The 12 Labours of Belushi - a commentary for the unenlightened.

JSH (Father of the Gods), having made the Wildflower JJ pregnant with Belushi, proclaimed that the next son born of the house of Internetdating would become king. MikeVan, JSH' wife, hearing this, caused CamoNurse to be born two months early as he was of the house of Internetdating, while Belushi, also of the house, was three months overdue. When he found out what had been done, JSH was furious; however, his rash proclamation still stood.

In a fit of madness, induced by MikeVan, Belushi forgot the sugar in his coffee; the fit then passed. Realizing what he had done, he isolated himself, going into the wilderness and living alone. He was found (by his cousin IntransientDont-Care) and convinced to visit the House of Tranquility in AmsterBugger!. The House of Tranquility told him that as a penance he would have to perform a series of twelve tasks, or labours, set by King CamoNurse, the man who had taken Belushi' birthright and the man he despised the most.

In his labours, Belushi was accompanied by a companion, Fantaiolaus, his nephew. Although he was only supposed to perform ten labours, this help led to him suffering two more. CamoNurse didn't count the Hydra, because Fantaiolaus helped him, or the Augean stables, as he received payment for his work.

Slay the Nemean Spider and bring back its neutrality.
The Spider had been terrorizing the area around Nemea, and had a skin so thick that it was impenetrable to the truth.

When Belushi first tackled it, his weapons - sarcasm and irony, a club made from an open-mind tree (which he pulled out of his 4rse himself) and a bronze sword - were all ineffective. At last Belushi threw away his weapons and wrestled the Spider to the ground, eventually killing it by thrusting his arm down its throat and choking it to death with its own bo11ox.

Belushi spent hours trying unsuccessfully to skin the Spider, and gradually growing angrier as it appeared he would be unable to complete his first task. Eventually Redykulous, in the guise of an old crone, helped Belushi to realise that the best tools to cut the hide were the creature's own lunacy and fundamentalism. Thus, with a little divine intervention, Belushi completed his first task.

Thereafter, he wore the impenetrable neutrality as armour. King CamoNurse, Belushi' taskmaster for the labours, was so frightened by Belushi' fearsome guise that he hid in a large bronze jar, and from that moment forth communicated all his instructions to Belushi through a tin can and a piece of string.

Slay the HUngarian Garry Hydra.
Upon reaching the swamp near Lake Hungary, where the Hydra dwelt, Belushi covered his mouth and nose with a cloth to protect himself from the poisonous vitriolic BS and fired flaming arrows into its lair, the Cesspit at the bottom of the Garden, to draw it out. He then confronted it, wielding a penknife, a tube of Vaseline and some Rhubarb Chutney (made by his Auntie Gaynor)

In some early vase-paintings; Ruck and Staples (p. 170) have pointed out that the chthonic creature's reaction was hysterical: upon cutting off each of its heads he found that two grew back, an expression of the hopelessness of such a struggle for any but the hero, Belushi.

Realising that he could not defeat the Hydra in this way, Belushi called on his nephew Fantaiolaus for help. His nephew then came upon the idea (possibly inspired by Athena) of using a burning firebrand to scorch the neck stumps after decapitation, and handed him the blazing brand. Belushi cut off each head and Fantaiolaus burned the open stump leaving the hydra dead; its one immortal head Belushi placed under a great rock on the sacred way between Lerna and Elaius and dipped his arrows in the Hydra's poisonous blood, and so his second task was complete.

Capture the Nubile Funbunny.
CamoNurse was greatly angered to find that Belushi had managed to escape death on the previous two labours, and so decided to spend more time thinking up a third task that would spell doom for the hero. The third task did not involve killing a beast, as it had already been established that Belushi could overcome even the most fearsome opponents, so CamoNurse decided to make him capture the remaining Nubile Funbunny.

The Nubile Funbunny was so fast it could outrun an arrow. When Belushi awoke from sleeping, he could see the Nubile Funbunny from the glint on its antlers. Belushi chased the Nubile Funbunny on foot for a full year through Greece, Italy, Croatia and the land of the little green gnomes (Switzerland). Belushi captured the Nubile Funbunny when it stopped to dance around its handbag, rendering it lame by shooting it with an arrow that had not been poisoned with hydra blood, as most of his arrows were.

