WASHINGTON—After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this week that it is once again ready to be lied to about the current state of the financial system.

Tired of hearing the grim truth about their economic future, Americans demanded that the bald-faced lies resume immediately, particularly whenever politicians feel the need to divulge another terrifying problem with Wall Street, the housing market, or any one of a hundred other ticking time bombs everyone was better off not knowing about.

In addition, citizens are requesting that the phrase, "It will only get worse before it gets better," be permanently replaced with, "Things are going great. Enjoy yourselves."

"I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability, but honestly, I just can't handle it," Ohio resident Nathan Pletcher said. "All I ever hear about now is how my retirement has been pushed back 15 years and how I won't be able to afford my daughter's tuition when she grows up."

"From now on, just tell me the bull**** I want to hear," Pletcher added. "Tell me my savings are okay, everybody has a job, and we're No. 1 again. Please, just lie to my face."

The national call for decreased candor began last month, after the Department of Labor released another soul-crushing report that most Americans agreed "wasn't helping anything" and "didn't need to be so specific, at least."

The report estimated that 663,000 private and public sector jobs were lost in the month of March—a revealing statistic many people found shockingly blunt. Responding to the new information, an overwhelming majority of citizens said they believe that, during these extremely uncertain times, our leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything from misappropriations of taxpayer dollars to the severity of the credit crisis.

"I don't need to be constantly reminded that the lack of regulations on Wall Street compounded with failing institutions like AIG basically plunged the world economy into a global recession," said 32-year-old office manager Alexis Harrington. "What I want is for someone to tell me with a straight face that the GDP is through the roof so that I can feel better and instantly forget what all these terms even mean."

"For the first time in my life I know who the secretary of the treasury is," Harrington continued. "And I don't like it."

Reluctantly informed citizens like Harrington have also asked that CEOs of the nation's five largest banks release a joint statement saying that the October bailout worked perfectly, normal lending has resumed, and that we're nowhere close to having the entire monetary system collapse upon itself like a house of cards.

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 98 percent of Americans no longer appreciate President Barack Obama's attempts to break down the economic crisis into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say the president should have the decency to insult their intelligence by using complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying that the subprime mortgage fallout was just a big misunderstanding that resulted from a clerical error.

"I know when he's telling the truth, and it bothers me," recently laid-off schoolteacher Mary Hanover said of Obama. "He gets this serious expression on his face and says things like, 'This is the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.' Who needs to hear that? For Christ's sake, smile a bit and say we just found a diamond mine under Montana that's going to pay for everything. I'll believe you."

"Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old," Sacramento resident David Cooke, 64, wrote in a letter to Congress. "I lost everything when the Dow tanked, and I'm too old to start working again, so why punish me further by explaining in detail the clever ways these investment firms ripped me off and how they're all going to get away with it?"

Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to their constituents' requests, saying they respect and understand the public's need for dishonesty.

"I think we can accommodate the American people on this," Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters. "Why, just today we made excellent progress with GM, whose CEO Fritz Henderson told us that every penny of federal and taxpayer funds would go directly to the construction of three new auto plants in Detroit that will create over 90,000 new jobs and spark the economic rebound we've been waiting for."

Continued Reid, "Things are looking very, very bright."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nation_ready_to_be_lied_to_about

HBO done it again

I hope this article was not serious about this. If it is I am deeply appalled by the level of apathy and complacency. No wonder I have such little faith in Americans in general. My own people are idiots! Now granted not everyone fits in this spite as many Americans are indeed not as dumb as people take us for but DAMN! America is being run by Chimps and Circus Clowns and all people want to do is look away?





F****N Dip****s!

I guess nobody knows theonion.com

a politician lying????? say it isn't so

We wanted transparency so what is the problem now?

The economy has been slipping for a long time now, very few noticed in time to prevent the big fall. Now we have to hunker down and ride it out.

this thread is getting funnier by the minute..

I have heard of the onion but am not exactly familiar with it. If it is what I think it is it is one of those nutcase conspiracy rags like the National Enquirer for politics.


Am I correct?

People would rather be oblivious to reality, than to know what's going on. The movie Idiocracy is happening faster than I thought possible to this world. God bless ignorance.

NO...

Alright, I'm gonna give you another hint..


U.S. Troops In Iraq Excited To Finally Return To Afghanistan

BAGHDAD—Members of the U.S. Armed Forces were reportedly overcome with feelings of joy, nostalgia, and optimism this week after learning they would soon be withdrawn from Iraq and allowed to finally return home to Afghanistan.

"I never thought this day would come," said Cpl. Douglas Robinson, who hasn't seen the barren hills and smoking craters of his beloved Kabul in nearly six years. "Being away from those you left behind, for this long, it definitely starts to take a toll on you."


Added Robinson, "I can't believe I'm going home again."

In 2003, thousands of American soldiers were unexpectedly uprooted from Afghanistan and sent off to fight in a long and bloody war overseas. After serving multiple tours of duty in Iraq, the vast majority of these troops said they couldn't wait to get back and have their lives return to normal.

"It's going to be great to be surrounded by all those familiar faces again," said Pfc. Shawn Brunner, staring wistfully at an old and faded photograph of the bleak wasteland. "The tribal sheiks, the frightened villagers, all that wonderful rubble near the Id Gah Mosque. When I'm finally back on Afghan soil, I'll probably kiss the ground."

Like Brunner, marines stationed at Camp al Qaim in Iraq said they longed for the comforts of home, whether it's stopping off at a local eatery for a hot meal of sabzi challow, or spending Sunday afternoon cheering on their favorite buzkashi team. Others reportedly yearned for the day when they would be reunited with their children, many of whom hadn't even been born when their fathers left for Iraq.

"I can't wait to meet my little princess, Badria," Lt. David Shapiro said. "I just hope her mother isn't still angry at me."

According to military officials, the announcement of the long awaited homecoming has greatly improved morale, with U.S. soldiers looking forward to returning to the one place where they truly felt like they belonged.

"Hopefully we'll stay put for a while," said Cpl. Michael White, adding that he couldn't wait to hear the familiar strains of neighbors speaking Dari in the streets. "With any luck we'll be in Afghanistan for another 10 years."

While most remained enthusiastic about the trip home, a small percentage of military personnel expressed concerns that Afghanistan had drastically changed since they were called off to war. Others worried that it would now be awkward to interact with local warlords.

"I don't want people to treat me weird just because I've been away for so long," Lt. Gerald Karshner said. "I'm sure there will be a period of adjustment. You know, just getting reacquainted with the sounds of slightly less mortar fire, or that special tear gas smell that only Afghanistan has. Still, it'll be great to sleep in my old metal bed again."

The journey back will be bittersweet for some. Pvt. Michael Tagle, 24, said he could still remember a more innocent time in his life, when he would drive around all day in a tank with friends, several of whom, sadly, are no longer around.

"We had our entire lives ahead of us," said Tagle, who "pretty much grew up" in Kandahar. "Anything was possible. Going to college. Maybe starting a family someday. Even making the world a better place."

Added Tagle, "It's funny the things you picture for yourself when you're young."

Amid all the fanfare, there was some unpleasant news. Troops in the 11th Marine Regiment were ordered early Tuesday morning to ship off to the United States, a distant foreign land, filled with bizarre customs, strange beliefs, and millions of people they do not know or understand.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_troops_in_iraq_excited_to?utm_source=c-section

OK.


NOW I REMEMBER BECAUSE I WENT TO THEIR WEB SITE!


They are the National Lampoon of politics. Its spoof news!


I used to have a friend into it but I never really was much on new let alone news satire.

Bored Drone shoots at mountain goats...

Fun stuff...