yeah Poly i agree to a percent on what your saying BUT you really need to see how LITTLE the COURTS AND CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT really DONT DO. Like HELP custodial parents COLLECT BACK SUPPORT. this is a NATIONAL ISSUE and a BIG ONE.

In OK, if you apply for healthcare for your kids, called SoonerCare, or foodstamps, they automaticly file for childsupport.

well you gotta figure out what type of guy her is and if him being there is a good thing or not.

Trust me on this......that little boy in that pic, is not mine really. i met his mother when she was 4 months pregnant with him. She found out after she was pregnant that he was big into meth. she asked him to change, but he wouldn't so she booted him. she even talked to him after that, but figured he would never change. she has decided to not have him in his life because she was afraid the boy would be introduced into drugs at an early age. The father has no contact with the son, is not on the birth certificate, and might not even know he exists. He knows he got her pregnant, but probally don't care.

i'm not letting a thief around my kids. nor a druggie...

i'd say screw the child support and cut all ties. if you aren't married (depending on your state) it's more difficult for them to gain access.

if i had to, i'd even leave the state.

okay, you asked...... dont do anything!!!! if you dont even know what he went to jail for, then apparrently, YOU DONT KNOW HIM AT ALL!!!!!!!! give it up girl. sever all ties and get on with you and your childs life. safer that way.

back child support, my ass!!!!! he is a convict, like she is going to be okay with that one. get real. go on, you get a job, support this child yourself! you will find someone who will make you happy.

You are conning yourself if you think the courts are going to put someone in jail that long for simple theft. Probably armed robbery or at least felony assault. Probably both and gang affiliations.
This turkey is not going to pay childsupport with no address or job. No employer is going to buy he is a stay at home daddy. He wants to live off your public aid and probably use the baby as bait to pan handle or sell drugs. Chances are your kid is not the first and won't be the last standing in the childsupport line. If you are lucky enough to be able to access a computer you need to look up Family Promise and get yourself in their program today.
If he wants to turn ZERO to HERO he would be on his way to bootcamp, JTPA, or any of the zillion resources that the government is trying to get younger offenders to turn their life around on instead or writing you sob stories and trying to finding a place to land if not with you, your parents, or some other Grandparent figure in his life. Cons no the family shelter programs are cushey compaired to the all male programs.
Tell this jerk you were/are still a minor, put the baby up for adoption, got pregnant by some other guy, or the baby is in someone elses custody and I bet good money to bad he will drop you like yesterdays trash. He isn't going to come up with big bucks for DNA testing fees to prove otherwise and neither will his people. If you must find out the truth for yourself because sounds like there is awhole lot you don't know but the spit of his letter will tell you. My bet he isn't worth spit or he wouldn't have been getting a younger girl pregnant.
You need to be aware He is a lot more likely to come out of jail with serious drug addictions, STD's, and or steroid related health issues, even head injuries. If he wasn't in a gang he will be now.
What you need to do is get your behind in a community college while your baby is still little enough to be in daycare and you have a chance to turn your life around. Since odds are with out an education you are going to get pregnant again and end up on welfare you need to think seriously about getting your tubes tied or at least some type of long term birth control.

Boy Im glad my boys mother never came on here looking for advice. I was in jail once 20 yrs ago and if I would have known i had a child out there and not been able to see them I think I would have been in jail for a serious offense rather then a misdemeanor lol. Maybe the guy isnt a upstanding person but that doesnt mean he isnt the father. Screw getting back together with him but lying to him and your child will only make things worse in the long run. Be it a month, year or 18 years down the road. You'll have to come clean sooner or later and your childs trust is something that you dont want to lose .

Now if the guy is a serial killer, rapist or violent thats different but geesh people not everyone who goes to jail is a fn Michael Myers. People make mistakes and some do actually change. A child can do wonderful things to a person, even a bad ass convict lol.

BadGuy does have a point, depending on how you look at it. Having my kids made me a better person. Other people take their kids down with them. If the issue of visitation comes up, request supervised visitation and go from there. Running and hiding isn't neccesarely the answer. Life is what you make out of it. I crossed an ocean and still run into problems...lol.



BadGuy... ...our kids are what count the most

that pacificstar really made me mad lol (which is why i put up a post on this one). Obviously they are either senile or got burned by a jailbird and theyre mad. WTF drug addiction, stds and steroid addiction in the jailhouse? Hmmmmm think ill make a thread bout that subject see if I can ruffle some feathers....

