think that was wrong. It's often hard to read implied intent. So in future I would just be direct...happy to be your friend...can't give more at this point.

If they are OK with that I'm happy to mail and play/tease in the forums until they get bored with me.

Because I couldn't figure out what I wanted I already hurt someone on Mingle once and she is one of the best and kindest people I know. I do not want to hurt anyone else.

good luck

Thanks

If it was never going to work I would tell them , why prolong the agony.

One can always be diplomatic about it and explain being friends is the best option.

You could be cutting someone else out while wasting time on a romance that's just not meant to be.

indecision is a terrible thing...

i have learned that being attracted to the wrong idea can complicate things to no end.

i remember a conversation with someone about leading someone on...

this is what he said about it, "i understand the investment seems dangerously close to FWB for me on an emotional level, not physical."

So i believe the party doing the leading on, ought to make some remands to patch up the relationship if they do value it as a friendship. Silence and excuses are never acceptable as a right way to do things.

i agree... being put on the emotional roller coaster is a very painful and emotionally damaging, especially for women... expectations can be hard to control no matter what you tell yourself.

good topic...thought-provoking.

thank you.

great posts peeps, thank you.

you mean in private messages? hhaahaa...ummmm.ya I am pretty damn direct and and right to the point

I always say what I mean

yes and by video chatting in this case.

great post. thank you.

I dunno jaan...maybe im doing it wrong...

But if i were to be attracted to someone, it would be more because of their personality, attitude and the way they treated me...in short, someone whom i could have a meaningful friendship with, if not complicated by attraction or hindered by circumstances...i think id choose to work out the boundaries and respect how the relationship started as. It might not be as simple as stated, but i guess all relationships, even non-relationships need time, effort and good communication invested between parties involved in order to reap the right benefits.

Its never easy to open yourself up to that kind of risk, but i think it would be a shame to distance yourself from people who can potentially help you grow into a better person, just because of undecided emotions...like you said -- that blank space in your mind and heart -- can actually become more damaging in the long run...

I never did like nor subscribe to the concept of rebound relationships...looking for someone to fill that gap...seems like passing on the hurt and emptiness you acquired from a previous relation to some innocent bystander....and i would always want to look at someone with a fresh set of eyes and a ready heart, not with ones that are clouded by loneliness...its only fair to myself and the other party to do so...

I realize "online" friendship isn't really friendship.
It's an acquaintanceship at best and is only relevant or has value as long as it provides some sense of positive emotional gratification or entertainment value.

IMO it's just not a real relationship until it's primarily based on real face to face interaction.
Until that happens, it just doesn't matter much.

If it's based solely online then "how you handle it" is basically based on your mood and self image, and has little to do with them.


Depends on the interaction.

Sometimes the interaction starts just devolving into constant exchanges of how they wish things "could be" or like a trashy romance novel and pointless.

Sometimes the interaction just contracts to meaningless face interaction without any real purpose sounding like an exchange between a customer and a cashier.

Sometimes the interaction is just two people throwing stuff at each other that's entertaining and isn't based on an attempt at emotional development, so it doesn't really matter if it's continued or not, but when it is it's enjoyable, if it's not it doesn't "hurt."


By focusing on meeting, and determining if there will actually be effort towards that goal.
If not, there's no real purpose to it except personal gratification for however long it lasts.


Depends on the word(s).


I try not to make commitments requiring me to follow up.
IME most people try not to either.
And trying to avoid making commitments is what usually leads to things devolving into trashy romance exchanges like "Oh I wish you lived closer! Oh I wish I could just hug you! Oh I wish I was there with you! Oh I looked at flight schedules online! Oh I would love to snuggle with you in front of the fire listening to the sigh of the snow fall and the crack of the wood giving birth to dancing sparks that mirrored the lights of our souls intertwining like our bodies as we stare into each others eyes!" and other stupid crap like that which can lead to cyber sex and exchanging of genital pictures.

That's generally the normal course of crappy relationships.
When true communication fails, throw sex (which is pure body language i.e. pure communication) at the problem.

The people that make commitments (explicit or implied) at the height of hormonal highs tend to be the ones that disappear.


I say things that fall into the skein of my intent, motives, or desires.
No one talks into a vacuum where it only means what the words say.
There is always a plot to writing.
And that's what online interaction is.
There are letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, themes, thesis, plots, subplots, it's all related.

What I mean and what you understand can be a million different things.

I can "mean" a sentence, but within the context of the paragraph I might not "mean" it.
I might not "mean" a sentence I type, but it can lend credence to an idea that it's a part of.


There is no letting things run their course.
No matter what you choose to do, you are steering.
No matter what you choose to do, you are providing momentum.


I'm not sure I understand how you mean this.
Am I the mouse and disappear in my hole, like "ghosting," until they decide to stop hanging around and go away?
I don't really hide in my hole so much as just not really engage.
More a game of cat and cat and I don't really care what ball of yarn they're playing with anymore.

Am I the cat that just plays games with them? Batting them around paw to paw? Giving them false hope, and then taking it away? Pushing them away and then chasing them down and catching them?
Sometimes unintentionally. Sometimes this is just what happens.
Sometimes I've said "go f yourself and stop emailing me," and that causes them to email me more when before things were just kinda tapering off.


Sometimes.
Sometimes they seemed like one type of person in the beginning, and then later they seem like another, and it can vacillate.
Since I've never met them in person I really have no concrete idea of who they are, so tactics can change regarding how to communicate with them most effectively in order to understand what's going on or what will happen.


Sometimes.
Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes they open the conversation.
Sometimes attempting to sort things out makes it more confusing.
Sometimes that's more fun.
Sometimes things seem "sorted out" but it really changed nothing.

Op.. is this anything like when women pretend to have an orgasm ...you know!. False hope

I wouldn't know about that

Ohh..so you're saying you're one of those women.. you don't even give them false hope.. you just crush their spirits and tell them.. its not my fault !..you just need to try harder..lover.

Boy this is a thought provoking post... I am very honest, I recently was chatting with someone and all of the sudden I wasn't sure if they had read my profile which states clearly I am in a relationship... I was very quick to point that out to them... Because if they had had any different idea than just friendship I would have felt horrible. So I guess I am very quick to make sure that they know I am in this for friendships only...

Never lead someone on to think something else that to me would be cruel. I have had that done to me and well it sucks. I was glad I found out before it went to far.

Years ago, I tried to play the internet game of cat and mouse the problem was it ended up me thinking I was the cat, in actuality I was the mouse and I learned my lesson. I keep it real whether here, in person, what ever.. So much easier to just be who I am...