Where do you draw the line when your raising a 14 girl who has been protected all her life and is in school and hanging around some bad kids and doesn't want to loose her friends. She was raised in a good home and was taught to make good choices in her life. some of the things that have been done I have no control over. the back talking the attitude and the disrespect do you allow to hang around them or would you tell her to find better friends? Also do you think its ok if she shares her feelings to hr friends every time she sees them and give the hugs? what do you do? what do you say?

I can tell you what helped me as old as I am I think it still applies.

Realize you can not protect your kid from the world and start preparing her for it. "Sheltered" is a code word for over protected far too often by fearful parents that have no faith in their kids to prepare them. Or don't want to admit they are lacking in survival skills. It is an ego trip and denial that the real world will somehow be something they can escape.

Fourteen is more than old enough to be teaching money management, going to teen job fairs, having to learn to navigate trips and learn how to maintain a car, teaching about insurances and self health and wellness, planning and agenda, taking a self defense class, volunteering (with you) at a battered women's shelter, crisis day care, food bank, learning what utilities and groceries cost, AND yes learning how to pick trust worthy young adult friends.

There are some excellent Life Skills books that you can read and over line but handing a girl a book on friendship skills and self esteem is just as much folly as handing you a book on brain surgery. Yea it can kick start conversations but support, communication, and practice is what skill building is about.

There is nothing wrong with protecting your kids. It is just being a parent not a pal. In positive teachable moments (that you may have to work to create) be honest with your kids and tell them it is not to make them miserable it is to give them a chance to live long enough to have the information and experience to cope with situations. Tell them it is ok with you to be the fall guy if they need an out/excuse not to be cool. And you would welcome the opportunity to talk about "what if" situations with out freaking out or jumping to conclusions.

Realizing your daughter may grow in areas faster than you like is a fact of life you have to accept. It is hard letting go but if they wrench free from a strangle hold I guarantee they will not come to you no matter how much they need you.

Keep in mind that a certain level of "back talk" and "belligerence" is a necessary part of a daughter weaning herself away from being dependent. A fourteen year old is painfully aware she is not Daddy's little girl and she has to get where she stands on her own two feet before you expect her to get out in the world how ever you define that. It can be scary for them and they may be able to express anger and resentment better than they can say " I know I am going to miss you and you are going to miss me."

If part of the reason you are hanging on so tight is you can't face the empty nest then you need to get serious about getting your life together to do that because if you make your daughter's life stunted to meet your shortages in your life you will never forgive yourself and she might not either.

Bonding with your teen may mean getting up early/staying up later or setting aside your personal life to find time for to share something you find boring that they like or you feel out of your element doing (like make up, learning to dance. learning public speaking) but it will create the bonds that allow communication and faith to build between you. Walking, long car rides, mandatory dinner hours where everyone has to stay at the table everyone media/phone free, having family days, having bed time where the internet and phone go off ( a sleep deprived kid is going to be nasty and have an attitude with the best parenting...if a kid gets overly mouthy make them go to bed thirty minutes early you might be surprised by the result), turning off the tv and playing a board game, planting something, or actually doing something time consuming over several stages builds the habit of communication.

Kids don't learn coping skills just because you want them to have them. Take a class together and model the behavior that helps your kid cope and communicate in a way you like. Parents have two ears and one mouth just like kids do.

If things have gotten off track don't give up. You can turn over a new leaf, and so can your kid when the confidence exists you are not going to bail on it and revert to preach and attack. Start small if things have broken down; never under estimate the value you of a love note or a brief hug to your kid. catch them being good. Praise them when you see them being friendly with kids you think are a better option.

Pay attention to their likes and try to find some mutual ground. Share some of your interests she just might surprise you and meet you more than half way. Some of the kids you dislike may actually have a good side and are just reacting to your obvious mistrust and dislike. Don't EVER kid yourself some of the kids you think are just little darlings are the worst in the pack. If your kid rolls their eyes or doesn't want to hang out with kids you think are nice at least give them a hearing about it. You may find out they are the ones smoking or pulling a Paris Hilton at the church car wash, dipping into their parent's liquor cabinet, slinging dope at the country club, or had an abortion you just don't know about.

Acknowledge to your kid that you know they live in a not so perfect world and they may have to deal with being lonely if they make good choices about bad friendships. Reassure them you will not leave them hanging all alone. If they actually tell you they are over their heads in a bad school setting be prepared to bite the bullet and cross bus them to another situation. Maybe it means letting them live with Mom or grandparents or moving. But come up with solutions together and don't betray them. Running to the school/cops often will do to little too late and only put a target on their back.

Widening your teen daughters circle of friends beyond just her school campus will give her a safe place to land if she needs to not to be over invested in what is going on there. There are all kinds of teen organizations, sports, volunteer opportunities, and even part time jobs to distract them from people you both think are trouble. It is a lot easier for a kid to drift toward kids that make them feel welcome and away from trouble if they don't have to walk home with them, spend every waking moment with them, and have everything about themselves dictated by people who can be way tougher than most parents. Kids don't pick bad friends because they want bad friends it is often a lesser of the evils or no choices.

Asking your daughter what they admire about who makes you cringe sometimes can surprise you. Sometimes the mouthy belligerent kid you don't like is the one that is keeping your daughter from getting her behind kicked in the bathroom or a teacher bulling her in the classroom. Might be someone who is keeping her from being mauled by the jocks on the A team at school.

