Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*** he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take s*** from anyone.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f***ing beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never f***s up.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f*** Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms…until he rips them from your torso.

Chuck Norris once killed a Head-On ad exec with a roundhouse kick applied directly to the forehead.

When Chuck Norris wants a Klondike Bar...nobody makes him do a ****ing thing...

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes...he steps on necks!

Chuck Norris does not have blood....he is filled with liquid hot magma...

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes...

Superman's weakness is Chucktanium....

Kim-Jong Il lost a bet with Chuck Norris and may never take off his UPS suit as a result...

Chuck Norris is the reason Bigfoot is always hiding...

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag, he potato sacks



He can blow bubbles with beef jerky.



Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling bang.

Chuck Norris Can Believe it's Not Butter....

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

He can order a Big Mac at Burger King and get it.

You cant even google Chuck Norris! You dont look for Chuck he finds you!

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too damn bad he never cries.

The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut his lawn. He just stands on the porch and dares it to grow!

chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding..

chuck norris doesnt need twitter...he is already following you!!
His punches leave exit wounds...

Chuck Norris can urinate into gale force winds and not be soiled.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry

Chuck Norris can play Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and still win

If you spell chuck Norris in scrabble you win.....forever

Chuck norris can beat a gay man strait.

"There was once a 51st state, known as New Idaho. It has not been heard of since it snubbed Chuck Norris as governor and was roundhouse kicked into a parallel dimension, along with Chuck's virginity and the last sonofabitch that overcooked his panda bear steaks. Chuck Norris eats his panda raw. "


"M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. "

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.
If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may only be seconds away from death!


When you open a can of Whoop ***, Chuck Norris jumps out

recently chuck norris woke up with a case of morning wood, and before the condition had fully subsided, he started his morning jog. There were no survivors.

sharks have chuck norris week.

when chuck norris crosses the street cars have to look both ways

superman wears chuck norris pajamas

chuck norris can remove the tags from new furniture

Chuck Norris doesnt always drink beer but when he does it is served by the Dos Equis guy in a dress


Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages, he leaves warnings!

Funny.

Too bad he has bad politics after all that.

Speak Braille.