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| Topic: New Couples with Children | |
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when a child acts out how do ya'll think that it should be handled?
How the parents have decided to handle it, or did handle it and then figure out if it's effective and should be continued or not. It's why there's such things as communication, arguing, learning, acceptance, tolerance, and leaving home when they're 18. some people think that the parent of the child is the only one who can try and do something
And some people don't say that, they simply act on that belief, so it looks like they are weak and not willing to take responsibility, or offer support and help. And some people say they think that, but in truth they are simply scared of kids and hurting them or having CPS called on them, or being judged a bad guy, or cooties. There are lots of reasons and ways of thinking that keeps a parent from acting like a parent. To their own kid or others. Sometimes after the mom and dad to the kiddos start new relationships the kiddos do not want their parents to be with a new partner
Sometimes that's because of things like "I don't introduce my kids to anyone new until it's 'serious,'" or, "I keep my dating life and mom/dad life separate." So while the parent has been slowly building a "serious" relationship, no relationship whatsoever has been built with the kid. So when the new person is introduced it's somehow expected that the kid just accept it, and to be on the same relationship level as the parents. Also, to really know and understand the new relationship of the parents. To simply accept change and move on and be happy or effectively neutral about it. And sometimes the kid(s) is a completely different gender, with a completely different perspective and personality from the parent. Forced to interact with someone the kid had absolutely no choice in choosing to interact with, and is being treated as some kind of extension to the parents ego. Something to be dealt with via a false smile and exaggerated happiness and kid gloves. A new mouth to compete for attention and love and face time. All of a sudden they are faced with this potentially insecure and patronizing stranger that is also dealing with not knowing precisely how the relationship will be but seemingly has a lot more power, control, strength, and size than the kid. All while their parent is happy and exhibiting some of the same behavior for this stranger as they did for the kid. Which begs the question, on some level, did the parent ever really feel that way about the kid if they can feel that way to (from the kids perspective) a stranger? IOW you ever date someone and they seem to feel more for you than you do for them, with the expectations you should, while hardly knowing anything about them, although other people like them, and they make sure you can't get away from them? How many women or men stick around when the other person is clingy and exhibits relationship behavior that is inappropriate to how you feel about them? What if you were forced to stick around by someone else? And many (if not all) single parents say something like "my kids are my world!" And then they act and ask questions like in this thread. And it just reminds me of the "save the planet!" threads. Everyone thinks they are saving the planet by doing stupid things like recycling, or know how to, or should try by coming to the internet and telling other people how to do it, yet it keeps getting more full of trash and pollution and politicians. And things like this... she better get along with my boys..... if she doesn't.... then . I would be sad but..... I would have to wisher. best of luck in her next relationship
If this is true as it is typed it means either "my kid has absolute power over who I date and my relationships, they are a minefield test that I force people into while holding my kids unaccountable for their end of the relationship with the new person," or, "I make sure all of my relationships have a sword of damacles hanging over their head at all times." The people you date aren't going to be magic therapist relationship experts. Not to mention, think of how many people you had to go through in order to find this one person that actually wants to date you, and stick around long enough to establish a relationship with you. Did you give your kids the chance to pick and choose and newmomdate anyone? How would you have liked it if your mom or dad came over, shoved someone in your house, and said "okay, I've chosen her...now get along." How would you behave? No matter if this new partner treated them like their own, they may act out. How would that be handled?
People don't like to be "handled." No one likes others to decide what a relationship should be and then forced to live up to the expectations of the other persons relationship desires. A new partner treating them like their own may be the worse thing of all while all the "intentions" are pure and sweet and may seem so. Other than that, how are most problems with kids handled? Either with the kids input being taken seriously, taking into account their limited vocabulary and more heavy reliance on indirect communication, by the parents believing they inherently know what's in the kids best interest and then forcing that onto the kid, or the parents incorrect interpretation of the kids input weighed against what they believe to be in the kids best interest and then inconsistently applied. There's no perfect way. All parents are going to screw up their kids. At best you can see current consequences and try to work backwards to deal with root causes in order to mitigate those specific consequences. But there will be more, and some will be worse, and some will never be seen by the parents. Hahahaha good luck with that. Wow...thank you for putting your input in. I was fixing to view your profile but noticed this profile has been Deactivated. 
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This is a lot of ground to cover so I am breaking it up point by point.
