I'm totally enjoying your rants because I understand...
I sometimes ask why their English isn't good and I usually get "am English man"...right, like the Queen's English is so much different than American English when it comes to using proper words...
Good luck to you Mel, I'm sure you'll find him. You have a good sense of humor and that will see you through.
And if all else fails, use the line I do, " I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request at this time" Then block the heck out of them.