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| Topic: Why do we keep trying | |
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You can look at the menu but you just can't eat......
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6 years for me also,although not by choice.My angel got her wings 5-27-2007.My life is a bit empty but always have hope.Many are right,we aren't meant to be alone,even my late wife told me to find someone because "Your not good alone" Someday.......? My late husband told me to marry one of the pall bearers because he said He knew I would enjoy loving again because I so clearly loved him without effort. Good relationships do give life a quality that seems lacking if life is just about self. I love the balance and perspective of having that mirror that the other half of your soul gives when you are well matched. |
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Has anybody but me ever wondered why?
Yes. Millions and tons. They're always starting threads on internet forums. Which is funny. They are looking to connect with someone in order to talk about something that is important to them, to find people that "get them" or want to listen to them. Just a case of "I can't find the relationship I want....so I'll settle for this small little fast food bit for now." Why do we feel the need to pair off with someone?
Couple reasons. 1. You don't feel the need to pair off, only mate and get someone pregnant. During that process you bond and stick around to help raise the kid. 2. Society and your mommy and your daddy and Disney taught you to pair off with one person forebber and ebber. Which unfortunately sometimes interferes with #1 because things don't always turn out the way you were taught to idealize. Why do we get lonely even when we are use to being alone.
Human beings are group animals. Just like monkeys and horses. Not to mention, you are never truly alone. You go to the grocery store? You live in a neighborhood? You have access to the internet? The police? IME when most people say "I am used to being alone" it usually means "I am used to having complete control over my environment and my own gratification with as little responsibility towards others that I can get away with, and my needs are met by trading money not social favors or upkeep, that way I don't have to acknowledge my emotional weaknesses. I have power. Power over my life. Power over me. And ultimately, power over you by being able to keep you at the distance I want you." use to being alone
People that get used to being alone generally do so at a cost they don't realize they've paid. Not realizing what they've done until they start becoming too scared/insecure to be around other people, then they start rationalizing how much better it is to be alone, focusing on the flaws of other people. I'm sitting here thinking about what you've said here. I've thought about the cost several times. Right now, I have my family. But by the law of numbers, it stands to reason I'm going to be the last one left. When that happens I will be alone completely. But at the same time I've also had to think about it like this, So far I have dated many women. And as I said above, So far every one of them were messed up one way or the other. I don't know about anyone else. But as for me, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. But, I also don't want to hitch my waggon to some woman that has messed up her life one way or the other and lives in constant drama. Or has a messed up family that is always causing friction or drama. To me, it just isn't worth it. It's a Sad truth, that's all I ever seem to find. It's usually their unruly, irritating kids. I say "kids" even though some of them were grown. And every now and then, The X husband that doesn't realize he has been divorced from her for 10 years. But still wants to stir shyt. Being alone doesn't sound good. But it's better than that. A lot of this rings true when I look. I would rather be alone than miserable with some of the major dramas I see in families to day; drug and alcohol abuse, minimal life skills ; especially absent parenting skills, always in crisis because no financial brains at all; zero concept of fidelity or commitment, mutual respect even common courtesy. I am getting a little too old to start over at this point in life with an anvil(s) around the relationship. I live in a community where many are considerably older and have given up on having a relationship. What REALLY scares me I do NOT want to become so locked into my routine that I become like some I have seen that become almost rabid if anyone tries to shift their patterns/beliefs and really are just waiting to die. |
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Edited by
Charles1962150
on
Mon 05/11/15 10:29 PM
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I don't mean to step on any toes here with what I'm about to say. We seem to live in a world now where the family dynamic is dead. There are too many women out there now raising their kids alone. To many making babies with no idea of what it takes to stay together.
