It's almost embarrassing, the simple joys that bring tears of joy to my eyes these days and these times...

I just need an honest hug, heartfelt true and deep. And I need them to keep coming...not to ever go away, to soothe my soul.

Let me look into eyes that will engulf me and protect me, eyes that love me, without hesitation or worry. I am pathetic right now, mop me up off the floor already.

I need love...in all it's forms...laughter, smiles, touch...I keep waiting, I keep looking, keep my chin up, I do. But right this very moment, I feel defeated...and tired of putting on a cheerful face, and reminding myself...of that "someday". I don't do that to mask me from people, I do it to continue existing.

I saw that vision yesterday...yesterday I saw something I didn't think existed...and allowed myself to open up to the possibility of that ideal. It was all in my head...oh I did taste of it...and allowed my beautiful mind to imagine me there forever...it's a beautiful place...it was almost real. I needed it too much.

It's not fair...the child within cries. You cannot make someone love you. You never have been able to. You've played the disappointment game with yourself one too many times...preparing for the worst that may be coming, pushing those rejection pains deep down and away from sight. You're just not good enough...or, they're just not worthy enough for you... or broken themselves. Either way...the end is the same...you're alone...again.

Where's the grace in all this? I'm more graceful than this, but I'm seething too. These two states cannot co-mingle in me right now. See...a purge, simple, heartfelt...angry, sad, lonely...all now mostly excised from my mind and my heart. Tomorrow, you would be surprised to know...I will feel much better...and will continue on my search for that "someone" and that "someday", as I always do. Adieu.

Nice...