WARNING DISCLAIMER ADVISED: this one is rough. this is very personal to me. i kept going back and forth thinking if i should even share this with you. but you know what? this is me and just maybe someone can learn something from it. if this poem can transform a father into a dad then it has served it's purpose.

Please note: that as dark as this write is as i go deep into this tunnel - that there is an even brighter light comming out of it.

Now without further ado, i introduce to you...





"Breaking the Cycle"



[[holding an uncrumbled picture for all to see]]


see this man with the angriest face you ever layed fearful eyes on?

that is Ken,

the first person to break me down and leave me broken.

my


father


[[thinking back to today]]

this reminds me of a man i met this afternoon.

[[standing face to face in the middle of a community pool]]

i cannot recall how it started though
at one point he told me that any man can be a father.
not every father can be a dad.

[[stroking water from my unusually shorter than normal goat i pondered]]

this is so true and so sad.

thinking back to my past
a poor excuse for a dad,

what kind of man raises a son with hatred?

i guess the same man who was taught the same shitt?

grandpa, i viewed you as a saint.

something i assume my dad couldn't paint.

this is deep.

gut wrenching i see.

feeling hammered
getting screwed
nailed to a
bored reality.

still no matter how many hits and twists and turns i find myself
under construction with no definitve estimation of completion.

in short
i want it spelled out because its not enough knowing
the meaning of abbreviations.

i want to be natural without thoughts of needing medications.

dad, your my father.
why do i bother?

you mentally and physically abused your son, wife and daughter.

yes sir! i don't even want to call you my father.

the more i think about it, the more this gets harder.

my dillusion of happiness is wrapped up in an illusion.

you did a great job at making me feel wrong at was i was doin

nervous and worthless.

was this what your father did to you? whats his excuse?
whats his purpose?

did he teach you this?

grandpa, did your father, teach you this?

passing this down from one generation to the next thinking it
was okay to treat your family like crap
while you smacked your kids?

my father always said he wanted to kick your A$$

where did he learn such hostility?

if you claim you didnt teach him do you think he learned
subconciously?

any hoot.

at a younge age you taught me chess.

heavily intrigued, i studied the best.

bobby fischer once said he didn't believe in psychology, that he
believed in good moves.

i love this mentality for which i can't lose.

hmmmm
i find it interesting how i am seeing two sides of you.

those same arms that hugged me and loved me
my father never knew.

teaching him how to be as though he lived life fearing you.

i presume he was abused
assuming he was bruised.

my father
your son
my fear comes from who??

why am i unlike the likes of either one of you?

raising a son is the best thing i think i know i can do.

teaching him love taught to me from my DAD above.

God, your guidance is really all i need as i know it's enough
to teach me how to father.

all praises due to you for blessing me with my son



Connor



[[smiling, crying, carefully holding a picture of Connor i honor]]

Very deep write.....

Deep and amazing..

Touching and it reminded me of something my 26 year old son once said to me. He learned how to be a good husband from watching his father. All he has to do is everything is father didn't and nothing he did.

Thanks for sharing

Sadly too many of us can relate

I know you'll be the best dad ... great pic with your son. Thank you for sharing!

Heartfelt

Blessings to you and your son. Thank you for sharing your past

Deep and heartfelt write, blessings to you and your son

thank you all for your replies!