A lot of them wind up raising kids alone. I don't know if it's some of them just don't know how to raise kids or what. I do know that in my belief system it was meant for two. A father and a mother. Now here comes the bad part. It seems that every woman I try to date has some of the most awful kids I've seen. Excuse me, But most I've seen are some of the most disrespectful arse holes I've ever seen. They act like they have been petted to death all their lives. It's hard for me to tolerate disrespect of any kind. These I speak of are maybe 13 to 30-year-olds. I've stopped dating many women because of their kids. I'm sure, at least within reason that these women did the best they could with what they had. But at the same time, I've seen so many with their lives upside down from one screw up after another. I've gotten to the point to where if they have kids, I check them out through and through. If they are out and living their own lives and taking care of their own business and leaving mom out of it, I'll date her. Or, If she doesn't have any kids at all I will date her. If I see any disrespect, dope heads or drunk kids with several girlfriends and every one of them have a baby by him, or a daughter with a baby alone and a boyfriend causing trouble all the time. I'm gone. I'm not getting involved in any of that kind of drama. But the sad part of it is, I see too much of it. It's another reason(s) why I stay alone. Again, I don't want too. But, I just don't want to put up with a bunch of crap either. It's kinda like what PacificStar48 said, "I am getting a little too old to start over at this point in life with an anvil(s) around the relationship." |
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Happiness is real only when shared
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I think there is somewhere down inside us where there is no failure_only that success requires this realisation.
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Edited by
Leigh2154
on
Fri 05/22/15 07:03 AM
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I do not believe that we need someone to make us whole .. Not sure where that comes from . However, we are certainly social by nature .. motivated to form attachments and feel the need to belong ... Whether through friendship .. family connections . or intimate relationships . Perhaps in part this reflects early evolution when humans needed to live in groups to survive and work together as a collective But more than likely the need to belong is a learned behaviour . As a baby we quickly form attachments to those who care for us and experience separation anxiety/ distress when bonds are broken . I have seen this when very young children are hospitalised .. They become increasingly distressed and if family bonds are not maintained they often fail to thrive . Or die . Perhaps social attachments are simply a learned behaviour fuelled by the need to feel connected to others . .. To belong .  Intelligent and gorgeous!...Think of all the studies on "the power of touch"...It is the first "sense" we acquire...I agree Blondey, we don't need someone to make us whole, only to make us better... :-))
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I do not believe that we need someone to make us whole .. Not sure where that comes from . However, we are certainly social by nature .. motivated to form attachments and feel the need to belong ... Whether through friendship .. family connections . or intimate relationships . Perhaps in part this reflects early evolution when humans needed to live in groups to survive and work together as a collective But more than likely the need to belong is a learned behaviour . As a baby we quickly form attachments to those who care for us and experience separation anxiety/ distress when bonds are broken . I have seen this when very young children are hospitalised .. They become increasingly distressed and if family bonds are not maintained they often fail to thrive . Or die . Perhaps social attachments are simply a learned behaviour fuelled by the need to feel connected to others . .. To belong . Intelligent and gorgeous!...Think of all the studies on "the power of touch"...It is the first "sense" we acquire...I agree Blondey, we don't need someone to make of whole, only to make us better... :-))
Yes, I sometimes read things and wish I would have wrote it. This is one of them. |
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Edited by
Leigh2154
on
Fri 05/22/15 07:05 AM
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I do not believe that we need someone to make us whole .. Not sure where that comes from . However, we are certainly social by nature .. motivated to form attachments and feel the need to belong ... Whether through friendship .. family connections . or intimate relationships . Perhaps in part this reflects early evolution when humans needed to live in groups to survive and work together as a collective But more than likely the need to belong is a learned behaviour . As a baby we quickly form attachments to those who care for us and experience separation anxiety/ distress when bonds are broken . I have seen this when very young children are hospitalised .. They become increasingly distressed and if family bonds are not maintained they often fail to thrive . Or die . Perhaps social attachments are simply a learned behaviour fuelled by the need to feel connected to others . .. To belong . Intelligent and gorgeous!...Think of all the studies on "the power of touch"...It is the first "sense" we acquire...I agree Blondey, we don't need someone to make us whole, only to make us better... :-))
Yes, I sometimes read things and wish I would have wrote it. This is one of them. You are such a great guy Joe!! 
