"7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love!"


'What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?'


[Post published by Lisa Firestone Ph.D. on Jan 16, 2014 in 'Compassion Matters']






The story of lost love is one most of us can tell, and the question, "Why do relationships fail?" lingers heavily in the back of our minds. The answer for many of us can be found within. Whether we know it or not, most of us are afraid of really being in love. While our fears may manifest themselves in different ways or show themselves at different stages of a relationship, we all harbor defenses that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt. These defenses may offer us a false illusion of safety or security, but they keep us from attaining the closeness we most desire. So what drives our fears of intimacy? What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?


1. 'Real love makes us feel vulnerable':


A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk. We are placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel exposed and vulnerable. Our core defenses are challenged. Any habits we've long had that allow us to feel self-focused or self-contained start to fall by the wayside. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt.


2. 'New love stirs up past hurts':


When we enter into a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we've been impacted by our history. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships. Old, negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection. As Dr. Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive , "when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain, the pain you felt at not having it in the past."


3. 'Love challenges an old identity':


Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us. We all have a 'critical inner voice', which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves.



While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become en-grained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own. These critical thoughts or 'inner voices' are often harmful and unpleasant, but they're also comfortable in their familiarity. When another person sees us differently from our voices, loving and appreciating us, we may actually start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, as it challenges these long-held points of identification.


4. 'With real joy comes real pain':


Any time we fully experience true joy or feel the preciousness of life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of sadness. Many of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively numb ourselves to sadness without numbing ourselves to joy. When it comes to falling in love, we may be hesitant to go 'all in,' for fear of the sadness it would stir up in us.


5. 'Love is often unequal':


Many people I've talked to have expressed hesitation over getting involved with someone, because that person 'likes them too much'. They worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn't evolve, and the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an 'ever-changing' force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hatred for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel, keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It's better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy.


6. 'Relationships can break your connection to your family':


'Relationships' can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. They represent starting our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn't physical. It doesn't mean literally giving up our family, but rather 'letting go' on an emotional level – no longer feeling like a kid and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and shaped our identity.


7. 'Love stirs up existential fears':


The 'more we have', the 'more we have to lose'. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we 'fall in love', we not only face the 'fear of losing our partner', but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to overcome this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize within ourselves, 'a million reasons' why we shouldn't be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give, may have 'workable' solutions, and what's really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.


Most relationships bring up an 'onslaught of challenges'. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren't working out, but we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when we get close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining 'lasting' love.





https://www.psychologytoday.com/

'10 Tips for Improving Parent-Teen Relationships!' [By: 'Annie Fox']


You know your child is an adolescent (semi-formed human) when she or he:


01. Gives you attitude over stuff that's never been an issue before.

02. Refuses to do what you ask.

03. Agrees to do it and then (un)wittingly "forgets".

04. Denies they ever agreed to anything.

05. Says "You don't get it!" at least twice a day.

06. Insults you under his/her breath.

07. Mocks you to your face.

08. Doesn't text you back; then swears they never got the message.

09. Slams doors, screams, roars, cries regularly.

10. Is not much fun to live with.


Experts tell parents of teens, "Don't take their words or behavior personally." 'Stellar advice'. 'Realistic'? Not so much. We want a hug. They want to break up. Try not taking that personally.


So, what are our options?

(A) Keep fighting to get them to change.

(B) Change yourself and give teens space to become more human.


HINT: The 'sane' response is 'B'.



Here are 10 ways you can improve parent-teen relationships starting today:


01. 'Remember that you are the parent':


Your job is to prepare your child to become an independent, fully functioning adult. Being a clear-sighted, compassionate mentor is way more important than being your teen's friend. They don't need your 'friendship', anyway. What they need is your 'moral leadership'.


02. 'Remain calm in the winds of change':


Nothing gets resolved when you're too stressed to think. if you can't respond rationally to something your teen did, take a break until you can.


03. 'Talk less and listen more':


Just like us fully-formed humans, teens want to be listened to with respect. Always be a 'safe' and 'available' person for your child to talk to. That doesn't mean you have to 'accept or agree with everything', but letting your teen talk openly (without interrupting), gives them a chance to hear their own ideas played out loud. It also provides a 'window' into their problem-solving strengths and limitations. You can use that to help them.


04. 'Respect boundaries':


It's often a challenge for parents to grant their teens increasingly more privacy and autonomy. But in order to develop good judgment, they need lots of opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. Encourage their learning.


05. 'They're always watching':


You want your child to be trustworthy, responsible, honest, resilient and good-hearted. Make sure you're modeling those values in your own life. And while you're at it, talk about the walk as though you're walking it.


