hey guys please critique me... wondering if these r interesting to ne one but myself

feel the saddness and pain

as i write my thoughts on the wall

they come to life like once before

when i lived them and the world began to fall

friends and lovers, i once had too

but now they are just pen marks,

on this open, empty, white wall



and as the walls begin to fill

and seem to be more black than white

someone walked in the room

and everything became snow white

a new world right here

and a clean slate, with which to write



after seeing all that pain

and receiving a whole new wall to fill

i thought this gift deserved something more

than dark thoughts from and upward hill

so i'll fill this wall up one more time

but with colors of blue yellow and teal



so see my world how u choose

but know the words that i have said

can only be seen from within my head

for my walls are mine to see



.

I like it.... good presentations of words, thoughts, and feelings.

thank you very much! i really appreciate that

ahhh...the walls... if only they could talk. nice. welcome to the creative writes!!

i love writing about the walls. most curious part of this world. and thanks for the welcome, makes me feel like i'm part of a group

Welcome to our playhouse

Let me start off with this…

I like the piece, were you went with it and what it says to me

Now the critique, since you asked…

In the first paragraph you have an issue with your singulars/plurals as they relate to the second part
You went from wall to walls without a bridge… (So to speak) (Easily fixed)

In the second part you used the word “begin” which (to me) means that the process in still under way or in the present, but then you used “walked” and “became” and I believe those speak to the past tense.

The third part just needs one small thing changed. The word “and” that comes before upward should be “an”

In the last part you put “u” instead of writing the word “you” why? Nothing in the rest of the piece is abbreviated or said in slang/text speak I would change that as well. Lastly, consider dropping the word “from” in the next to last line. I think it is implied if not understood without having to say it; it might even bring a smoother cadence.

I know it seems like I am slamming you, but I’m not. Like I said, I enjoyed the write. This is just my opinion and to be taken only as such.

thank you very much actually. i asked for the critique, i appreciate someone actually doing that. sometimes i have trouble with the grammer portion.
lol and p.s. in your third line it should be "where" not "were"
hahaha just kiddin with ya

haha!!

you are so right....hey, i never claimed to be perfect

thanks for pointing that out!

haha ne time!