Well Badguy you might be the small percentage of guys who get popped for something relatively minor and take it as a major wake up call. I applaud you and hope that you lead others to do like wise.
If you read the post she wasn't asking what was fair to the prisoner. Or at least that was my take on the deal. If you read among the lines though I did suggest specific ways he could turn his life around. The military, JTPA, and a job first before he took on a role he wasn't prepared to handle.
Where do I get my info? Try working in a state pen as a social worker, half way houses, women and family shelters, puplic health programs, mental institutions, and a long list of programs that try our best to clean up the mess some people make of not only their own lives but others for as long as some of the folks in this forum have lived.
Do I have a predjudice against all cons. If you knew me before you attacked me you would know that is absolutely untrue. I have more "sons" who are ex-bad guys than I have fingers. Yea I have been burned it goes with the territory but I have hardly quit helping. If you read my profile I think I mention a couple I know I have in other posts. But for the record I have, on my own nickle many times, gotten down in the trenches with anyone, regardless of their record, and helped them dig their lives out. I don't take credit for it because it is only love and money I applied where it needed to be to give them a hand up. The same hand up I have been given and tell others to give. But I have been Mom, homemaker, coach, employer, teacher, counselor, and drill sargent to to young men and women who others had long written off.
I wasn't a candy coated honey everything is going to work out fine baby girl with this teen Mom. I told her the facts as I know them to be. And I bet in your heart of hearts if you lined up most of the guys you knew from your relatively minor brush years ago you would say the same.
I want to add that it is not that I say these things about ExCon's as something I think are necessarily fair or the way they should be. It shouldn't. You should be able to go to jail, do your time and even get help turning your life around. I will be cast down into the pit as a bleeding heart libral when I am actually a traditional conservative but I have read to many case files to delude myself that anyone gets to prison haveing had a totally fair shot at life.
But reality is reality and most that go to prison come out with much greater problems than they ever went in with. They get NO help and often the only advice they get is how to get out as fast as the system can push them out. No education. No place to live. No job. Still or new addictions. And I stand by my statement major health issues. Not the least of which are serious psychosis and head injuries from major over crowding of our prison systems.
This young woman need to know her odds and what she was most likely inviting into not only her life but her childs.
She didn't ask for help for the Father and in didn't sound sure he was the father. She may think he is the father, he may want to be the father, Lord knows I have seen so many desperately lonely prisoners convince themselves they were when they weren't, but no specifics saying she knew he was or he said he was. Fantasizing about playing family and being in a normal situation is normal "visualization" for escapeing a miserable situation more often than any acceptance of resonsibility.
I have reread my post and I do NOT believe I EVER said lie to a child about his parentage. I agree with you that is abusive regardless of who the Father is. Nor did I tell her to down grade the father to his child if in fact he was. I told her to be a responsible parent. Get her act together. And keep it together.
I believe I said tell him and see if he doesn't dump her and the Daddy idea like a hot potatoe. IF this prisoner knew better and was still committed he might think twice but he would be in the jail counselors office checking out his options to prove paternity. That he wasn't around during the pregnancy even if by jail house mail says something about this situation and his paternal abilities. He is a johnny come lately and I stand by my advice.

For the record Any of those of you who find yourself in the situation of Father in this scenario I forward the following advice to you.
First find out if you are in fact a father. Don't guess,don't wish, don't pretend; act. It is painless and the court would much rather know sooner and deal justly then complicate an essential relationship with missinformation.
Second Sex does not make you a father. You know your intent better than anyone else so get that clear in your mind because it is going to be an issue and if it is your kid they want the truth.
Third. Accept that a lot of the job of Father hood is not glamourous, heroic, appreciated, rewarded, or even acknowledged and rarely assisted. Society still unfortuneately thinks you played and you pay but you never pay enough. Fair? No it is not. Get over it. You are not going to have the energy to do the job if you waste it on getting anyones approval. The system that is out there is not just for Mother's get what help you can and get on your feet. Dad's can apply for support, food stamps, daycare, and a host of services in their child's name. You can chose to go to classes and you have custody rights as well as responsibilities. Is it fairly applied in all situations? No. This is the real world again Get tough or die. If you really want to go from being a Zero to a Hero stay in a few more rounds of the fight. You just might surprise yourself.
Fourth Motherhood does not assign Fatherhood. She may have picked you to get the chance at bat but something bigger than they both of you gave you the privilege. If you really need inspiration on how to be a good father look to a Greater Power. It will give you strength when you feel beaten, humility when you need a beaten, and tenderness and peace when you need it most.
Fifth if you weren't around to "be pregnant" so what. Start here and now and work hard to catch up. Take the time to learn how to be a father, bond with the idea, committ to the job and do the labor on becoming a Dad. It will scare the snot out of you but it is a miracle worth learning about and not to be missed. All these guys out here that sound like wimps will awe you when you see what a challenge it really is.
Sixth if you really can't face the whole task still be a supporting Hero and do what you can to better your child's life. I don't support abandoning a child. It hurts their soul like nothing else. But every person regardless of there situation can contribute. Write letters even if you have to hold them for years or send them by emmassaries. Make them feel your pride in them and your encouragement. Acknowledge milestones. Build selfesteem in your child by making it clear that they are treasures. If you can give them nothing else give them an identity. Get pictures to them tell them their history. It may not be all roses but you have something in you that is good. But sometimes keeping your distance until you clean up your act is reality. Don't apologize for refuseing to do a critical job badly. Kids are not stupid and they may hurt that you were sick or absent but they will be grateful that you loved them enough not to drag them in the sewer you have made of your life.
Seventh Real Father's assess their situations when he finds himself in a mess and does the best he can to reposistion his life so he can go forward. Few things can not be undone but death. You can learn skills, clear addictions, chose new friends, get aways from toxic people, and be a better lifetime parent even if you were not great as a "baby's Daddy. It is NEVER about money or a lot of brains that determins a good father it is commitment.
Eight ANYONE can learn to be a great Father and it is easyier to day in our modern world than it has ever been. Look around and pick a few "good" ones. Then talk to them, watch them, read about them, and try some but not all the things you see. Being a Dad is like a Mom. All make mistakes and you learn more by your mistakes than your successes.
Ninth Listen when your kid howls he is communicateing with you. It is not a foreign language you can not learn. And it isn't a put down. Yea the grins and giggles will make your knees buckle but that is only part of the info exchange.
Tenth Be that ten percent that make it out of the system. It is YOUR CHOICE. When you get that ten per cent be hungry for another ten percent. Get a job. ANY job can lead to a better job. Then get another ten percent and be educated. This is the only country in the world where excon's can get scholarships to any state funded institutions, in labor unions, and enter any public library. Want another ten percent? Buy property. Property gives you responsibility but it also gives you power. It can be a desolate patch in the middle of nowhere or a beaten down neighbor hood but it gives you a start at the halfway mark. Go for another ten percent and buy a house. To heck with a car nobody gives credit for having a car but a house can be made a home if all it offers is a mailbox. Your kid now has a the makings of a a real Father.