06. 'Make your expectations clear':


When kids know your core values, have bought into the family rules and are aware of the consequences for breaking them, they're more likely to make healthier choices online and off. No guarantees, but your voice will be in the mix.


07. 'Catch your child in the act of doing something right':


Teens struggle with self-confidence. When they aren't dumping on themselves, their peers may do it for them. Don't add your voice to the 'chorus of negativity'. Actively look for things your kids are doing right. Your praise shows you notice more than their faults. It will also increase their feelings of competency.


08. 'Be real':


Father/mother 'do not always know best'. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also 'a work in progress'. That's all any of us can expect from ourselves and others... progress, not perfection.


09. 'Schedule regular unplugged time to enjoy being a family':


Cook. Eat. Walk. Bike. Bowl. Whatever. 'The point is': Relaxing together without screens in the way is a gift with long-lasting benefits.


10. 'Lighten up!':


Humor is a great 'stress-remover'! Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of one) forever!

'Divine'

When life was closing in on me,
My world had fallen down;

You always kept me going,
When you would come around.


You pieced me back together,
You made me laugh and smile;

Then when my steps would falter,
You led me that extra mile.


You gave to me a shoulder,
For me to cry upon;

You listened when I had to talk,
When I went on and on.


You never tried to judge me,
Or tear my life apart;

You kept my feet on solid ground,
You listened with your heart.


You told me I could be someone,
You made me feel I could;

Do anything, go anywhere,
If only I just would.


Your love is unconditional,
So I give love back to you;

You are the wind beneath my wings,
Your love has brought me through.


[Allison Chambers Coxsey - �1996 ~ All Rights Reserved]

Love that stands the test of time,
Endures the greatest pain;

Standing firm against the storm,
And yet, still love remains.


A calm among the storm tossed winds,
A peace down deep inside;

Will keep that faith alive and strong,
As long as love abides.


Love that conquers anything,
Knows only how to give;

Asking nothing in return,
A love that will forgive.


It looks past any sorrow,
Much stronger than the wind;

The faith that stands the storms of life,
Will be there in the end.


Faith that's given everything,
With nothing left to gain;

Will find the strength to give yet more,
When only love remains.


[Allison Chambers Coxsey - �1995 ~ All Rights Reserved]

"Raising Children in God's Will" [by Rev. Sun Myung Moon]



'The Reason Parents Love Their Children':



1. 'In Order to Inherit the Right of Creation from God':



If Adam and Eve had not fallen, where would they have been? They would have been in the place to be able to get God's blessing, namely in the place for God to wish them blessing. The love of God, the blessing of God, is the most valuable one among all the blessings. What is the next blessing to them? It is the blessing for us to inherit the right of creation from God.


After God created Adam and Eve, He felt happiness. Just as God did, so the human beings can inherit the right of creation and be happy at their creations. What makes you love your children? Why can't you help loving your children? It is because we inherited God's great work of creation on the horizontal level of substance. So we feel the same happiness as God does. Thus, we inherit God's right of creation and God's love.


2. 'Because Man is Within the Range of a Vertical Love':



Man is destined to be born because of love, to live by love, and to go back to his father for love. Now that man originated from the seed of his father, the seed of love, man has to put forth his branches to the world, making lots of relationships with others, and then harvest the seed of love. This is all that man ought to do on this earth. The seed of love is filled with every element of love for wife, parents, children and Heaven. Man lives as the seed lives.


Man whose life is given by God is to harvest such an outcome on this earth as the seed lives its life. Then, man will be reaped by God. What makes parents love their children in this world? Why should parents sacrificially love their children more than the children do? It is because parents are in the vertical range of love and because both parents and the children are vertically connected to each other. It is natural that even animals should sacrifice their lives for the sake of their young.


What makes them do so? It is for them to establish and connect a vertical relationship of love. Man has to build the vertical relationship of love even at the cost of his life, which is in a horizontal position. In the same manner, those historical functions are working in the world of all things and animals, not to mention of in that of human beings. A husband and wife are in a horizontal relationship with each other. However, because love is originally vertical, they also need to love vertically. In order for them to do so, they are required to love God more than they love their partner. Why should they do so?


Love is vertical, while husband and wife's love is horizontal. So if they keep loving each other, they make the horizontal relationship with each other. In the same way, parents should love their children more than they love their partner. Then, they can make a vertical love. If they don't do so, it's impossible for them to make the vertical love. So it is said that you should "love your sons and daughters as you love God" (speaking while writing). Centering on the parents and God, a family, clan, race, nation and world will be connected to one another. Do you understand? [Yes]



3. 'In Order to Reach a Greater Standard and Goal of Life':



Man can't make a relationship by himself. The word, relationship, can make sense, only when there is a condition, which means a relative object. The relative condition means the condition that both subject and object make a mutual relationship with each other. In order for a subject and an object partner to establish a mutual relationship, they should have something in common. Without it, they can't make it.


