Three years ago I lost my husband and the father of my children. They were still pretty young when he passed and I dont think they remember much of the way life was when he was still with us (though ill never forget a single moment) But lately my son has been hasseling me about dating and how its not fair that I have a dad and he doesnt. Even goes as far as picking out guys on tv that he thinks would be perfect.

Now Im not against dating. I just havent felt the need to go back into the dating world just yet. Maybe because Im afraid of all the creepers I hear about on tv. But none the less I could use some advice both on how to explain to the kids why I dont want to get into it again.

While i'd love to respect your personal decision to remain alone, i'd also think your young man may actually be prodding you to stand up and live life again. You may definitely have your reasons for refusing to date, but don't you think a male presence around the home could be of use to you as u raise the kids? Please understand one thing, I'm not saying you should simply go for any man, but at least, if any responsible potential suitor comes calling i would advice you to give him a trial, it could be the man to fill in that gap in ur life your young gentleman has probably identified.

Ok This sounds like a case of the tail trying to wag the dog. As a parent you have to stop this in it's tracks.

For one reason it is not your child's place to be dictateing your relationships for you. Wheather friends or romances. They don't have a clue what is good for you , or them, at a young age and they sure don't need the greif or power that will go along if their choices actually are followed and especially don't pan out.

Yes you can take these exchanges as a teaching moment about what is a good relationship and how they develope especially not for the convienence of anyone else but the people directly involve (you and the person you may someone like and eventally love enough to try and make a mate). But sorry Mommy you have a right to make your own decisions and privacy and tell EVEN your kids you have BOUNDRIES.

Kid's will try it, it is kind of natural for them because in many ways they are the center of the universe in a family but it is really critical not to let that take hold.

Why because you are doing them no favors in any of their relationships if that is how they view themself. It gets old fast. And creates loss for your child as people get sick of them and kick them to the curb or worse knuckle under and submissively agressively retaliate.

Depending on the age of your kids there may be a variety of reasons; the one you propose could be one that they are trying to fix you up but the reality is they are smart enough to know if you are distracted you will lighten up on them. Which isn't necessarily and all bad proposal but it is bad if you take your eye of the target too long.

If a kid is picking your "mate" off tv then I have to suggest that your kid is watching entirely too much TV. Why because the people on TV have become surrogate parental figures because someone is dropping the ball. Now before you get all hurt or defensive that you can't be two people face it and do something about it.

Single parents can if they make the effort, and it is a significant effort granted, find co-parents. It may be actually be several people that picked for a special skill or strength. A grandparent, extended family, neighbor, coach, pediatrician, handyperson, babysitter, neighbor, clergy, even a cop or fireman can help teach values and responsibility back up your efforts for careing, disciplene, training, and even entertaining. Make people earn your trust and always check up. Anyone that is willing to do too much with a reciprocal effort on your part then I would be cautious. But firends that sometimes trade off as family friends can be a god send.

But kids that even have both parents need that community back up so if as a single parent you fill some of your gaps and find some balance in your paenting policies that is not a bad thing.

The fear, even the reality, that you may run into some real wanker shareing these responsibilities is there so I would be the last to tell you don't be concerned but even fairly young children can be taught to be careful. You want to limit where and how they interact with your child. Certain things like secrets are off limits. Make it clear to your child that they can always say no and tell you anything that doesn't fit with what you have told them or makes them comfortable. Simple ideas can keep them safe like respecting their swimsuit zone and not shareing their bed or bathroom time. Kids have good intincts and if you don't hand yours over so do you if the person is too connected. Kids can learn from a very young age that they should not be paid off for their loyalty, silence, or affection with things or attention.

I am sorry I don't buy that a kid thinks that it "is unfair that you have a Dad and they don't" . "That" idea came from somewhere else and I bet a dollar to a donut I know exactly who and so do you. Probably a tired grandparent, or potential boyfriend, maybe even a jealouse sibling, or a gal pal that is looking for a pal to chase guys but that may be thinking you need a sidekick more than the kids do. But young kids don't connect those dots without someone putting words in teir mouth.

As far as being ready to date you get to be ready when you are, and not a minute sooner. You loose a spouse you have stages to go through and doing that on top of having young kids is tough and make take time and energy you don't have in a great supply.

Personally I think hunting down a spouse for your kids is a disasterous plan. Any guy that is going to go for that idea with it not also being about something that is for you and him (first) is a myrter and they get really hard to live with fast.

You really don't need to drag your kids through a failed relationship; especially if you were fortuneate enough for them not to be so traumatized by the loss of their biological parent.

Good luck That you are thinking about all this shows you are an above average parent. ^5 to you.

I just want to give you a hug. I have been there & its craaazy. As a parent, I chose to not date or settle. I had no energy anyhow as my child was hyperactive & I am particular. You just have to be careful these days about who you have around your kids too

Oh yeah, the little ones get over it, dont bow to the pressure. My child always wanted younger siblings lol. But sometimes hun life gives you lemons, just be strong & as a widow with a child who is now 13 only you know when you are ready to find love again

PacificStar48 has made some very good points and some good advice. I have spent many years counselling children, youth and their families for a variety of reasons. There are many things for anyone to take into consideration when coping with seperation and or loss issues. Foremost is that of how you, yourself deal with it. Another very important and crucial thing is as PC48 pointed out is that your decision to develop another relationship (no matter to what degree) be your decision. Of course you will factor in the feelings of others when you make that decision, but it is yours and yours alone to make.
Another area that is of concern is what is the basis for your child(ren) statement. This is an area that is very important as well. The severity of its importance is relational to the age of the child, his or her relationship with the father and others, what is happening recently in the child's life, There are no simple answers except that of creating relationships with all based upon honestand truthful communication. Again before you make any decisions regarding your life and relationships, make sure you are aware of the repercussions and concequences of those decisions. But bottom line is that YOU make those decisions.

this is not suppose a be an issue.. You just tell your kids you not ready for that SIMPLE.. Weather or not they agree should not matter to you.. Its your life, if you not ready or dont want to at all.. Then so be it.. They dont have the right to dictate what happens in your life.. So my dear, live your life

Thanks Takeitin8 . Think we could have some interesting conversations. Would like to.