This should start your New Year off with a good laugh!.... - RETIRED HUSBAND- After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toTarget. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to getin and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she lovesto browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Clifton, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quitea commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have beenforced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against yourhusband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our videosurveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
otherpeople's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading tothe both the ladies and men's restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee toleave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor thatin turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time andcosting the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms onlayaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the childrenshoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets fromthe
bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began cryingand screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as amirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he askedthe clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly hummingthe 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' byusing different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumeda fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

An old one but still funny.