One thing I have learned in life is that someone needs to be in charge, -- for the most part. If they are the best person for that job, It is wise to follow their lead and do as you are told without asking a lot of questions.

If they are not, then you have to figure it out yourself.

To be in charge, you better know what you are talking about and take responsibility for the consequences of your decisions. Being the boss and being responsible is not an easy job.

Being the boss just because you want to be the boss may not work. You may not be suited for the job.

Following orders is easy. I only follow orders from someone who knows better than I do, or who is paying my salary.

and some don’t...so what you are saying here is that there are right and wrong answers?

i was under the impression that by asking “1) do you...2) do you...3) would you...?” you were asking us each for our opinions.

perhaps i misunderstood or i’m being misunderstood. i’ll tell you this, if i showed up for a date and she pulled out a pad and a pen and turned it into an interview, i would leave before she finished asking the first question. i would never subject myself to this kind of personality profiling, life achievement assessment or compatibility testing whatever you wish to call it. seems sort of degrading to me and i would most assuredly be insulted.

i just don’t see how answering someone’s check list can equate to “instant chemistry”. say you are given a list of one hundred questions, at what point do the scales tip? at what point does one ensure a second date or guarantee there will not be a second date? is it in the 60%, the 70% or does it have to be in the 90% positive response feedback bracket?

and don’t we find that these responses have varying degrees of importance, depending on the individual we are dealing with...ie. the chemistry?

Subject # 1… Do you return to an ex?

You start dating someone new, and your ex, who you’ve broken up with finds out, and now they want you back, and do everything within their power to remind you of why you are so good together, and they’re really sorry things didn’t work out before, but the two of you know in your hearts you should be together. Do you leave your new lover and return to the other one, or put the last lover on hold while you see if this new relationship turns serious, only going back to the other one if this new one doesn’t work out?

Subject # 2… Do you do as you’re told?

Let’s say you are still abiding by old school convention in your intimate relationships, in which the man continues to hold the majority of sway over his woman/wife, to the point where he advises her on how to dress, the amount of makeup she can wear, her friends she can/can’t hang out with, he requires her to tell him where she’s going and with whom, and that she stays in contact with him via cell/text while she’s away from the house… simultaneously, both partners work and bring home the bacon, and they split their living expenses equally, like roommates do... yet the man spends the rest of his income on himself, and requires the woman to spend the rest of her income on herself… so, in this type of scenario, is the woman obligated to follow/obey the man’s advice about how he wants her to conduct herself as his other half… or can she just do as she likes, ignoring what he wants, because he’s not providing for her financially?

Subject # 3… What would you say if?

We’re here Mingling with people we’d like to befriend, and possibly even become romantically involved with. Some of us, who are single and actively participating on the forums, disclose things about ourselves that we don’t mind letting everyone know because it’s not sensitive information. Plus, by opening up like this we make it easier to become acquainted with each other. And, if in the process of becoming cyber-friends we happen to meet the next love of our lives, we’ll share even more personal things about ourselves with each other. So, what is something about your expectations of a new partner that you two would discuss on your first date? Such as: you do/don’t want someone with pets, do/don’t want someone with tattoos, do/don’t want someone who smokes/drinks, do/don’t want someone with college degrees, etc… this is your chance to put it all on the table so as not to waste either of your time with more dates that end up going nowhere… so what did you need to air to shorten this process?

and some don’t...so what you are saying here is that there are right and wrong answers?

i was under the impression that by asking “1) do you...2) do you...3) would you...?” you were asking us each for our opinions.

perhaps i misunderstood or i’m being misunderstood. i’ll tell you this, if i showed up for a date and she pulled out a pad and a pen and turned it into an interview, i would leave before she finished asking the first question. i would never subject myself to this kind of personality profiling, life achievement assessment or compatibility testing whatever you wish to call it. i couldn't think of a less sincere approach to a date. seems sort of degrading to me and i would most assuredly be insulted.

i just don’t see how answering someone’s check list can equate to “instant chemistry”. say you are given a list of one hundred questions, at what point do the scales tip? at what point does one ensure a second date or guarantee there will not be a second date? is it in the 60%, the 70% or does it have to be in the 90% positive response feedback bracket?

and don’t we find that these responses have varying degrees of importance, depending on the individual we are dealing with...ie. the chemistry?