What are ya'lls take on when two people become a couple and one or both of them have kids- Great common experience but not identical. Since having kids can make or break a relationship faster than just about anything but money this life situation needs to have lots of communication so you are on the same page before you get in front of kids on either side. Since you are suggesting plural kids you don't get to lump them together as a group (people are people and individuals ;especially kids but both adults even the biological parents are going to settle into this at different rates). Nor can this be addressed as his or hers or it is doomed to fail as far as: when a child acts out how do ya'll think that it should be handled? This is a case by case basis. Whenever possible time out your reaction briefly , come to a meeting of the minds, even if it is only a tolerable compromise, and proceed as a united front. The trick here is catch your family members being good with lot of short positive exchanges and progressive fun team building activities before you have to deal with a lot of acting out. Re enforce with lots of positive praise when it is genuine. First interactions should be when all especially the child is rested in an not intimidating neutral location when they are neither ill or hungry. Avoid competitions. This is WAY easier if these interactions are maybe with one or at least the most age similar children. Few people do well being ambushed in a crowd with and audience. As a parent do not abandon your child but don't hover so close they feel on stage. Give things time. You didn't get to know your children over night and neither can anyone else. Give your new partner a fighting chance at success with out manipulating a natural progression of a relationship. If you view every interaction as success or fail no one will enjoy being graded. If one of the kiddos or more of them do not like your partner? This I hate to say is pretty much a given. It may be a lasting issue or a passing one depending how much power you give their approval. I am not saying don't listen to your kids but didn't you at least once despise your parents? You got over it because they loved you anyway and didn't cave because you didn't think they were the coolest parent in the world 24/7. It was a lot easier on you to when your parents didn't get in the middle of it and muck it up. I told my kids you do not have to like this person but I love them and if you love me you will give this your best effort and a chance. Let's start with polite and respectful. I am going to insist we all earn a happy family. That can be hard when you have to say "Nope this is not a good night for me to meet your needs partner or hey my kid was talking hear him out. Cheerleading is tough but you point out to your kid that the new partner makes Mom be in a good mood, sent home the chocolate milk for their cheerios things smooth out. Sometimes you HAVE to let the outside be the hero. Then not get jealous when they are. Or if your partner does not interact with your kids? Ok this comes back to planned success and experience. And did you always interact well with your kids? You tell me anyone always likes their little darling I am going to ROFLMBO. Or his? Or him? people , even adults, have BIG feelings when it comes to how they succeed or fail with a partner's kids. It is ok for feelings not to always be wine and roses. Try to skip blame and work toward solutions and being supportive. I am not saying cave on every thing just pick your battles and opt for consequences that don't tank the relationship if it has potential. Sometimes you have to face facts and throw in the towel. Not everyone can hold up under the stress and does not make them a scapegoat. These examples could be when the couple first gets together, This would be normal. It is part of the process. or when they decide to move in together. Ok let me be clear here I DO NOT SUPPORT "playing" family by "playing" house. You want to screw up your life that is one thing. Get a babysitter and go play house at a hotel for the weekend and leave the kids and their home life out of it. Because you don't tell kids that love and commitment mean one thing and then put a temporary lets see if it is as fun as it sounds until it is NOT fun and expect them to trust you or any other person that comes along in the future. If you are divorced you have already shown them you are not great at relationships and you don't need putting that kind of pressure on them until you are Dead sure it is and all in deal. Like it or not two adults don't just marry each other when kids are involved they marry a family. If the partner or his kids are not up for that then bag it and move on. |
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My boys...come first...... so whoever she is... she better get along with my boys..... if she doesn't.... then . I would be sad but..... I would have to wisher. best of luck in her next relationship.. 
My kiddos come first also, so I know what you mean. I love kids so someone having kids would be great. What if she did treat them good and the boys did not want you with her? Ok people who go into adult relationships with my way or the highway and my kids come first are putting their kids dead last. There is a reason it takes nine months for a kid to hit the ground and that is so at least, preferably longer, a mate has a chance to become a mate. A mate is and never will succeed being a second class citizen in a family relationship. It will destroy their self esteem and make them a LOUSY co-parent. The kids won't respect them and they can't love them. Kids are smart they will see the handwriting on the wall. Some times it is exactly the same verse they already lived through in the previous divorce. A pai9nful realization but one that does not have to be repeated. If you do not trust, nurture, and at least make your mate as EQUAL to your kids as you possibly can then face facts and forget it. Granted this is very difficult and you do it in stages but by the time you get to the alter if you don't see every member in the home as critical then the family might as well be drawn and quartered then sliced up and sent home in the cake boxes. It will be in divorce court before the ink on the license and or the lease is dry. Couples that go in with this attitude better have an iron clad pre-nup and plenty of money for therapy for their kids future. Save on the wedding and set it aside for the kids first divorce; they will probably need it. |
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when a child acts out how do ya'll think that it should be handled?
