I guess we al have our dreams of our perfect man or women, and probably try and turn people into what we want.

I had always wanted a man who was there, but ended up with bad boys who wanted to be anywhere but there. I tried to turn them into what i thought would be best for them. but itjust made us all miserable.

Why
I have no idea, I guess I fell in love with an idea, I was 19 and had my fairytale planned.
I hadnt learnt that loving wasnt about what i wanted,

So now i am older, hopefully wiser and dont look at how I can fix someone. Now i am loving completely, without changes, and just being thankful for the wonderful man that i love.

The problem with that is that people put on fake prince charming and princess personalities when they are dating. Then when you marry them, they turn into toads.

Well, it is easy to criticize, but much harder to be authentic, because all of us have stories that we tell ourselves about who we are; it doesn't mean they are true...Look at how many profiles are very similar, for example.

Not to mention that I think we all have different sides to our personalities. I have many separate personalities dwelling inside of this body. Some of them have very different opinions too.

In short, I find it extremely difficult to describe myself, except to say that I have multiple personalities.

Even if they don't, it's better to be alone than to try to change the things that make you, you... 'cause then you've compromised yourself and you won't be happy in the relationship regardless.

Don't worry about finding the right one. You'll know it when you meet her... Stick to your guns soldier. The right girl will love you, quirks and all. She'll learn to love those things that make you, you. 'Til then, just live your life, do things you enjoy doing, and smile as often as possible.

change is good, esp for men

Well, there's a qualifier here. Change, per se, is not, in and of itself, a bad thing -- we all have room for growth and new learning and new experiences.

What I'm talking about, when I say all of my exes tried to change me, was the fundamental, core-root-belief stuff that makes me who I am. The stuff they all said they LOVED in the beginning. And they lied. And if they DIDN'T love that stuff, it was pointless for them to get involved with me in the first place.

And that's the part I'm still trying to understand....

Here is something to think about.

Maybe the single you is fine, as long as you are single. But a monogamous and married you might need to be a bit different. There are expectations when you join in matrimonial bliss with someone.

You can't continue to go out with other women, you should consider community property, and not gamble away your nest egg, maybe going out with the boys every friday night is not a good idea. etc. etc.

Maybe working in your room for hours on end is not a good thing.. maybe your mate or wife would like to spend some time with you.

This are things to consider, even though you think things will not change when you get married, THEY ALWAYS WILL. YOU CAN BANK ON THAT!

..i think what we see isn't always what we get..and once we've gotten what we saw..maybe they just weren't who we thought they were at all..so we attempt to make adjustments..some work and some don't ..change seems to be more difficult when one is young because they have been waiting most of their life ready to experience life without parental supervison..love as a young man seemed more about physical attraction..as we grow older and experience more we tend to look for a mate through a more discerning view ..but by the time we put all the pieces together..we die..WTF...

I ams what I ams and thats all tha I ams!!

That was never the problem. The problem was this: I would ALWAYS make sure they understood, right up front, what I was looking for in a relationship, what my expectations were, what things I would not change for anyone.

They ALWAYS said they wanted the same things.

And they ALWAYS lied. Because, once they felt comfortable in the relationship, they started trying to change all of the things that they SAID they were OK with, all of the things that were off limits from day one.

I've been married. It was horrible. I would never do it again.

And it had nothing to do with trying to date other women, it had nothing to do with going out with the boys on Friday night (I quit doing that when I was 22), it had nothing to do with gambling, etc., or any of that.

It had to do with one girlfriend after another lying to me, to get me to drop my guard, so they could try to change me into a cardboard cutout of a sitcom dad.

NOT gonna happen!

I've always said that communication is the key element of any relationship. But when they won't even be honest with you about what they're going to try to get you to do a few months down the road, that's not real communication at all.

Lex, I totally can relate to you but from the other side of it, being a female. I will never marry again. I found the same thing happened. My husband would want me to fill a role of wife, hostess, housekeeper, secretary, cook, arm candy, help mate, etc. Sorry, that's just not me.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Some things should be agreed upon before it ever gets to that point. And the people who agree to them should live up to those agreements. I've never seen that happen in my past relationships, and I don't expect it to in my lifetime, but living up to the original understanding would be my way of dealing with the situation.

no that is not too much to ask in a superficial sense. But I think it is unreasonable to assume that people are not going to change over time

It is also short sighted to think that partners know everything about each other right away. Could be there are some things about you that your partners have not noticed until some time has passed and they don't like them - in that case , what would you like them to do?

You still have said what it is that the women do not like about you