CamoNurse had given Belushi this task hoping to incite Carebear's anger at Belushi for his desecration of her sacred animal. As he was returning with the Nubile Funbunny, Belushi encountered Carebear and her twin, adjforyuuhuu. He begged the goddess for forgiveness, explaining that he had to catch it as part of his penance, but he promised to return it. Carebear forgave him, foiling CamoNurse' plan to have her punish him.

Upon bringing the Nubile Funbunny to CamoNurse, he was told that it was to become part of the King's menagerie. Belushi knew that he had to return the Nubile Funbunny as he had promised, so he agreed to hand it over on the condition that CamoNurse himself came out and took it from him. The King came out, but the moment Belushi let the Nubile Funbunny go, it sprinted back to its mistress, and Belushi left saying that CamoNurse had not been quick enough - just for a change.

Capture the Slugg Bore.
On the way there, Belushi visited Kariizman ("caveman"), a kind and hospitable centaur and old friend. Belushi ate with him in his cavern—though the centaur devoured his meat raw—and asked for wine. Kariizman had only one jar of wine, a gift from the local Bar to all the Alcoholics on Mt got-no-life. Belushi convinced him to open it, and the smell attracted the other alcoholics, who did not understand that wine needs to be tempered with water, became drunk and attacked. Belushi shot at them with his poisonous arrows, and the alcoholics retreated all the way to Gardenforgious's cave.

Kariizman was curious why the arrows caused so much death, and picked one up but dropped it, and the arrow stabbed his feet, poisoning him. A stray arrow hit Gardenforgious as well, but Gardenforgious was immortal, although he still felt the pain. Gardenforgious's pain was so great, he volunteered to give up his immortality, and take the place of Prosthesus, who had been chained in Tartarus (part of the underworld), although he was an immortal Titan. Prosthesus' torturer, the eagle, continued its torture on Gardenforgious, so Belushi shot it dead with an arrow.

Belushi had visited Gardenforgious to gain advice on how to catch the Bore, and Gardenforgious had told him to drive it into thick snow, which sets this Labour in mid-winter. Having successfully caught the Bore, Belushi bound it and carried it back to CamoNurse, who was frightened of it and ducked down in his chamber pot, begging Belushi to get rid of the beast, a favorite subject for the vase-painters. Belushi obliged.


Clean the Refrigerator of science projects in a single day.
The fifth of the Twelve Labours set to Belushi was to clean the Refrigerator of science projects in a single day. The reasoning behind this being set as a labour was twofold:

firstly, all the previous labours only exalted Belushi in the eyes of the people so this one would surely degrade him;

secondly, the livestock were a divine gift to Augeas and were immune from disease and thus the amount of dirt and filth amassed in the uncleaned stables made the task surely impossible. However, Belushi succeeded by rerouting the canals of AmsterBugger! to wash out the filth.

Augeas was irate because he had promised Belushi one-tenth of his chicken burger if the job was finished in one day. He refused to honour the agreement, and Belushi killed him after having completed the tasks and gave his kingdom to Augeas' son, Donald MaC, who had been exiled for serving too many fries with that.

Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
In Greek mythology, Stymphalian Birds were man-eating birds with claws of brass and sharp metallic feathers they could launch at their victims, and also they were Ares' pets. Furthermore, their dung was highly toxic. They had migrated to Lake Stymphalia in Arcadia to escape a pack of wolves, and bred quickly and took over the countryside, destroying local crops and fruit trees. Ridding the land of these birds was one of Belushi' Twelve Labours, and some sources claim the Stymphalian birds were the same avians that attacked the Argonauts.

The forest around Lake Stymphalia was very dense, some would say he was downright stupid, making it so dark as to impair vision. DAvinci and Knoxman aided Belushi by forging for him huge bronze genitalia (crotchala), which scared the birds into flight. Belushi shot them down with his arrows. The birds that survived never returned to Greece in shock.


