THE MAYONNAISE ECONOMY

I will now, using nothing more than Times New Roman 12 on loan via legitimate and documentable license from the makers of Microsoft Word, attempt to metaphorically simplify a dumbfounding question of great complexity for the American public.

Being a mildly educated boy birthed in Florida, shipped to New York, exiled to New Jersey and then extricated back to Florida for purposes I am assured were unrelated to extradition, I consider myself rather middle America. There is nothing particularly extraordinary about me, although I have been told I make a mean submarine sandwich. Logically, having resided in Jersey, subs are an inexorable part of what will someday be my culinary legacy. My kids rave to their friends about my deft skill at spreading fat-infused condiments and meats across a fluffy chunk o’ whole wheat forged into a missile of nuclear flavor.

Now, let me get this straight.

I recently decided to ask a few friends over to assemble a stockpile of subs/heroes/hoagies to be served at the kids’ soccer team’s picnic/trophy ceremony/team picture/playoff celebration/party thingy. Let’s call this group the “sub club” if you will (been done, no less … buy 9 and #10 comes gratis) - “SC” for brevity’s sake. The SC is comprised of an assortment of soccer parents who each bring an item to be used in this undertaking – tomatoes, rolls, meats, mayonnaise, mustard, et al. These ingredients converge to form the basis of a hypothetical sandwich “economy” made up of a variety of edible assets.

Let’s say SC member #1 opts to make a ham sub with cheese, lettuce and tomato and he goes about doing so by accessing the contributed SC economic ingredients, or “assets.” SC member #5 does the same thing, but he uses turkey, mustard, pickles, onions and lettuce. SC member #4 is a product of the 60s, so she really gets creative. She makes a sandwich using a foundation of marinated artichoke hearts and olive loaf and; although we are relatively sure that will do nothing more than pollute a perfectly good paper plate, we smile and move forward with the business at hand.

Within a few hours, our work is complete. Though a sundry of ingredient lending, trading, borrowing, and combining occurs, the end result is a large platter of subs for consumption. Though the ingredients, or assets, have been reconfigured to a large extent, the end result is a delectable array of sandwiches which, if anything, carries a minimal value of the sum of its parts.

And so you have a microcosm of the world economy. Through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, the amount of ingredients/assets/money – by proxy in the form of world currencies – has remained the same. Granted, money may be ADDED to the pool of available funds so that the currency itself loses relative value, but the original amount of ingredients/assets/money still remains a reallocated version of its original self. In other words, no “meat-a-licious” assets have been lost. They have simply changed ownership, or shape, as in our SC laboratory.

So, as our markets crash to a halt along with every economy worldwide, I ask you this very probing query: Where have all the sandwiches gone?

China eats a lot. After all, they are growing boys, though only one per family so that the smog to person ratio cannot rise beyond that of the entire planet elsewhere combined. Nonetheless, they swear they are low on roast beef and mayonnaise, and I believe them. After all, we borrowed it all to cater The Academy Awards and the Bernie Madoff prison send-off luncheon. We’ll give it back eventually but, by then, the foot long sub will only be 8 inches and Madison Avenue will claim it’s only because it is cold outside.

Europe has plenty of napkins but they are running thin on cheese. Besides, they are insistent that any sandwiches they make be evenly divided between the eastern and western dining factions of their virtual sandwich “shoppe.”

The Middle East has the tools to make sandwiches but they keep spitting in each others’ condiment bar. I’m told that Iran alone could be making fire-roasted subs at any time but they have yet to perfect how to toast their bread.

And Japan and Russia? They’d be happy to sop up some pickle juice from an empty plate.

Seriously, WHO has the sandwiches? We are getting hungry, and somewhere in the world is a tray of condiments. Sure, the government can loan some bread to your local submarine sandwich eatery, but those eateries seem to be running out of mustard. They’d borrow some from a deli elsewhere but that deli is relatively sure they will never see their mustard returned – especially in a world where such an act of courtesy would typically require the borrower to throw the mustard underwriter a couple of onions and a gratuitous slap on the back in addition to settling their mustard deficit.

I’m hungry now.

That Jared guy from Subway™ even looks a little emaciated for my comfort. And he works in a place that makes submarine sandwiches.

Can I get a pork rind bailout?

thanks for sharing can we move on to mustard

hold the mayo for me please lol

I love you kids, btw.

But I still really wanna' know who has the money.

beats the sh*t outta me...and oddly enough your summary made alot of sense to me...

I've never known you to be this long winded. I fell asleep.

It was a paste job from an editorial I wrote my Suzy Q.

And thanks Georgie. I thought it simplified it for dopes like me to process. (not that you are a dope like me; I hold the title baby)

I've asked economists and even THEY can't explain what the heck is going on ... UGH

There are only 135 trillion sandwiches in the us. The people who horded the sandwiches don't want you know they have them. Quite simply, they got the sandwiches by ripping you and I off. They are stingy sandwich hording jackasses that derive no pleasure in eating them, the pleasure is hording them.

Dude, you are way to deep for the women on this site... LOL

Thanks dude ...

The females who aren't deep enough stay away from this stuff entirely. I keep tabs on the ones who are.

My inbox is full. Some of the answers, like yours, are good no less.

too cute CB...

dontcha know I have ALL kinds of sandwishes
and every condiment you can dream of

i stole it from the bankers.
they were hoarding it..

and now I am

Maybe you haven't talked to many of the women on this site?

Larry always has an entertaining way of getting the point across.

HE HAS THE SANDWICHES!!!!!!!

I'm going to rent a hotel room and slap on my sneeze guard. Who wants to eat?

Hi Cat'stress and Emmy

excuse me???? try again DUDE

between things like AIG and other companies like that.....there is no telling. i'm a bookkeeping by trade but you couldn't pay me enough to do this country's books lol

Part of the problem might be that the sandwiches dont actually exist, and never did. It was just someone putting on an apron and making out they were going to make some, but all they did was adjust the figures on the sandwich clipboard.

ima be madder than heck if i end up eating air and not a turkey sandwich with tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, and a hint of dijon mustard

Hi Larry