When you want something, you surely want something better than what you have at the moment. So both a subject and an object are going forward together, pursuing something better in common. We can't speak of a relative condition without speaking of a subject and an object. And they are giving and receiving each other. In giving and receiving, giving is more valuable than receiving. They are doing so for they have some greater purpose. Nobody gives or receives something that damages himself.


The reason that parents love their children is not because parents want some reward for doing so, but because they want to love the children on a higher spiritual level in every way. Then, what is the purpose for parents to love their children? They love their children not because they expect anything in reward for doing so, but because they hope to reach a greater standard and goal of life.


For this reason, parents not only love their children but also they hope that their children will be someone who is needed by the people, the nation, the world and a greater being, as well as by the parents themselves. Parents do not love their children for the sake of the parents themselves but for the sake of something greater. That is parents' love toward their children. (49-180)



4. 'Because the Children are a Reflection of Parents':



Who are son and daughter? They are born and involved in their parents' love so that they are like one body with their parents. It means that your life and your parents' life are mingled with love. Why can't parents help loving their children at the sacrifice of themselves? It is because the children are a reflection of the parents themselves. The children are the resultant substance of their love, the incarnation of their love. The children show themselves as evidence of the parents' substantial union of love. A baby seems to reflect God, his wife... The more often one sees one's baby, the more mysterious the baby seems to be. Mysterious. That is love. So can you dare to be un-filial to your parents? Can you be separated from your parents? [No]


Why do children miss their parents? It is because they are the home of love. On the contrary, why do parents miss their children? It is also because they are the home of love. Because of the home of perfect love.



5. 'In Order to Exist':



When we look around the world of all things, we can find that plants or animals are composed of relative relationships. It means that they are made up of mate and female elements which look different. So is a tree. There are male and female aspects in all trees. There are male and female aspects in each flower. In the same principle, without any exception, the relative relationship will exist in the world of mammals, birds, animals and even human beings.


Then, why should they have such a relative relationship? [In order for them to give and receive true love] Why do you need it in giving and receiving True Love? Why do you need a partner? Nobody has known such a simple fact yet. People speak of a give-and take action, a principle, a harmony etc. ... but don't know about the most simple and important point. What is that? The point is for them to exist, to survive and to connect history.


But for such a relative relationship, there wouldn't be the worlds of plant, animal and human beings. There would be nothing at all. One ought to leave a seed, especially, a good seed. Then, how can we leave a good seed? We can say that one needs a good seed and a good fiancee. When you ask all men, what will their answer be like? They all will make the same answer, "I want a good fiancee." Why? It is because they want to leave a better seed. That's why one needs a good partner. That's the conclusion. Do you agree with me? Probably you have never thought of it until I told you this. From this point of view, when you are asked what the purpose of God creating Adam and Eve is, what answer can you make? Do you answer, "In order to make them love each other and make them a couple," or do you answer, "In order to leave a good seed"? Which?


For what do you love someone or something? [Happiness] What is the result of love? It is the children. Then, what are the children? The children are the beings to continue to exist. In other words, it is the resultant being that ought to exist. Then, why do you need a fiancee?


You may think in your mind that it is because of love. That may be right. But what is on a higher level than that? It is children. The result of love is children. Parents cannot but love their children. Why is this? It is just because their children are resulted from the love with their fiancee. This is how the theory goes.



6. 'Because Love Is Involved There':



What do men like best? That is the most important question in human history. People on the whole most likely want something related to themselves to be the best. They want their family, nation and world to be the best one. Then, what is the most proper way of thinking? It is the way to think in the other's shoes. That's a relative concept. One can't escape from the relative relationship.


From this point of view, what is the best in a family? It is not money, knowledge or power but parents. What is next to your parents? It is your lovely husband and wife, and finally your children. Then, why do you think parents, husband and wife, children are good? It is because love is involved in each part. In other words, there are a parental love which is essential to the children, and a conjugal love which is essential to the husband and wife as well as brotherhood love and children's filial heart to parents.


