Sometime within the next day or two, I will be viewing my one trillionth dating site profile.

"How is that possible?" you may ask. And well you may. Ask. That is. "There are only seven billion people in the world!"

Yes, but many of those people have accounts on more than one site. And many of those people have multiple accounts on one or more sites. And many people make accounts for their pets, furniture, potted plants, ten-speed bicycles, etc. So there are a lot of accounts out there, and each one has a profile.

A trillion profiles is a lot.

And I still have hopes that, one day, I will run across a profile that doesn't read as if a cat had just randomly walked across a keyboard....

...OR.....maybe they just type with their toes, Lex

My cat said to tell you, Hello. She is a torty and loves lip fur. She is interested in meeting you.

Hello..((((SexyLexy))))

I've tried that, I can't make it work at all! Some of us just aren't coordinated!

But is she laid back and easy going?

I was kinda thinking Frank Zappa's claymation version of "Stinkfoot".

Yes, She has private photos she can share with you.

And she just loves long walks on sandy beaches.

But does she look good in both jeans and the little black dress?

Lex... I want to date ... your... bicycle.

Such sleek lines... such slim built... such bounce... such regal posture.

But wait!! There is more!!!

I like to put my bicycles on a pedestal... then take them off, out to the street, push them to the ground and sit on their faces.

This is strange, but mildly satisfying.

the trillion profile triathlon tryouts.

The trillion club.

The holy trillion.

Breathing profiles in through the nos-trillion.

Profile thrillions and spillions.

But wait!! There is more!!!

I alone am responsible for about five dozen profiles myself. I've loved writing my own profile. It is always silly. I keep collecting copies of them, too, for publication one day.

I have this... secret daydream. It is really silly, and very embarrasing. I sometimes... oh, I'm going to die of shame... I sometimes wish and hope that I will go down literary history as the world best literary profile writer. The man who first put singles' profiles on the map of the literary scene.

There. I said it. Now I will die of embarrasment like a red-faced monkey of literary egotism.

Why are you complaining? You should have been able to hook up with a new couch, nightstand, writing desk, huffy, azalea bush and hound dog by now.

Screw significant others.

You need to look harder.

Or use eBay more.