When I was younger, I wound up in a lot of relationships that were based on nothing more than availability and the fact that I was always in a band. Short-term entanglements; fun, frivolous, designed to be disposable, and easy enough to forget and move on.

I knew, from an early age, that the traditional relationship model wasn't going to work for me -- I didn't want a life like my dad's, and I didn't want to be like one of my ever-growing circle of friends who got married at 19 or 20 and wanted out a year or two later.

And I would tell my girlfriends "I don't want that kind of life," and they would all say, "Well, I don't either."

Inevitably, three months down the road, they would change their minds. "We should get married, we should start a family, you would make a great father...." Blah blah blah. Not interested; I was never really interested in any of that.

Time to throw in the towel and start over again.

As I got older, I saw, more and more, that tradition was everything. There just weren't any women, in my experience, who weren't inextricably tied to the cardboard cutout husband-father model of what a partner should be. People couldn't conceive of a life that didn't revolve around reproduction and alcohol; I suspect there's some kind of link there, possibly causal, and I can imagine it working in both directions.

I told myself, for years, that I would eventually meet someone who had a similar goal -- a relationship built around intellect and creativity and mutual support and caring and communication, one which transcended the ongoing train wrecks that were the "standard model" relationships I saw all around me.

I would occasionally weaken and give in to the overwhelming weight of the norm. I even got married -- biggest mistake of my life, on any number of levels.

I'd like to think I learned something from that.

And, truth be told, I did actually meet one person whose intellect and creativity fit the profile; but only one. And that's been a sort of a ten-year boondoggle.

Over time, I see fewer and fewer indicators that there are actually people interested in anything other than the sheer, pre-programmed biological imperative. The ones who used to make an effort to PRETEND they wanted something else have been replaced by more of those who admit, from Day One, that it's all about being exactly the same as everybody else.

Not a particularly hospitable environment for someone such as myself who would rapidly wither and die attempting to be a conformist.

Maybe this is why eHarmony told me I was unmatchable....?

interesting as always Lex its your life and you live in on your terms I admire that I hope you find what you're looking for

Never give up Lex. I've seen first hand that the type of relationship you seek does exist. They are not quite as rare as the San Bernardino kangaroo rat but close...

I completely understand where you're coming from, Lex, and you and I have both made it very clear on many occasions how we feel about relationships.

Here's where the water gets murky....

You get called "interesting." I get dirty looks.

I wrote this to someone else, it sort of applies here and will give you another view on why you might not be able to find someone:

Can understand what its all about, we have so many different choices and options , Just how do you find "that one". There are times that I even begin to believe being single from now on is a better choice.. And there is the rub... I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. Someone in my past showed me something about myself that has ruined the "alone" concept. . It was that I found out just how passionately and deeply I can love a woman. And that"s what I miss the most.

The difficulty is NOT in finding a woman. The difficulty is finding a woman who is deserving of what (this man) has to offer.

Perhaps that sounds harsh, but if a woman had said it in the reverse terms, nobody would've batted an eye about it.

That's pretty much how I see it, too.

The thing that puzzles me is that I get plenty of messages from people saying things like "I love the way you write, you're very intelligent, I think you'd be a lot of fun to be with, but I don't fit into your preferences. If you would change your preferences, you would have a better shot at finding someone like me who could make you happy."

Now, I read that -- after you take out all the niceties and gobbledegook -- as "I like you a lot but you'd be so much better if you were the same as everybody else."

My preferences are there for a reason -- a myriad of reasons, actually. I would have more luck trying to change my height or my DNA than I would changing my preferences....

Being unique is not as much of a sought-after thing as most people claim.

Trust me on this.

I like that. You are absolutely correct.

Let's say you did find the perfect girl.


Guess what...


She has to feel the same way about you (a myriad of preferences) in order for things to work.



What are the odds?

From another angle:

The site I use for the profiles on the "One Glorious Profile" thread -- probably 85% of those profiles say something like "I am not like anyone you have ever met!" and then go on to write the exact same five sentences you'll find in each of the next 5682 profiles.

Either they have never read another dating site profile (which is entirely possible, given the average literacy level), or they simply have no idea what the words mean.

I have come to the conclusion that people who try too hard in their profiles to convince you that they are unique or sexy or "intelegent" probably aren't.

It takes more than someone saying "I am ______" for me to believe it. Prove it. The profile gives them a decent shot at it -- most of them fail to take advantage of the opportunity.

Isn't it someone unique we are looking for in the first place?

Not good, admittedly.

But I keep telling myself, all it takes is one....

My only question is what happens if you come across this person but your life experience and history won't let you see her. I often hear things like "deserving of me, rare, must be this or must be that. What if we are too busy defining and limiting to see with our hearts what our minds won't compute. Just my thoughts.

Perhaps, and that is why the vicious circle keeps on turning.

I had a few things to say point by point but will just stick with "We grow older".

I feel like the odds are impossible unless you are a devout religious fanatic and align his and hers morals and values to something written within a book. See how that works and why so many more marriages work out between those who practice a religion?

It's cheating and unfulfilling to me as a free thinker though...

Buy a dress.....go look in the mirror. You will have found the one you are looking for!!

my profile doesn't represent anything but some pictures of me and some words about love I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything I prefer people getting to know me thru the forums I understand you Lex thru reading your postthat you are finding it difficult to find someone that meets your qualifications