Speaking of iron, just as a type of iron which has more magnetic elements is stronger in a magnetic force, so you feel a different extent of feeling according to the depth of relationship. So, it is natural that the same brethren are inclined to feel more intimate and love. It is because of the historically close relationship by which they are bound together. Why do mothers and fathers love their children? It is because the children originate from their parents. Therefore, if the characters of parents were taken out of their children, there would be nothing of their own characters left. Whether it is a son or daughter, he or she stems from the parents. One is born, taking after the character of one's parents. Without his or her parents' characters, a child will become a being who has neither nature nor relationships.



7. 'Because One Was Born to Testify to Love':



Why was I born? Why was I born as a man or a woman? Were you born to eat? [No] If so, how sad it is. Were you born to study in the school? What a headache that would be. However, when you say, "I was born to love," you will surely move everybody. Repeatedly, the question is what made you be born. Love is the motive for your birth. You were born by the motive of love as a resultant being of love. Is that right?


Thus, man is to be born and to be loved by his mother and father. Then, why do your mother and father love you? Why do even birds or animals love their young? It is because they all were born as testifiers to love. In other words, all of them originated from love. To deny one's cause and effect is the same as denying all things in heaven and on earth. Man is not allowed to do so. Namely man is destined to follow the way of love so that man can't help loving his sons and daughters. Do you understand what I am saying? [Yes] That is love for the sake of love itself. That's why a mother and father live while loving each other. It is good thing that your mother and father live, being in ecstasy of love. It will be very happy for children that they live, filled with their parents' love.


But, what about American children? Actually, many of them insist that they do not need their parents. Then, what does that mean? To put it in another way, it means they have lost their family, which is the foundation and nest of love.


Why do you think your son and daughter are important? Do you know why you want to love them even at the cost of your life? It is because your son and daughter are the beings who show up in your family on behalf of heaven and earth. For this reason, where is the place that God wishes to go and wants to live in? It is the family. Thus, God has been eager to live in the family together with His sons and daughters.



8. 'Because of God':



Moral principles teach people to love their parents, to love their husband and wife, and to love their children. Why do you have to love your parents, husband or wife, and children? Have you ever thought of this? Man has lost the Master who is in charge of love. God talks about an endless love. God also says that love will remain forever. This love is God's love. You should know the reason and purpose why you miss someone or something. You love someone or something because of God, not because of yourself. Look at the one who loves others because of himself! See where he goes, after he dies.

'The Big Bright Sun' [Poem By: 'WishAfriend.Com']




I woke up in the morning with
the brightness of the sun on my face,

I glanced at my watch and to my bathroom
I did the race,

For mornings are meant to hurry,
mornings are meant to run,

They don't even grant you a moment
to sit back and admire the beautiful sun.

Don't let your morning be like this
try to make it a special one,

For not every morning will you get a chance to wake up to the big bright sun.

The beauty of a sunset,
A morning kissed by dew;

The joy that comes in finding,
All things good and true.


The warmth within a tender heart,
The sweetness of a child;

A loving touch, a caring friend,
Someone to show a smile.


The ringing sound of laughter,
Clouds skimming the sky above;

These are but simple treasures,
God sent to show His love.



[Allison Chambers Coxsey - �2002 ~ All Rights Reserved]

Faith is as a tiny seed,
Planted deep within the soul;

Nourished by a trust in God,
The seed begins to grow.


Quietly it opens,
Like a fragrant, blooming flower;

Roots reach out to find a home,
Enriched by God's great power.


There so deep within the soul,
Faith becomes a vine;

The roots grow deep within the heart,
Each tendril entertwined.


Then like a tranquil garden,
Filled with sweet perfume;

Faith blooms forth is color,
From every fragrant bloom.


Then as the season's come and go,
And blooms begin to die;

There still is life within the soul,
From the seed of faith inside.


[Allison Chambers Coxsey - �1996]

A treasure to be cherished,
A gift from God above;

Is the beauty of a friendship,
Touched by unconditional love.


A love that asks no questions,
Believes in all the best;

Never doubting, ever trusting,
Withstanding any test.


A love that weathers any storm,
And yet that love still stands;

Through the very darkest hour,
It still reaches out a hand.


There in that hand the sweetest gift,
That you can give a friend;

A heart that cares, a love that shares,
That will be there till the end.


A treasure to be cherished,
A gift from God above;

Is what I share with you my friend,
An unconditional love.


[Allison Chambers Coxsey - �1996 ~ All Rights Reserved]

'The sun that shines' [By: 'WishAFriend.Com']



The shine that sparkles up the sky,
The beautiful birds flying high,

You know for sure that morning is here,
And you know that it is so bright,

So, open your wings for another day,
Let go of the fright,

Live this day with all your might,
Because pretty looks every sight,

A very good morning to you
Do Feel Good and New!

'Divinity' Personified?