The Fart Chart



1. A vain person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2. An amiable person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3. A proud person: One who thinks his own farts are exceptionally fine.

4. A shy person: One who releases silent farts, then blushes.

5. An impudent person: One who boldly farts out, then laughs.

6. A scientific person: One who farts regularly, but is truly concerned about air pollution.

7. An unfortunate person: One who tries fully hard to fart, but craps instead.

8. A nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9. An honest person: One who admits he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

10. A dishonest person: One who farts, but blames it on the dog.

11. A foolish person: One who will hold a fart for hours.

12. A thrifty person: One who always has several farts in reserve.

13. An anti-social person: One who excuses himself and farts in privacy.

14. A strategic person: One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

15. A sadistic person: One who farts in bed, then fluffs the covers over his head.

16. An intellectual person: One who can determine the smell of his friends farts by the food they ate.

17. An athletic person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18. A miserable person: One who would truly love to fart, but can't fart at all.

19. A sensitive person: One who farts and then starts crying.

20. A happy person: One who farts while having sex.





Fart Your Guts Out

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to
"fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about
"farting his guts out"
until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?"
asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."





Farting Home.

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Slowly, the man starting leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"I don't know," he said. "They won't let me fart."

Very funny. Is there more?

Yes there is one more.

THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and lively reaction on him.
Then one day, he met a girl, and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, ‘She is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this carrying on.’ So he made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and, since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late, as he had to walk home.
On his way, he passed a small café, and the odour of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects before he got home. So he stopped at the café.
Before leaving, he had eaten three large portions of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted, and, after arriving, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly,
“Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight.” She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself, and just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned, and then went to answer the phone. Seizing his opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg, and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap, and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt another urge coming on him. So, he shifted his weight to his other leg, and let go. This was a true prize-winner. While keeping his ear on the conversation on the conversation in the hallway, he went on like this for 10 minutes until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end of his freedom.
He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and, smiling contentedly to himself, was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned apologising for having taken so long. She asked if he had peeked, and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and there was his surprise…
Twelve guests seated around the table for a ‘Happy Birthday Party’ for him.