a little over a year ago i had to break off a 17 year friendship because the other person betrayed my friendship. the other person continued to try to keep in contact with me for a short while but eventually realized that i had no interest in revisiting our friendship. it's been nearly a year since we've had any contact.

last night i received a message from him on myspace letting me know that his father died and that he'd like to, as he put it "hear a familiar voice." i still do not want this person in my life but i also do not wish bad things for him.

how do i express my condolences while letting him know that i still don't want to be friends with him without sounding like a complete a$$?



. . .

Drew~

There is a big difference between being kind and supportive and friendship. He is reaching out to you in his time of need and honestly, you should be there for him. I'd go to the funeral if at all possible. The subject of rekindling the friendship need not come up. If it does, just continue to tell him you are there for him during this time of loss. Take it day by day.

Try to imagine how you would feel in his shoes.

Why not send a card or flowers with a note......

send flowers to the funeral, with a card that simply states "sorry for your loss".

Do what you need to do as a friend during his time of need. Afterwards, recut the contact.

i guess i'm not like most people in that i'm detached and don't reach out after a loss. i just move on and keep living my life. i don't want to be there for this person, we are no longer friends and i would consider him just as much of a stranger as i would any of you (no offense intended).


. . .

Then ignore it and say nothing, if that is how you feel. He may be using it as an excuse to start the friendship up again.

But this isn't about you, it's about him, and I said try to imagine how HE feels. Not you. It's not like you have to be friends with him again. If a stranger came up to you in a parking lot, crying and in need, would you refuse your shoulder and a kind word?

A friendship for 17yrs.. hmm, you must have known his father, no? Send flowers/plant to the "family". His father never did anything to you.

friendship put aside its about his family and I have to agree you more then likely did know his father.. don't take it out on someone else.. Minimum is to send your condolences a card or whatever your comfortable with..

Card and flowers.

If that's truly how you feel, simply send a card and let it go. You are the one who has to live with your conscience and if it won't allow compassion, then you don't need to do anything at all.

However, my thought is, you're on here asking for opinions. If your mind was truly made up, you wouldn't feel conflicted and wouldn't feel the need to ask advice. I'm sensing a conflict here between your ego and what you know is the right thing to do. Resolve that conflict and you'll have your answer.

Hello, sounds like you just answered your own question.
That's how you really feel about it deep down, then, so be it.
You have your own reasons, as why you choose to handle this in this
manner.
Sounds as if the other person, just has to find the inner strength to move forward, and accept his losses. Grow in strength, and knowledge and find other sources of comfort and friends.
I wish him peace and comfort, and healing. dcj

i basically just wanted to say something to acknowledge that i got his message and that it was unfortunate that his father passed.

i've rethought what place this person holds in my life and i would have to say it is less then that of a stranger. a stranger is someone you don't know and have never known. this person is someone that i really just don't like. and if someone that i didn't like told me that their father had died i would try to offer them some kind words, but those words would be empty because in truth, it would matter very little to me.
i do believe in not kicking someone when they are down. therefore, i will offer what words i can, but i can not put on a friendly face for someone i do not like.

i appreciate your input and you can think of me what you will. i'm sure i deserve it.

thank you.


. . .

It is very difficult to have compassion for others and act empathetically if one does not like themselves. The selfless and immediate, natural love and affection for others must come from within.

I'd go with what Lilith says.

Friend or not, you at one time were close(17 years). You more than likely spent time with each others families.

I agree with Lilth, goto the service and offer your condolensces.

One of my biggest fears as an only childand being single is dealing with my parents death alone. You need to go and show your support and pay respects to his DAD, he did nothing wrong to you.

it has nothing to do with one liking ones self. compassion and empathy are for those who have not proven themselves unworthy.



. . .

I remember a situation that happened when I was in college...... A classmate of mine and I were to go to her family home to attend a funeral for her sister's infant.

The night before we went to a frat party at OU where she got rip roaring drunk, took off with a strange guy, and left me alone with no ride at the frat house. I knew no one and was an hour away from home. (This was before cell phones) She eventually returned in the morning and I still went to the funeral with her, although we were not friends again after that day. I knew her family, although had only met them three or four times. She even asked me why I was still going after what she had done to me....

I told her that it wasn't about ME.

Feel that strong, send flowers, PERSONALLY sign the card & that is it.

I can be hard core also, it is a choice.
I have wrote several former friends off, due to THEIR actions.

A person has to stand for somethings, NO COMPROMISE.