First off, this is not an easy story to tell! This is intended as a vent to help me heal and not a plea for sympathy or advice! I have always respected the opinions of others here so please post them.

It still makes me feel crazy so if you think I am you are likely right to think so! My ex hubby killed a man. The guy was stabbed 9 times in the chest and 5 went straight into his heart. A friend was with him & said friend actually grew up with me as my brother's best friend and lived with my family for years and we referred to each other as brother and sister. When I saw the body on the news the next day, I knew who the guy was and called the police to help ID the body. When the ex & friend were questioned, said friend told them what happened and my ex was arrested!

Pretty big shocker for me as I was a sophomore in college and had no job at the time. The ex told me and everyone else that the friend had committed the murder and then told the cops it was him (which was believable since the friend had pulled a knife a threatened the guy a few weeks prior). The friend wouldn't even look at me, much less talk to me and the cops forbade us having any contact anyhow! I assumed that since he couldn't even look at me that he was lying. The case went to trial a year later and my ex was convicted and sentenced to 20yrs. I lost everything but my dogs which the exs parents had trained to fight each other while I worked went to school, and helped his attorney prepare for trial & a car that ran like crap, but refused to quit school because I knew I'd never go back if I did.

I stayed in limbo for a few years and was always haunted with doubt about what really happened! I was too afraid to let anyone know that I doubted him because it basically ripped apart many friendships and family ties and I didn't wanna add anymore hurt to anyone else's plate (especially my own I guess)! I was emotionally wrecked for many years and feel like I am finally putting my life back together now! I got into a graduate program despite the few troubled semesters I'd had and hard as it was I moved away from my family and friends because I just couldn't handle running into certain people anymore!

I happened to meet a nice enough guy while working nights my last year there and we kinda jumped into a relationship and he moved with me. I think trying to have another relationship prevented me from healing from my past one, but I was so afraid to be alone at the time. I finally ended that LTR after 4 years and have focused on getting me back to me again since then. I reconnected with the ex hubby & he wants to give us another shot and I had seriously considered it. I had felt so much guilt for leaving him after what I thought had happened. He finally told me the truth and that it was he that committed the crime and not our friend and doesn't understand why I am so hurt about being lied to! WHY can't I leave the past in the past and forgive & forget? Why can't I trust him? Ugh...He's lucky he lives in a steel effin' cage cause I'd really love to smack the crap outta him right now!

He promises that he has dealt with the root cause of his rage and has sent me stacks of certificates from classes, but to me it will never give me back the years I lost or undue any of the pain I have had to go through (including PTSD, depression, and inability to deal with my emotions for years).

WTF? I feel like such a dumbass for ever loving him, but refuse to let this ruin me as a person and render me incapable of having something great with someone worth it later down the road (I know I need to finish healing first)!!!`I have learned though that my intuition has never been wrong. I know I'm gonna be okay & if that had never happened I wouldn't be where I am today.

I have been advised by a counselor that as long I refuse to talk about this and let someone not involved in the situation see how much it has hurt me (refusal to be emotionally vulnerable) that I am never gonna truly heal from it....so here it is for everyone to see! I know it's a big pill to swallow, cuz I've been choking on it for a while now.

Fire....firstly, a GIANT hug for you....for a multitude of reasons.

and I want to share the reasons if ok with you....

by sharing your story, you open up to feedback..... and in this medium, a fairly safe one...we cannot confront you on the street, we cannot take anything away from you, in you sharing your story.


ok.....are you ready for some tough loving?...if not, then stop reading now...


How is it that you decided for yourself, that you are so incredibly astute and can see the future...and when you didn't....somehow that was shameful, somehow you failed you, your friends, your family?

What do I mean by that?...How on earth did you arrive at the idea somehow you are responsible for your ex husband's actions?

Darling, beautiful lady....you did not know, nor could you have, that what occurred, would....and yet, somewhere in there, you have decided to share the responsibility.

I do understand the sense of betrayal, the horror.... that you loved, and shared your heart, your body and your life with someone who could murder another.

Lovely lady....your only crime was to love someone....and want to believe him.

and I know that you know this...

In our lives, as we mature, and grow, we learnt to accept responsibility for our OWN actions....we learn to forgive ourselves our own flawed human-ness and MOST IMPORTANTLY we let go of what is not ours.

It's time to let go of the past experiences, there is no need to carry them any further, and I feel you are moving towards that.

Be gentle with yourself, honour the woman that you are today, forgive the woman that you were, she knew no better...and stride out into your life, an amazing and worthwhile woman with so much to offer the world.

I apologise if I sound harsh....it is not my intention to.