hello!
I'm trying this online dating thing again, and would like some feedback from other ladies on how to overcome this issue.
I met a fellow about 5 years ago online, and we clicked. Sweet as he was though, he couldn't leave mummy's basement and we just could not have a mature relationship.
How do you harden your heart and stick to your guns and invest yourself in a relationship for YOUR sake, and not the other guy?
As women, we are for the most part trained to be care givers and nurturers. I grew up with a disabled brother and my career is in health care, taking care of people.
It's a natural extension of my personality to reach out to those in need and to provide care for them, be it physical, mental, or emotional. problem is that when the giving is not shared, it results in a dysfunctional relationship, and I REALLY do not want to get tangled up in that net again.
Any words of wisdom or advice?
Thank you and have a wonderful day!

I've been there to, and as silly as it may seem, i've come to one conclusion that has helped me a great deal, and is what I tell my friends.
You have to keep telling yourself that you cannot help others to the full extent of your ability until YOU are happy.
You have to step back, look at the situation and make certain that you are putting yourself first.
Dysfunctional relationships, in the end, accomplished nothing and didn't help the person you were with either, so, make yourself happy.

As the caregiver personality, you're always going to want to reach out and help people unless of course you become heartless, which I doubt happening.
You just have to, again, remember dysfunction helps no one, and if you're not happy it isn't going to work out.

A stong yet caring woman can attract a different kind of man, even a completely different spectrum, just by putting your happiness on the front burner.
be confident, be sincere, be caring and attentive, but always watch out for #1.

Like my dear departed grandma always said
"In the end, you's is you's. How can you make someone else happy when the one tryin' ca'y'nt even keep 'erself happy?"

<3
Much luck.

Ruth,
Its up to you to set a boundary-how far or how much caregiving you do-(away from work)

I have a very close friend who is in a wheel chair,but also has a terminal illness-which diverted me a bit from hospitality to counselling,so that i could understand this disease and also help her more! Naturally,am a carer,i couldnt do a particular course in school,because advisors felt,i'd easily get carried away(shouldering client's burdens).... By time i made 32,i had given sooooo much of myself to a point that i sometimes felt drained,dried up,till i said,NO! I set boundaries; work IS work,relationships are relationships. Sounds a bit cold,maybe even selfish,but,i have never been happier! The man in my life has to be mature in mind,healthy and able to take care of himself-even if he's in a wheel chair...(actually,most wheel chair users are quite independent and prefer it as such)! This helps my body,mind,emotions to rest-leave work at work!
Your ''man'' needs to grow up! If he's glued in the basement,and you dont feel right about it,move on! I think,the choice is up to you. There are helpless people that really need you/your time/your care.....not the ones who stuck with mommy and afraid of responsibility/growing up!!
Good luck!

Yes you describe a typical enabling pattern for men and women. The issue is to not be drawn into rescuing people who are not self sufficient, instead find people who are already self sufficient and do not need your dependent neediness for you to feel good and loved. Once you can find and identfiy a healthy person you will be able to have a more equitable emotional and fair relationship. Its not the people you are choosing but rather your lack of awareness of what you believe you have to offer and this directs you to unhealthy people whose neediness you find alluring though ultimately disasterous..

Very well said!!

maybe you should think about a guy like me that would take care of you every now and then...

i hate it when that happens...

Hey Moesy, you left the word "care" out of your post

You sure he didn't leave out "bite?"

you sure?

It seems to me that you keep getting caught in the loôp because you are fasicinated with the fact of

being in a relationship, so you put yoûr àll into the relationship, not realizing that the person you are dating pût little are no effort. My advice to yoû is to be patience in your next relationship , wait to see how much he invest before you put your all.:tear

You might be right Hippy!

actually, i think i added an extra word... of...

I'll buy..

This is a good point. Augustine talked about this general subject. Basically, he said that everything external (people, places, things, events) is temporal and fleeting and can never make you ultimately happy.

Expecting another person to make you ultimately happy in a relationship is I believe a sign of immaturity.
You and only you can make yourself happy and that is something I'm proud to have learned.
But is it really too much to expect equal, reciprocal caring and nurturing? I am a giver with a huge heart and I guess I just need to be smart enough to look for a person who will feed it and not drain it I guess.
....and I generally try to avoid volcanoes.

Confoocius say...
A parent is for to honor
A child is for to nurture
A patient is for to treat
A partner is for to give all of the above...balance is the key.
But only puppies are for to rescue.

If you’re familiar with me, you know there is no Confoocious.
If you’re not familiar with me...there is no Confoocious.

make sure you fall for the person and not their situation