It’s funny the strange things that run through your mind while cooking but with a ‘look-see’ drink rapidly approaching, I started thinking about my relationship baggage and it dawned on me that I’m not actually carrying any baggage from past relationships....the suitcases of baggage that I am carrying is from what I’m going to call the ‘recruitment and selection’ process of dating.

For those of you who may not automatically get what I’m talking about, this is you realising that you’ve started to treat all men/women like duds way before you have even met them.

This is way before the thought of meeting them in person has even crossed your mind. You may of only just exchanged a handful of emails but in your mind, you've already rejected them and you're thinking about how to get rid as painlessly as possible.

Is anyone else carrying any recruitment and selection baggage?

*remember, resistance is not futile and not commenting is always an option

Oh, I totally identify with this one. From the "selection" angle.

Although it's been years since I met anyone I'd even consider as a dating prospect, I do have this thing in the back of my mind that, if I ever do meet anyone, they're going to lie to me and tell me they don't want kids when they really do.

In my defense, when you've had that exact same thing happen to you 90 times in a row, you come to expect it as an inevitability!

And I suppose this could be a problem if a "real" person ever actually shows up....!

Dayummmmm..........

I need more.....

Luggage!!!!!

yes, but I think mine is reversed

I dont want to ask of someone what I cannot offer myself
because I feel I cant offer much right now, I pretty much exclude the option of 'developing' anything serious with ANYONE,,,


not that Im a 'dud'. but I know Im just not ready and would be interested in someone who is

and I dont wish to be a hypocrite,,

Yep and no matter how open minded you're trying to be, there's this little niggle in the back of your mind calculating how long it'll be before you catch them in a lie.

For me, it's not about not wanting to date someone, I guess it was more about managing disappointment but as I said, I wasn't even aware that I was doing it.

Yeah...classic over thinker me

No. I do realize that not all men are like and I do my best not to assume someone new is going to be like someone I already know. I'd much rather give them a chance to be themselves, which could be someone I end up liking.

I don't like when people assume I'm just like every other woman they know, so why should I do the same to others?

I can not even fathom wanting to date someone that actually lied about having their own children. Regardless of whether or not I'm open to date someone with or without kids, the fact that you lied and denied your own children for a date, makes me think you're awful.

Apologies for the poor choice of word "dud" I meant no offense

Where you're at i.e. not being able to offer much is where I was two years ago.

I think you may have misunderstood what Lex was saying Jill but I'll leave it up to him to explain if he chooses to.

I think he's talking about lying about wanting children. Lex wants to find someone who does not want children and says that all the women he's been with have said that in the beginning, but changed their mind.

Let me clarify this.

I don't date women with kids. Period. When I meet someone without kids (or when I used to, back in the pre-Civil war days -- it never happens anymore), I make it very clear that I'm not interested in a relationship that would eventually LEAD to having kids. I'm a non-parent till death.

Almost every gf I've ever had, has told me, in the beginning, that they don't want kids either. This is important, because there isn't even going to be a relationship otherwise.

But, inevitably, it turns out they have lied. They really DO want kids, but they won't admit it until they think I'm hooked -- usually 3 months into the relationship.

My point in the earlier post was that it's happened so often that it's difficult for me to imagine it NOT happening.

Well, if that's the case then they really aren't lying... it's one thing to flat out lie about wanting or having kids. It's another to change your mind or how you feel about it at a later time.

I know this as well as well but this is about my recognising what I was doing on a subconscious level.

I feel you on that Lex. I've had the same crap happen to me so many times that is truly is hard to imagine it actually not happening again.

You are opposite me Lex. I enjoy being a parent, and will date woomen with kids as well as those without. Nothing like a kid to brighten the evening!

I think we all do, some of us are just more aware of it than others.

Hmm. Luggage or cargo space. I mean when you get infatuated with them anyways maybe if you consider them as duds instead of live bombs it would be safer. Unless, of course, you have enough room for a bomb squad to deactivate them. Yeah. Having a lot of friends is important. Especially if you fall in love to easy. I guess the only way you could get around that is to wear the tee shirt. "Warning, I fall in love too easy." And, of course, on the other side you could have the red flag to go with it, "Warning, I am a womanizer, too." One can never be too safe these days.

Guess it's too late to change the word "dud" to "unsuitable" then?

I hate it when my foot gets into my mouth faster than my brain engages...

Recognising and changing a pattern of behaviour is always better than living in ignorance....at least in my mind it is.