This is long but interesting, wondering other's thoughts on the various issues brought up.

Why you should snoop on your spouse online
Sex therapist Ian Kerner says it might be painful, but it’s better to know
By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 3:38 p.m. ET, Thurs., Sept . 17, 2009
After writing a column last month on the subject of Facebook and why you should unfriend your spouse, I received no shortage of e-mails — many of which were from people who vehemently disagreed with me — and so I thought it would be worthwhile to address the subject of Internet infidelity in greater depth.

While I was trying to make the point that too much familiarity can be bad for a relationship, and that social networking sites like Facebook sometimes bring a degree of proximity (and banality) into relationships that works against the sense of mystery we also need to cultivate, many thought I was saying that Internet infidelity is not a real threat and that we should turn a blind eye to our partner’s digital wanderings.

Quite the contrary, I think that Internet infidelity is one of the biggest issues that couples face today, and with digital technology increasingly playing a role in divorce, we have to be all the more vigilant. The Internet is still a relatively new technology and there isn’t a clear relationship rule book on how to use it. In many situations, snooping isn’t a pleasant choice, but it’s the right choice.

Is emotional infidelity worse than sex?
Like cell phones and hotel rooms, the Internet is a facilitator of infidelity, rather than a direct cause of it, but it’s increasingly a catalyst for a particularly pernicious strain of cheating: emotional infidelity.

Emotional infidelity often takes the form of a flirty friendship with someone of the opposite sex, in which many of the characteristics of a sexual relationship are present, but without the sex. At least, for the moment. According to the late Shirley Glass, whose book “Not Just Friends” still remains the classic treatise on the subject: “Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.”

Glass also implores us to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.” But with the threat of the Internet, it’s not just windows and walls we need to worry about, it’s also leaks and seals. The No. 1 danger of Internet infidelity is not that it could lead to actual sexual infidelity, but that it so easily diverts precious emotional resources away from one’s core relationship. With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners, when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on.

So back to the question, what do you do when your gut is telling you that’s something wrong? Should you snoop? I personally believe that in a committed relationship there should be nothing to hide. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect your partner’s privacy, but I think that that respect first and foremost demands a foundation of trust. As an example, I have one password for all of my various e-mail accounts and my wife knows what it is. Does she ever use it? I doubt it, but she’s welcome to sift through my e-mails anytime she likes. That’s what trust is all about: having nothing to hide and being able to respect each other’s privacy. One can’t exist without the other.

To snoop or not to snoop?
But what about when trust is not a given in your relationship, and you’re worried that your partner might be engaging in behaviors that you’d consider inappropriate?

Before you snoop or dig around, ask yourself a few questions:

Does your spouse spend way too much time on the computer and other digital devices such as a cell phone or smart phone? Is he/she secretive about it? For example, is your spouse comfortable leaving his/her Facebook page or e-mail open when not at the computer?


Is your spouse in touch with former flames or members of the opposite sex via a social networking site such as Facebook? If so, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like you don’t know what’s going on, that these “friendships” aren’t out in the open?


Does your partner call you paranoid when you bring up the subject and insist on his/her right to privacy?


Is your spouse a flirt when you’re out in public?


Has your sex life changed as of late (as in you’re having less of it)?


Does your partner criticize or joke at your expense when you’re out in public or make negative comments about your relationship to others?


Is your gut telling you that something’s wrong?

Depending upon how you answered these questions, it might be time to snoop, especially if you’ve tried to talk about your concerns with your partner but have been stonewalled. Hopefully there will be nothing to discover and you’ll be able to breathe more easily and more coolly examine why you had suspicions and where you might be able to improve your relationship.

But it’s also possible that you could find something that bothers you, but doesn’t bother your spouse. Emotional infidelity is murky territory. A 2008 study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy explored how men and women perceive online and offline sexual and emotional infidelity. The results showed that men felt sexual infidelity was more upsetting and women felt emotional infidelity was more upsetting.

That means that there’s lots of room for disagreement on this subject of emotional infidelity and that many men do not think a flirtatious friendship constitutes cheating. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue. Just because your spouse isn’t interested in taking a flirtatious friendship to the next level doesn’t mean the other party feels the same way, and he may not even realize he’s down the path of emotional infidelity.

Nobody likes to be snooped on, but nobody likes to snoop either. Neither position has the moral high ground, and ultimately a loving couple can make themselves stronger and better through a meaningful dialogue around these issues. This could be the opportunity to establish definitions and set boundaries that you both agree on.

And what if you find something that really bothers you, like a seriously flirtatious friendship or proof of sexual infidelity?

It’s painful, but better to know than not, in my opinion. Be glad that you snooped

One of my favorite Dr. Philisms is "a person with nothing to hide hides nothing".

If I felt something was wrong, I'd have to just ask. And if I was not happy with the answer, well... a person's gut instinct is rarely off base. I don't think I could snoop without ruining the relationship. Without communication, respect, and integrity, well, without that I cannot have any sort of real intimacy.

This was a very interesting article.

I tend to agree with you about the snooping, it's not something I think I could bring myself to do. Especially as I sometimes have a tendency to be a little insecure (something I work on). Much as I don't particularly care for Dr. Phil, I do tend to agree with that statement. Myself, I'm an open book, I leave everything open on my desktop, mail laying all over, my phone calls are there for the listening, etc.

One thing I was curious about, though, was the part about the emotional infidelities of online relationships, whether men and women do tend to see them differently. I know that while some online flirtation is ok (within boundaries), if I feel it's become too intimate, I definitely have a problem. Most of my guy friends, though, tend to see it as just a casual, friendly kind of thing, essentially meaningless and harmless, regardless of the depth of the intimacy. They are just being "nice" while I might see it as taking things past a comfortable (for me) boundary.

