I could tell some more jokes.

ok, fire away

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls ou ut a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn t pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Is this mike on.




Little Johnny came running into the house bawling his eyes out and cradling his hand.
"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked his mom.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it.

"OUCH! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" he whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked Little Johnny's increasingly perplexed mommy, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

two condoms walking on the street...anyone heard of it?

ok Jeff, I think it's working..keep it up..

no, go ahead..

actually i decided not to tell...lol. it's just terrible. The forum can't take it.

oh just tell it, no one is in this thread right now but me and Jeff...
if it gets deleted, it gets deleted..

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly and sweetly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lovey dovey little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite nite yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your precious nosey-wosey all right? Let me help my sweetie sugar."

No harm is done, so she gets into bed and they make mad passionate love. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy biotch".

alright here is more forum friendly joke.

The pirate captain has a parrot, that drinks his rum all the time

So the captain docks his ship in a bay and tells his parrot:

-Now you listen to me boy. I'm gonna get off this ship, I'll be back in a few hours. If you drink the rum in my room, I'm gonna tear all your feathers out! Do you understand?

The parrot moves his head signaling he understood.

A few hours later the captain comes back, opens the door.

Sees the parrot is drunk as a skunk and ripping out all his feathers on his own and says:

-F.ck. all this feathers, I don't need them anyway!

lol, I heard another version of this.. it's about aspirin though..

The Magician and the Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

oh gawd...what a prick...

ha...

OMG.....chit..

ok, I'm laughing out load now and my Dale is sitting here watching Star Wars and telling me to be quiet....

alright..

2 condoms walking on Broadway. The stop by a gay bar and one asks the other:

-Hey you wanna go in?

The other replies:

-No man...I don't feel like getting sh.tfaced today.

ewwwwww

Keep em coming...I'm gonna fill up my Sangria glass...
Where did everybody go Jeff? Must have went to bed aye?