two years ago i was given
a gift

an amount i was not used too.

i starting getting an itch.

the itch turned into a scab.

never satisfied, i'd scratch.

stress picking...

whenver i thought about
this gift i was given,
using, and losing.

stress picking both
in the physical
and financial sense....

i can only compare it to a drug addict
who wins a lottery suitable enough
to live on and have fun with
until the drugs are all gone.

gambling and knowing that
no matter what happens
this is it.

letting it,
it being me, ride.

rambling, this is it.

in all the obviousness
the drugs out lasted, the ends.

the ends had no good means.

it all worked against me.

taking the good side of life
and becomming that guy.

the one you pull your little kids
closer to

when i pass by you
in the same grocery aisle.

the guy who showers and shaves
whenever
he feels like it.

the guy who dresses half his age
and starts to realize its not as cool
as it used to be to fit out when i was
trying to fit in when i didnt want to have
any part in this structured society of
waxed teeth
smiley faces.

this revolting person who i want to be but i really dont want to be
because no one really likes me, pisses me off....daily...i get so pissed
with a self conflicting, ever so torturing, jealous-ness....

i dont want it to be this way, i say.

i didnt want what i thought to end.

what i thought i would do changed.

outrunning a rerun, reran.

watching the commercials and
buying into what i was doing was
relaxing.

proof that 'killing time' is
a negative outlook on
life.

i thought it wouldnt matter.

that i am just going to die anyhow
so why try for something you cannot
get back.

like writing nothing
conveying something
of disinterest.

what then
when i could have easily started
typing with two fingers knowing
i am making this work.

its, not perfect, but its me.

and me here is better
off

then me there
or anywhere
where i have no say....
.......................
.................

i am......
ready.

I'm ready Baby!

"its, not perfect, but its me."

As I read..many things stuck-out to me,but this, the most.very heart-felt.