Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21 You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22 The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22 Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22 Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23 Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21 You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.


From: http://www.theonion.com

WOW WONDER WHOS COMING FOR A VISIT

Hmmmm...looks like my Leo horoscope would be better suited for a Pisces...no?

I would have posted earlier but was knocked out by inspiration