16. "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

15. "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

14. "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."

13. "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecahedron!"

12. "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

11. "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

10. "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight."

9. "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

8. "Who let the dogies out?"

7. "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

6. "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

5. "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

4. "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

3. "Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!"

2. "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

and the number 1 Line You'll Never Hear in a Western...

1. "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"