how can you completly change the type of people you date when most people wont give you the type of day? what does it take to find a person who is respectful and knows how to treat someone instead of going through the same abusive relatioship?

takes a lot of patience
takes not settling
takes not putting yourself through any undue stress or timeline

things happen when they are meant to happen

join the forum
make friends
share ideas
advice
jokes
laughs

and have fun

good luck

I don't think relationships are about changing the other person you are looking to be with. You should find out all about that person and decide if it is worth it for you to put up with what you don't like about them or move on. You don't have to settle for abuse, you can move on. Just like buses, another one will be by in 15 minutes. Don't sell yourself short girl, eventually you will find someone that fits your personality.

It takes a ton of time getting to know different before you commit to someone in any way, like sex, relationship, marriage.


And then.. thats only upping your chances, and nothings guaranteed.


You have to be up for the challenge, and be realistic that it may never ever happen permanantly.

I think a good relationship starts with you. You have to decide that you are no longer willing to accept the abusive relationships. You can never force a person to change. It's ok to set standards for yourself as long as they are reasonable. Usually, the right person comes along at the most surprising time.

Nicely put

A long time ago, I heard a shrink say that people essentially repeat behavior because there is a payoff, they get something out of it.

Take a real hard look at yourself, and find out why YOU keep picking losers.

Good Luck.

Exactly!!!!!

To reach the good apple sometimes means encountering a few bad apples on the way.

i met these people some time ago and was friend with them before i ever thought of dating them. however the abuse didnt start until several months into the relationship.

Like when you buy a used car and the transmission or electrical breaks down several months later. Damned car salesmen.

Abuse is a very complex issue. I'm sorry you have experienced it...whether physical, emotional or both,
Some people - often those who are shy - are often drawn to those who like to control others. Whjle sensitive to the issues, I never really understood certain aspects until a couple years ago. I wrote a book on separation, divorce and property settlement...interviewing more than 200 women nationwide. It was an eye-opener for me...and, indeed, changed my life. Embrace yourself...know that you didn't cause the problem. Controlling people - mostly men - demean, degrade and often destroy others. It is gut wrenching to endure, and so many people, again - often men - who ask, accusingly "How could you stay?" They don't understand the dynamics. Don't be reticent to contacts and join a support group...seek counseling...often free. And please know that not all men are abusers. Love yourself...and eventually you'll find someone who loves you, too. I wish you much happiness...

I see you've been here for more than a year and had three posts...glad you're involved...welcome. There are some good folks here...and it appears you're one of them. Good luck!

we tend to pick what we're used to according to how we feel about ourselves..look inside yourself first and learn to be ok with and like who you are..then you will start to attract the right people

Gator, you may want to write a sequel to your book, which addresses the other side. Namely controlling, abusive women. Yes, I said it. They're out there, don't believe the gender preconceptions. I'll bet you'll find some really good data out there. I lived to tell the tale, and I'm much better off now, than I was 4 months ago. My chains are broken, I am free!

Perceptive...Thanks...my publisher has already asked. :)

you can start by stopping blaming men for the dumb choices you make.
both men and women on this site are looking for a happy person. you sound nothing like a happy person. your "same abusive relationships" are the very definition of baggage. were i you i would leave this site, deal with your past, lose the baggage and when you're happy on your own come back and make better choices in men. the good ones will be all over you then.

I've read a lot of good advise here. It is true, you must first love yourself, and you do need to do a self analysis. (Emotional Alchemy; How the mind can heal the heart, is a very good book for that)I guess the one other piece of advise I'd have that I haven't seen yet, is you must be able to see the signs of abuse in a person. They are always there, some little red flag that points to control,; they may not be there right away, so don't jump into anything to quickly because eventually they will surface. Besides the obvious red flag...the eyes are the key to the soul.