How the parents have decided to handle it, or did handle it and then figure out if it's effective and should be continued or not. It's why there's such things as communication, arguing, learning, acceptance, tolerance, and leaving home when they're 18. some people think that the parent of the child is the only one who can try and do something
And some people don't say that, they simply act on that belief, so it looks like they are weak and not willing to take responsibility, or offer support and help. And some people say they think that, but in truth they are simply scared of kids and hurting them or having CPS called on them, or being judged a bad guy, or cooties. There are lots of reasons and ways of thinking that keeps a parent from acting like a parent. To their own kid or others. Sometimes after the mom and dad to the kiddos start new relationships the kiddos do not want their parents to be with a new partner
Sometimes that's because of things like "I don't introduce my kids to anyone new until it's 'serious,'" or, "I keep my dating life and mom/dad life separate." So while the parent has been slowly building a "serious" relationship, no relationship whatsoever has been built with the kid. So when the new person is introduced it's somehow expected that the kid just accept it, and to be on the same relationship level as the parents. Also, to really know and understand the new relationship of the parents. To simply accept change and move on and be happy or effectively neutral about it. And sometimes the kid(s) is a completely different gender, with a completely different perspective and personality from the parent. Forced to interact with someone the kid had absolutely no choice in choosing to interact with, and is being treated as some kind of extension to the parents ego. Something to be dealt with via a false smile and exaggerated happiness and kid gloves. A new mouth to compete for attention and love and face time. All of a sudden they are faced with this potentially insecure and patronizing stranger that is also dealing with not knowing precisely how the relationship will be but seemingly has a lot more power, control, strength, and size than the kid. All while their parent is happy and exhibiting some of the same behavior for this stranger as they did for the kid. Which begs the question, on some level, did the parent ever really feel that way about the kid if they can feel that way to (from the kids perspective) a stranger? IOW you ever date someone and they seem to feel more for you than you do for them, with the expectations you should, while hardly knowing anything about them, although other people like them, and they make sure you can't get away from them? How many women or men stick around when the other person is clingy and exhibits relationship behavior that is inappropriate to how you feel about them? What if you were forced to stick around by someone else? And many (if not all) single parents say something like "my kids are my world!" And then they act and ask questions like in this thread. And it just reminds me of the "save the planet!" threads. Everyone thinks they are saving the planet by doing stupid things like recycling, or know how to, or should try by coming to the internet and telling other people how to do it, yet it keeps getting more full of trash and pollution and politicians. And things like this... she better get along with my boys..... if she doesn't.... then . I would be sad but..... I would have to wisher. best of luck in her next relationship
If this is true as it is typed it means either "my kid has absolute power over who I date and my relationships, they are a minefield test that I force people into while holding my kids unaccountable for their end of the relationship with the new person," or, "I make sure all of my relationships have a sword of damacles hanging over their head at all times." The people you date aren't going to be magic therapist relationship experts. Not to mention, think of how many people you had to go through in order to find this one person that actually wants to date you, and stick around long enough to establish a relationship with you. Did you give your kids the chance to pick and choose and newmomdate anyone? How would you have liked it if your mom or dad came over, shoved someone in your house, and said "okay, I've chosen her...now get along." How would you behave? No matter if this new partner treated them like their own, they may act out. How would that be handled?
People don't like to be "handled." No one likes others to decide what a relationship should be and then forced to live up to the expectations of the other persons relationship desires. A new partner treating them like their own may be the worse thing of all while all the "intentions" are pure and sweet and may seem so. Other than that, how are most problems with kids handled? Either with the kids input being taken seriously, taking into account their limited vocabulary and more heavy reliance on indirect communication, by the parents believing they inherently know what's in the kids best interest and then forcing that onto the kid, or the parents incorrect interpretation of the kids input weighed against what they believe to be in the kids best interest and then inconsistently applied. There's no perfect way. All parents are going to screw up their kids. At best you can see current consequences and try to work backwards to deal with root causes in order to mitigate those specific consequences. But there will be more, and some will be worse, and some will never be seen by the parents. Hahahaha good luck with that. Wow...thank you for putting your input in. I was fixing to view your profile but noticed this profile has been Deactivated.