Once again I have to agree with you right down the line Kevin...As for check lists equalling instant chemistry, that is more than a "little" secret, it's gotta fall under classified information!....In fact, today is the first time I ever heard of it ...I'm thinking either my definition of chemistry is completely wrong or those check lists that equal "instant chemistry" are tattood on some pretty magnificant butt cheeks ...


@ Athena...Would you be so kind as to detail your check list, his too if you don't mind?...I'm curious as hell...

Depends on how good the story turned out the first time.

Sounds like someone who just likes getting bossed around, well, if they stay anyway.

Can she hold a conversation? To hell with the rest of the expectations, I just want someone who isn't going to stare at me like I'm creating a fictional landscape when I start talking about space.

Leigh, I have no idea what you or kc are talking about, as I pointed out to kc.. chemistry and check lists were not mentioned anywhere in any of the 3 subjects posted... so, no, I won't detail something for you that is completely irrelevant to my original queries. But, once again I do appreciate you taking the time to read my work and respond to others opinions about it, as I do value your opinion highly as well.

hi kc… first, let me clarify this thread is titled… “this might be a touchy subject, but”.. I made it obvious before anyone clicked on this thread that the subjects could evoke sensitive responses… second, there is no check list anywhere in any of the three subjects that I posted. Each subject is clearly titled with its own different subject matter, therefore for anyone to try and combine the three separate and distinct query’s as being one checklist to mark off each subject upon answering them while being on a date, is ridiculous. As for my response to your previous remark about chemistry out weighing a check list, we were both speaking completely off topic, as none of the Subjects in 1, 2, or 3 mentioned chemistry either. However, this was the only part of your response that evoked a reply from me. So now, in your furthering response you seem to want to carry your argument into an altogether different category concerning right and wrong answers, as if trying to put words in my mouth. As for the rest of your response where you go into what you would do on a first date, none of this covers any of the three original topics posted, but I do appreciate you taking the time to read them and respond, as you are entitled to your opinion even if it takes focus off the original post.

1. Only if the reason we stopped seeing each other was because one of us moved, have moved back and I'm not seeing anyone else.

2. Why am I in a relationship with my Father?

3. I don't have a list of preferences like that. If I met and fell in love with a man who had a grizzly bear as a pet, I will probably request that it not be allowed to sleep with us...it willl depend on the grizzly in question. I judge each grizzly as they come along really.

#1 too move forward you need too look ahead ,not back...if you find yourself walking on egg shells chances are its already broken.

#2 to conform to another`s will and have no will of your own you will never blossom

#3 to know this answer you would be winning the lottery every time too.

there`s a fork in every road or path we take

I asked my husband a lot of questions about his first marriage because it was all part of his history and past to me...And he enjoyed learning about my past too...Neither one of us felt jealous or threatened because we were secure in our love for each other...And neither one of us felt any desire to "go back" to anyone else...These people were just part of our past and history and earlier life...They were part of our evolution and growth-path and process...I actually enjoyed hearing about how my husband met his first wife. They met at a USO dance. And the first song they danced to was "The Duke of Earl."...Later in life they "outgrew" each other but I enjoyed hearing about their "happy years" together.. And I'm proud of the way my husband handled their "end times" and their divorce...He didn't turn bitter and angry and hateful and blame his ex for all the problems...He owned-up to the mistakes he felt he made through the years too. And tried to learn from his mistakes.

i clearly separated my responses to each question and in no way tried to combine them into one “check list”, so I guess i’m not “being ridicules”.