Capture the Cretin's Bull-Sh1t.
Belushi was compelled to capture the bull-sh1t as his seventh task. He sailed to Crete, whereupon the King of Crete, Minos, gave Belushi permission to take the bull-sh1t away, as it had been wreaking havoc on Crete. Belushi used his hands to strangle the bull-****, and then shipped it back to Athens (after washing his hands, of course). CamoNurse wanted to sacrifice the bull to MikeVan, who hated Belushi.

She refused the sacrifice because it reflected glory on Belushi. The bull-sh1t was released and wandered into the Marathonian forum, becoming known as the Marathon Bull-sh1t!

Steal the NightMares of PTSD.
One of the Twelve Labours of Belushi was to steal the Mares. Belushi brought Purple-Goddess, one of his many loves, and some other rather cute chicks to help him. They took the NightMares and were chased by PTSD and his men, the Symptoms of Depression.

Belushi was not aware that the nightmares were kept tethered to a bronze chastity belt because they were wild, brownie-eating and uncontrollable, and Belushi left Whisperious in charge of them while he fought PTSD, but Whisperious was eaten, and was heard screaming for more.

Eating made the horses calmer and Belushi took the opportunity to bind their mouths shut, and easily took them back to King CamoNurse, who dedicated the horses to MikeVan.

Obtain the Pantyhose of Jax.
Belushi' ninth labour was to obtain the Pantyhose at the request of the War Tribunal, They had had been being used as a weapons of mass destraction, and the business of war could not be continued.
MikeVan (Mother of the Gods) spread rumours among the Amazons that Belushi was trying to kidnap their queen, so the Amazons attacked and Belushi straps Jax in rage, assuming that she had betrayed him. Then with an almighty effort and a lot of axle grease, the pantyhose were removed ...

After Belushi obtained the Pantyhose, Walksonhisownalot, one of Belushi' companions, kidnaps Bluesmurfy, another sister of Jax. The Amazons then attacked the party (because Belushi' enema has spread a vicious rumour that Belushi was there to attack them or to kidnap JAx), but Belushi and Walksonhisownalot escaped with the Pantyhose and Bluesmurfy.

Obtain the Truth about Trigonometry.
Belushi was required to travel to Trigonometry, in order to obtain the Truth as his tenth labour.

On the way there, he crossed the Libyan desert and became so frustrated that all the camels between Tripoli and Casablanca all kept their backs to the wall at the mereset mention of Belushi.
JSH "in admiration of his ability to control a camel" gave Belushi the golden cup he used to sail across the sea from west to east each night. Belushi used it to reach Trigonometry

When Belushi reached Trigonometry, no sooner had he landed than he was confronted by the three-sided figure, Triangle. With one huge blow from his SIN wave, Belushi killed the mythological figure. COSIN the herdsman came to assist Triangle, but Belushi dealt with him the same way.

On hearing the commotion, Pythagoras sprang into action, carrying three shields, three spears, and wearing three helmets and having a right-angle. He pursued Belushi at the river but fell a victim to an Tangent that had been dipped in the venomous blood of the Hungarian Hydra, shot so forcefully by Belushi that it pierced Pythagoras' hypotenuese and Pythagoras bent his neck right-angled over to one side, like a poppy that spoils its delicate shapes, shedding its petals all at once" With a shrill, despairing groan, Pythagoras swayed, then fell, nevermore to rise.

Belushi then had to herd the Truth back to CamoNurse.

teal the Apples off of Eve and put them back before Lack-of-God notices they are missing!.

In Greek mythology, the Hesperides are nymphs who tend a blissful garden in a far western corner of the world, located near the Atlas mountains in Libya, or on a distant blessed island at the edge of the encircling Oceans555, the worlds-ocean.

