I come awake in bed

tired and yawning,

i can't get up.

not yet.

I need to just lay here

wondering

what my life has become.

Since you left it.

There are good days

there are less than good ones too.

I'm waiting for change

patiently, patiently awaiting it,

and therein lies my trap.

I WAIT.

Blinking I get up from bed, slowly,

glancing outside my window.

the skies are grayed

devoid of life

devoid of hope

devoid of happiness.

Impossibly my heart sinks

lower and lower

to depths unheard of.

Part of me needs this,

I know.

This emotional guantlet running

as it were, to come out the other side

as....

what, exactly?

I do not know.

I lay back down again and look

to the cloudy sky

thinking of you

I look to the cold space beside me

where your warm body used to reside

for many a night

and now no longer

Heart caves in

face contorts

chest heaves

Tears flow

I need this

I need to run this gauntlet of pain

this anguished feeling

this inconsolable empty expanse within me

Minutes pass

my heart is exhausted

my eyes are puffy

I blink away the tears

I am lonely

I am tired of being so alone

I long for you....or do I?

Is it you, or is it the promise of someone/something

more fulfilling?

One who is braver?

More mature?

More compassionate?

I am still in pain.

And yet...the thought of you

fills me with something else now.

Something different.

Not hatred.

Not an indefinable numbness

I whisper what Im feeling to the clouds above me,

"Fare thee well."

Hours later, I am taking delight in

the simplest of pleasures.

Eating, drinking, trying to live again.

I longed for you.

Now I long for more than you.

It still gets lonely

emotionally painful, even.

But I always come through it.

With a strength that rivals that of

the brave warriors I read the long-forgotten

exploits of, the samurai.

Not only wil I survive this longing,

I will thrive.

for I know there is someplace

where a warm hand waits for mine to take it,

and it will not let go.



(Comments encouraged and appreciated. check my profile too if you'd like. Thank you for reading)

Yes you will survive and I hope you find that warm hand. Really enjoyed this

Beautifully expressed ((((J)))) !!...What does not kill us makes us stronger...An open heart is a warrior, strong and brave, willing to love again...

Thanks. It's been immeasurably tough dealing with being alone, but somehow, I'm coping.
My writing's been getting better, so that's one plus, I suppose.
I'm really trying though. Sometimes it really hurts, but...if I dwell, I drown.
Sometimes, it's really just that simple.
and just that hard.
*deep breath, long exhale*