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I do not believe that we need someone to make us whole .. Not sure where that comes from . However, we are certainly social by nature .. motivated to form attachments and feel the need to belong ... Whether through friendship .. family connections . or intimate relationships . Perhaps in part this reflects early evolution when humans needed to live in groups to survive and work together as a collective But more than likely the need to belong is a learned behaviour . As a baby we quickly form attachments to those who care for us and experience separation anxiety/ distress when bonds are broken . I have seen this when very young children are hospitalised .. They become increasingly distressed and if family bonds are not maintained they often fail to thrive . Or die . Perhaps social attachments are simply a learned behaviour fuelled by the need to feel connected to others . .. To belong . Intelligent and gorgeous!...Think of all the studies on "the power of touch"...It is the first "sense" we acquire...I agree Blondey, we don't need someone to make us whole, only to make us better... :-))
Yes, I sometimes read things and wish I would have wrote it. This is one of them. You are such a great guy Joe!!
Mutual Leigh
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore.
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore. Actually, that's a pretty good philosophy ...Love can and does happen when we least expect it and the right chemistry can take precedence over a broken heart or a bad experience...
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore. Actually, that's a pretty good philosophy ...Love can and does happen when we least expect it and the right chemistry can take precedence over a broken heart or a bad experience...
 Just sitting over here not expecting anything!
Totally non expectant. Completely and wholly devoid of expectation. Not even the remotest inkling of expectation. |
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore. Actually, that's a pretty good philosophy ...Love can and does happen when we least expect it and the right chemistry can take precedence over a broken heart or a bad experience...
Just sitting over here not expecting anything!
Totally non expectant. Completely and wholly devoid of expectation. Not even the remotest inkling of expectation. Liar, liar pants one fire!.... 
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore. Actually, that's a pretty good philosophy ...Love can and does happen when we least expect it and the right chemistry can take precedence over a broken heart or a bad experience...
Just sitting over here not expecting anything!
Totally non expectant. Completely and wholly devoid of expectation. Not even the remotest inkling of expectation. Liar, liar pants one fire!....
SHHHHH! How's Love supposed to sneak up on me with you over there making all that noise? 
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I tried not to expect it to come my way, anymore. Actually, that's a pretty good philosophy ...Love can and does happen when we least expect it and the right chemistry can take precedence over a broken heart or a bad experience...
Just sitting over here not expecting anything!
Totally non expectant. Completely and wholly devoid of expectation. Not even the remotest inkling of expectation. Liar, liar pants one fire!....
SHHHHH! How's Love supposed to sneak up on me with you over there making all that noise?
Knock, knock!... Who's there?... Love... Love who?... You silly budda!.... |
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I don't know that I need a partner to be "good" with myself but to be really "great" yea the right partner really brings that out in me. I like loving someone, being loved, and find balance in a good match. That second set of eyes does seem to brighten things up or bring things into focus. I think you get every much as you give in a good pairing. Being paired I think is set in the womb. Yea we all have a degree of independence but we find comfort in being attached and nurtured by and adult partner. Have you ever noticed people who are happy usually are with people like their beloved parent?
The whole how are the kids going to turn out worth a crap when a single parent tries to work themselves into the ground being both Mother/Father is probably why we see so many young adults in crisis. It is a drag for those of us who are older finding slim pickings for being motivated to try again. That and many people do have major problems they just can't shake; most of it being self abuse of one form or another. I don't get why so many smart people hang anvils of addiction around their neck but it is prevalent. I truly believe my kids would not have turned out worth a flip if I had not sought men to help me co-parent in the absence of the one who should of stepped up. I still don't understand how that happened in his family but not wasting the energy to look back too much. I am truly grateful for the select family and friends and a second mate that helped me. Yea I held down the fort and guided the ship but without the navigators helping me work through the shouls I would have run aground for sure. I think that is why I find Mingle such a comfort. There are smart open people here and the fellowship does a lot to help me keep the faith that I am not on this big blue marble all alone even though I sure wish many of you were in my neighborhood. |
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