Kids who drift into subsets at school usually do so because they get some kind of acceptance. If your daughter is dressing grungy or gothic overly anything it is sometimes a phase and sometimes to hide being slow to develop, having acne, or being over weight because parents don't pass up the fast food and actually bring healthy stuff in the house. If you have a 14 year old daughter she should be seeing a qualified pediatrician that specializes in teen girls on at least on a quarterly basis. This may or may not be a OBGYN but she should be seeing that at least annually to make sure there are not "issues" from hormones to birth control to std or even cancer protection. She should see a dentist and a eye doctor. Can't tell you the number of kids who need glasses and or have dental problems that are making them a bear to live with.

Allergies is another biggy when teen girls start decorating their room, buying jewelry (which nortoriously is loaded with lead) and wearing make up or sneaking botox and coloring their hair and nails; especially if they trade clothes or make up. Dads who pinch pennies here often encourage stealing, sharing, or trading ; all things you hopefully want to avoid . You would be surprised how many affluent kids end up with head lice, scabies, and other infections from various activities you don't know they are trying or actually done. Many 14 year old have tattoos and peircings their parents have no clue about.

This is especially critical if communication is "under fire".

If someone seems to have more power over your kid than you do maybe you have to look at yourself really hard in the mirror and see how your kid sees you. If "no, don't, try harder, you are lazy, that is stupid, you'll never get it, and you can't" come out of your mouth more than " I want you to help me trust you, I forgive, well lets try this on a limited basis, so what you failed let's work on this together, I am proud you tried, wow what success your credibility is shot as anyone who cares.

Teens that are overly affectionate towards peers are sending a message loud and clear that approval and affection are conspicuously absent in their home life. Yes Single Dad's do have to be a little more aware that some kinds of affection are not appropriate as daughters get older but there are lots of ways that Dads can make a female child know that they are treasured and cared for and that some tactile interaction is good. Maybe it is high fives, little treasures put on their study desk, or letting them wear your sunglasses but daughters need that level of affection not to fade just because their bodies start to blossom. This is a particular time that grandparents can help too. Even if you think they are a drag and annoy the cr-p out of you the Mother in law or your Mom can go a long way to giving the nurturing that a teen will seek from a peer if she isn't getting it at home.

Like it or not teens start playing around with intimacy with their peers same sex and opposite sex "friends" before boyfriends. I guarantee you if you have a fourteen year old she has a boyfriend maybe likely even an intimate one. This fact goes up exponentially if you are having a out of wedlock private life weather it is in her presence or when you think she is unawares. Lead by example.

Acknowledge too that it is next to impossible to survive in school environment with out friends. You couldn't do it why could your child. She doesn't see you live in a void of friends even if they are just co-workers or neighbors.

And if you will back them up in setting limit's and bailing them out if they miss judge situations you are not making them kick their friends to the curb just be cause you say. Which makes them a ppor friend. But you can give them private signals and safe words to text when they need your intervention. Be as cool about it as possible and ask them how they could meet your limits. Be reasonable if they have screwed up. They have a lot more to contend with than you did. Life is about learning from successes as much as failures.

Recruit trustworthy mutual friends to help you. You can NOT be every where at all times. But you hedge your child's bets at safety if you tell them no matter what if they turn to a security guard, cop, fire station, or other designated safe zones that you will be proud of them for showing good sense and not embarrassed. I will never forget my piano teacher showing up and telling me she was my ride when some friends were obviously loaded and I really didn't want to get in the car and go joy riding. I also appreciated when a cool older cousin stepped in and told me what guys really think when girls let it all hang out of halter tops and hot pants; explained what a "pri--tease is and what really happens to them. I could not have had that conversation with my Dad but the words sure stuck in the back of my head when my overly abundant blessings would have overwhelmed my innocence.

It also helped a lot when someone who was obviously successful slightly older woman showed me how manners and good grooming opened doors for her and could for me. It is a lot easier to keep your eye on the prize if you have more than just parents telling you that you can make it. Sorry Dad it sucks that you saying it is just a given and doesn't hold as much water but that is real life. A fourteen year old is not too young to start having a day at work or visiting colleges. They sure are not too young to have part time jobs be a carrot and a stick for the behavior you hope they will not stray too far from.

Single Dad's can't be Mom's, even when Birth-Mom's might or might not still be around you have to face that having a positive same sex role model closely available is where your daughter is going to turn. You may not like exactly what they get but it sure is better than the void that often exists in "mother-absent" homes as painful as that reality is.

I don't know if all, part, or none of this will he useful but I can tell you genuinely care. Lucky kid. Best wishes.

PLEASE factor in the advice given in the thread above and others is a compilation of years of experience of my own and with hundreds of kids and their parents and in NO WAY should suggest that any or all of the issues that are presented exist in the OP's personal situation because I do not know him, or his child, or his situation personally.

I consistently express views related to forum posts that are for the membership at large as well as the OP.

This is not to suggest that Mingle parents are failed in any way since I think by and large the majority are devoted loving parents that are doing a herculean task well.

I have benefitted greatly in my life from the frank and honest mentorship in my life and now try to return the favor. Apply what works for you and disguard what does not. Hopefully it is at least thought provoking.