This is 100% on target. Should cut and paste it to your bathroom mirror and memorize it. Bravo. |
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Mmmmm I have such a big opinion on this one
trying to figure out how to word it in my opinion one should figure out if this is a person you are in relationship with and have a.future with before introducing him or her to your kids or meeting theirs see an awful lot of single parents seem to have new boyfriend / girlfriend every other week and then told they have to listen and obey this person |
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Then they break up and along comes a new one and process starts all over. pretty damn hard on the kids
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Edited by
PacificStar48
on
Fri 05/29/15 06:29 PM
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Mmmmm I have such a big opinion on this one trying to figure out how to word it in my opinion one should figure out if this is a person you are in relationship with and have a.future with before introducing him or her to your kids or meeting theirs see an awful lot of single parents seem to have new boyfriend / girlfriend every other week and then told they have to listen and obey this person Well I agree just putting anything that remotely looks like a possible candidate in front of your kids face as possible new parent material is insane and I think borders on abuse. Bag that it IS abuse. I find calling every stranger Daddy this or Mommy that kind of Obscene. We were married several years before my husband actually adopted my sons. When we went to court the judge ask who was the "new father " my adopted handicapped son promptly piped up that {their} " father was ------ but this is who we love and maaaaaaaaarried. You just have to make our family adopted on paper." Truth be told I think the kids ask their Step Dad to do it because I critically ill and they wanted to be sure there would be no issue who they grew up with. But My kids knew who my friends were. note I do not say romantic friend, and almost all my customers, (I had a thriving business of my own and an excellent relationship with an employer, went to radio club, and all sorts of community events as a family. They were so accustom to being around carefully selected civil adults the thought that someone was a potential personal romance didn't even cross their minds. They met them and interacted with people and it didn't go well sorry Charlie they were friend zoned, or deleted from the social circle entirely, and I did not even consider dating them. I did not even bother to waste my time having a man in my world that didn't have the character and responsibility to qualify as "Dad" material. I care enough about myself to edit substandard people out of my life from jump street. Of course that was back in the day where women still had the courage in mass to tell some guy who thought they should drop their drawers and play slumber party right out of the gate to Get Lost. Guys even swept that kind of women aside. If it got to the point someone was coming to my home and there wasn't half a dozen people there for a BBQ then my kids got the idea that this person was something special but there were no sleepovers and by the time I told them this person you need to consider they were saying "Geeze Mom Say yes already." They knew everyone in my fiance's command, had met his parents, and he was already helping my son as a Special Olympics coach. |
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the marital relationship must come first, that must be demonstrated and it is the best lesson children can learn if they plan on having the same
not what "Oh my kids come first" _type peeps wanna hear, but it is a solid factoid don't even TRY to take me on this LOL |
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Stepfathers are often abusive, so I would be real picky about another man invading my child's life.
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Stepfathers are often abusive, so I would be real picky about another man invading my child's life. I think that is an over hyped load of crapola. You can make statistics say anything you want by manipulating the data to say a child abuser is often also a step father in some form or another so you have to paint all step fathers with the same contaminated brush. Step fathers are not necessarily any more likely to abuse a child than a birthfather if you in fact pick a normal adult male as a step father. If you skew the data and in desperation just pick anything in pants well of course the numbers make step-fathers look bad. If you extracted every step father from the parental pool I assure you that the majority of them are in fact good, decent, responsible, completely appropriate fathers. What about adoptive fathers are you going to put that same load of manure on a father by choice? Or the larger number of birthfathers that abuse their own children? Or grandfathers? How do then explain the risk is greater in stepfathers? Since there a multitude of step fathers that do not even know they are step fathers that kind of shoots the theory that they are more of a threat than birth fathers right in the head. Just because media hypes the murder/abuse of a step child while the murder of a child by a birthparent hardly makes the papers doesn't mean the majority of crimes are by stepfathers. |
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Ok. Biological fathers who are abusive can become worse with a stepdaughter because he thinks it's not so bad to look at her in a sexual way..I have seen this happen, and heard the same from people I know ok..not in the media.
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