I totally agree with the seeing things differently question. I tend to go with the saying that I would not want to say or do anything with someone else that I would not want to do or say in front of my partner. That key thing would be so important in a relationship, that the other person feels the same way. It is a respect issue.

For example.... I am currently involved with someone, and it's just been wonderful. On Saturday night we went out with a group of my friends. I went to the bar to grab a drink and a diet coke for my friend, and I was hit on pretty heavily while I was waiting. I politely declined. While this was happening, I was thinking I hoped Jeff could not see it. I never mentioned it. Had he seen it, I would have gladly told him what happened. But, I did not tell him out of respect. To come back to the table and announce that would've just been ridiculous. But my actions at the bar were the same actions that I would have made had Jeff been right there next to me. I hid nothing, but I did not flaunt it either.

It is a very fine line. I know that I arrived with him, I left with him, and I had eyes only for him. And I respect him enough to not allow anything to interfere with that.

Yeah, I don't say or do anything online (publicly or privately) that I wouldn't in front of Steve. My thought is, if this could be even remotely misconstrued, even if I mean things totally innocently, then it's not appropriate and I shouldn't be having the conversation. Respect, yup, I think that's it. Not only do I respect him and wouldn't hurt him for the world but I respect our relationship and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

It's just so odd that this article tells you to "be glad" that you snooped, and never addresses the issue of breaking all trust within the relationship.

Yeah, I thought that was weird. I mean, I see his point if you find evidence of cheating (in a way) but what if there's nothing to find? Trust is still blown only you're the one who blew it.

This guy is a relationship counselor????
No wonder so many people don't make it through counseling.

There's really no need to snoop on your significant other on Facebook. Just become their friend and post a profile main pic of the both of you cuddling so everybody knows. If they don't like that idea, then I would question it.

You'll be glad that you snooped? Is this guy for real? People need to be able to lead their own lives, even while in a relationship. If you use the same computer, I don't think checking the listing of sites visited and when would be intrusion, but if one feels the need to browse personal accounts, that's a great sign that the relationship is coming to an end.

I agree, I also think that if or your so feels the need to hide everything, whether there's anything to hide or not, then it's also a problem. I'm all for privacy, I want mine respected and I respect others. But there comes a time in a relationship when the privacy lines can and should be blurred. Not to the point of snooping, of course, but blurred.

I had a jealous ex get into my e-mail account one time and read every mail that was from a woman (friend or otherwise). I felt very violated. I felt more sorry for her, for being so insecure. I have a good woman now and I would have no problem telling her anything or letting her into my e-mail account. I have no secrets and I want no secrets, now that I have finally found my dream girl!

I value my privacy. I have nothing to hide, but no way am I giving my BF access to my accounts. Mail, bank, or otherwise. Nor do I want access to his.

If there is trust then there is no need to snoop and if the relationship is healthy then there is nothing to find.

If there is trust.
If the relationship is healthy.

So, what do you do if things are going badly?
Talk to each other and work on improving your relationship.

When the relationship improves then there will be nothing to find.
When the relationship improves then trust will be reinforced.

Strengthen your relationship. Trust each other.
It is kind of like riding a bicycle.

What happens when your trust is misplaced?

Emotional pain. Then healing. Eventually a new relationship.
Eventually a rebuilding of trust.

Steve has access to my e-mails, only because I never close them down. To my knowledge, though, he's never looked at anything. He knows how much money I make and benefits etc and vice versa but neither one of us has access to account information. I have no desire for that and neither does he.

Interesting article.

If you feel the need to snoop, then there is a problem. It means you are not comfortable enough bringing up whatever you concerns are to your partner, OR you have brought them up and not liked the answers.

I do believe it is a problem now in relationships, that just was not there 20yrs ago, plain and simple. It deserves to be addressed. Two rational people should be able to discuss it and come to an agreement on what is "normal," and acceptable in how they interact with the opposite sex, on-line.

I have female friends that I email occasionally because of work. I always assume their spouse may read the emails. I wouldn't joke about or discuss anything that I wouldn't say in front of their husbands. (I am friends with all their husbands, as well)

I think you're right there. I think the whole online relationship (be it friend or other) has thrown a new curve into the whole relationship thing. And yes, it does boil down to communication. People need to set boundaries and should have an expectation that the boundaries will be respected by their partner. If the partner doesn't agree, well, that's a whole other issue. But it still boils down to respect and communication.

I have never asked to see anything online or otherwise. Shoot, I have never really thought about it. Trust is trust. Either you have it or you don't.

If I were to have an issue or question about something, I would hope we would have the communication open enough for us to discuss it. If not, then what kind of relationship do we have?

If I was involved with someone and I found out he'd snooped through my email or cell phone or whatever, he wouldn't have to worry about trusting me anymore, because our relationship would be over. I really don't see the point of validating your suspicions of cheating, usually when someone is cheating, you know it. You might not want to admit it, but you know it. When a relationship is getting old and boring and about to end, one or both parties are aware, whether they want to admit it or not. Unless you're just looking for "proof" so you have reason to breakup or divorce, I really don't see the point. I had a friend who read her bf's emails and snooped through his cell phone, because she was jealous of him talking to a female co worker "more than he talked to her," disregarding the fact that the co-worker was local and he and she lived almost 2 hours apart.

So she found emails and texts from them to each other, nothing sexual, just friendly type stuff. She never mentioned it, but she became a real b!tch about it, and eventually he dumped her, not for the girl she was jealous of, but for someone who didn't invade his privacy. I'm not sure how he found out, but I guess he did, and I can't blame him for leaving her.

That is an example of a problem that I didn't account for: plain old insecurity, which lead to jealousy, over basically nothing.

Not sure if there is any getting around that.