All I can say is Good Lord!!!Pacific Star...you sound bitter, real bitter.
First thing you said is that she was on welfare and that he just wanted her check...ummm did she say she was on welfare? Or did you just assume that? Just because she is young and a single parent does not mean she is on welfare...good lord!!

I myself think that people do make mistakes. I guess the first question is, has he ever been in trouble before? If not, then this could be the first and ONLY time he will ever be in trouble.
I think you need to let him get his self together for a year after he gets out...let him prove to you that he does have his head on straight. If you are IN love with him and you want to be with him, then try to work it out.
NEVER lie to a man about him being the father. Is that fair? He has the right to know if he is that babies daddy. How cruel would that really be? Even if you guys don't work it out, he does have a right to see that child. If you lie to that child, I promise you...one day, you will regret it!!!

sit down and talk with him and then decide for yourself what bto do without knowing the whole story all you can hope for is speculative advice the person who is going to have to live with the decision is you and your child ..but the one thing i would make clear is that he is going to have to find a more honorable profession because you cant raise a child and have to worry about whether he will be going to jail again. if he loves you he will understand if not than plan B whatever that may be

He is in jail, that means most of his friends probably desserted him. He is reaching out to you so he has someone outside to come home to……..that doesn’t tell you if his feelings and intentions are genuine.

Concentrate on you and the baby…deal with him when he is free.

if it were me, my first reaction would be to have nothing to do with him if at all possible. he is already shown that he is a danger to you both. i would seek counseling on how to deal with the situation.

at the very least, i would only discuss it with him *after* he has been out on his own for a year - responsible, drug free, honest, on his own and self-sufficient. and after i had about a years worth of discussions with a professional counselor on how to cope.

i am afraid this is a disaster waiting to happen for you and your child.

WTF its his kid lol, you cant keep "HIS" child from him for a year then decide whether he should have a right to see them. I mean even a convict has parental rights. Geesh quit with all the legal mumbo jumbo advice to this poor girl (if shes even on here anymore lol). DO WHAT THE COURTS SAY IS RIGHT TO DO.....talk to your caseworker when the time comes. If your child is (and Im sure they are) the most important thing to you then child support is the least of your problems anyway. Let him see the child but dont go back to him less he does all the counseling, etc etc (if you still want him back). It wont take long to figure out if the guy is a fake, if he actually steps up and is responsible for his kid then thats a step (a big one) in the right direction.

don't know what to say, you have a child from him and I can understand your sympathy, but your child is your first most concern, and no matter what he went into jail for, he abandoned your child, find out why he went in. Doesn't look like a good situation for your child, no matter. Think long and hard. Can't tell you what to do, but I'd question his maturity, for sure.

well eveyopne thanks for the advice.....but he is the father and he got out of jail. he's stayin wuth his parents and hasn't even asked to live with...but he wants to be in a relationship...he loves our daughter so much and shows it everyday..he has a job and is makin way more than i have been..but now i don't know if i should get back together with him

Great to hear mary hope it works out Im glad he is treating his daughter right. Screw the naysayers on here!!!!!! A child changes ppl now as for you and him Id just take it really slow and do what you think is right. I got a feeling you'll make the right call..just go slow youre young and your girl is most important.


SO SAYS DABADGUY!!!!