my intent was not to put words in your mouth, but to gain some clarity from the ones that escaped it. in the third question you said, “So, what is something about your expectations of a new partner that you two would discuss on your first date? Such as: you do/don’t want someone with pets, do/don’t want someone with tattoos, do/don’t want someone who smokes/drinks, do/don’t want someone with college degrees, etc…” i was not the only person to see this as an inquisition. i point you to the first response to this thread. “. I don't go on a date with a bunch of questions ready like it's a multiple choice test that they have to pass”.

my reply regarding expectations of the first date is right on subject here, since you did specifically ask about that, so if i felt i was being interviewed i would simply leave. now that would really be a way to, (as you say) “shorten this process”.

my question to is this, why does it have to be a “process”, why can it not just be a date? why make it so complicated?

I was talking about your statement Athena... I only asked because you brought it up when you said check lists equal instant chemistry...I find that concept ridiculous and I was hoping you would explain the reasoning behind it...No biggie, just curiosity on my part about your work....

Subject # 1… Do you return to an ex?

You start dating someone new, and your ex, who you’ve broken up with finds out, and now they want you back, and do everything within their power to remind you of why you are so good together, and they’re really sorry things didn’t work out before, but the two of you know in your hearts you should be together. Do you leave your new lover and return to the other one, or put the last lover on hold while you see if this new relationship turns serious, only going back to the other one if this new one doesn’t work out?

Subject # 2… Do you do as you’re told?

Let’s say you are still abiding by old school convention in your intimate relationships, in which the man continues to hold the majority of sway over his woman/wife, to the point where he advises her on how to dress, the amount of makeup she can wear, her friends she can/can’t hang out with, he requires her to tell him where she’s going and with whom, and that she stays in contact with him via cell/text while she’s away from the house… simultaneously, both partners work and bring home the bacon, and they split their living expenses equally, like roommates do... yet the man spends the rest of his income on himself, and requires the woman to spend the rest of her income on herself… so, in this type of scenario, is the woman obligated to follow/obey the man’s advice about how he wants her to conduct herself as his other half… or can she just do as she likes, ignoring what he wants, because he’s not providing for her financially?

Subject # 3… What would you say if?

We’re here Mingling with people we’d like to befriend, and possibly even become romantically involved with. Some of us, who are single and actively participating on the forums, disclose things about ourselves that we don’t mind letting everyone know because it’s not sensitive information. Plus, by opening up like this we make it easier to become acquainted with each other. And, if in the process of becoming cyber-friends we happen to meet the next love of our lives, we’ll share even more personal things about ourselves with each other. So, what is something about your expectations of a new partner that you two would discuss on your first date? Such as: you do/don’t want someone with pets, do/don’t want someone with tattoos, do/don’t want someone who smokes/drinks, do/don’t want someone with college degrees, etc… this is your chance to put it all on the table so as not to waste either of your time with more dates that end up going nowhere… so what did you need to air to shorten this process?

Part 1

In the situation you describe, I wouldn't return to a former lover. It sounds like she just doesn't like the idea of me being happier than her and wants to continue to cause chaos in my life.

However, I did once return to a former lover after not seeing her for several years. The first time we dated we were both very young. The second time started out like we still had all the best things from our youth, but had grown out of the the things that bothered each other. We broke up again, but for different reasons. It was almost like dating a new person anyway.

Generally, I prefer going forward in life and try not to repeat mistakes.

Part 2

In my past I worked very hard in my relationships for make things go smoothly. I discovered the harder I worked, the more she insisted I do and the less respect she had for me. I became one of those pathetic men you see following their wives around saying "yes dear" to everything she wants. This will NOT happen to me again.

I now listen to what she has to say, but I'll make up my own mind.

Part 3

I don't think I discuss any of that LTR stuff on a first date. Seems very presumptuous to me. If I met her online, all that information is in my profile. On a first date, I just try to keep things light, fun and moving along.