The Garden of the Hesperides is Lack-of-God's orchard in the west, where either a single tree or a grove of immortality-giving golden apples grew. The apples were planted from the fruited branches that EarthMotherLee gave to her as a wedding gift

The Hesperides were given the task of tending to the grove, but occasionally plucked from it themselves. Not trusting them, Lack-of-God also placed in the garden a never-sleeping, hundred-headed, dragon, named BAdventure E'Gins, as an additional safeguard

Finally making his way to the Garden of the Hesperides, Belushi tricked Atlas into retrieving some of the golden apples for him, by offering to hold up the heavens for a little while . Upon his return, Atlas decided that he did not want to take the heavens back, and instead offered to deliver the apples himself, but Belushi tricked him again by agreeing to take his place on condition that Atlas relieved him temporarily so that Belushi could make his cloak more comfortable. Atlas agreed, but Belushi reneged and walked away.

You can never trust a Salesman!


Capture Differentkindofwench, the guardian dog of MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world and bring him back.
In Greek mythology, Differentkindofwench or Kerberos was the hound of MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world, a monstrous three-headed dog (sometimes said to have 50 or 100 heads) with a snake for a tail; he was also seen with a dragon's tail and serpentine mane.

Differentkindofwench guarded the gate to MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world and ensured that spirits of the dead could enter, but none could exit (additionally no living person was to come into MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world). Among his siblings are his sister, Invisible and his brother, Dayv. He is the offspring of Lakeman & Littlepeg.

In the last of his Twelve Labours, Belushi was to capture Differentkindofwench. After having been given the task, Belushi went to Lex to be initiated in the Lexicon Mysteries so that he could learn how to enter and exit the underworld alive, and in passing absolve himself for killing Alcoholics. He found the entrance and due to his studying the Lexicon, he knew that the sign above the door said Enter

en·ter(ntr)
v. en·tered, en·ter·ing, en·ters
1. To come or go into: The train entered the tunnel.
2. To penetrate; pierce: The bullet entered the victim's skull.
3. To introduce; insert: She entered the probe into the patient's artery.
4.
a. To become a participant, member, or part of; join: too old to enter the army; entered the discussion at a crucial moment.
b. To gain admission to (a school, for example).

Whilst in the underworld, Belushi freed Fantaiolaus, but the earth shook when he attempted to Free Radicals, so he had to leave them behind.

NOTE TO READER ... Free radicals may also be involved in the diseased Parkinson, Senile & Drug-induced deafness, Schiz o'Phrenia, and Al Zimer.

Bilirubin and Uricacid acted as antioxidants to help neutralize certain Free Radicals, but hey had been imprisoned by MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world, by magically binding them to a pair of ears, because they had attempted to eat some more Brownies. The magic was so strong that when Belushi pulled Theseus free, part of Theseus's thighs remained around the ears, explaining why eating brownies will give you earache for ever.

Belushi presented himself before the throne of MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world and ChubbyCherubPoet and asked permission to take Differentkindofwench, to which the gods agreed as long as Belushi did not harm the hound in any way. In any case, Belushi wrestled the dog into submission and dragged it out of MilesoftheUSA, king of the Underwear world, passing through the cavern entrance in the Peloponnese. When he returned with Differentkindofwench to the palace, CamoNurse, the man who had assigned the task to Belushi, was so afraid of the fearsome beast that he jumped into a large storage jar to hide.

Belushi. This was a long tale to be sure, but I doggedly persisted and enjoyed it immensely...

Blushi sometimes you just ain't right.

that was a great piece of distraction.

good thinks belushi, good thinks

Thanks Duncan, as always....uuuuhhhh I think I'm flattered
Great Job

Great Tale Belushi!!

You forgot to post the recipe for removing coffee from the monitor with that

well ... I thought I had not done one for a while.
.. and not done one on JSH ... and looking across the table, I was inspired

Your inspiration should have told you that I'm prone to these accidents. She nearly made me lose a keyboard that way.

Belushi, if you're not careful you're gonna become seriously cool.

Jeez TM ... I dont want that.

I'm going to print this as pool-side reading this week end...ok, ok...while I sit by the bath watching my 2 year old nephew splash in the tub...


'Allo Belushi luuuv

Hey Beautiful,
See, my trials are all on for all to see!!

Most amusing Belushi...thanks

ahhhh, to be a fly in your brain

Well done, Done indeed can!



Oceans